Mr. Popularity

It’s a KIND of power

[The rather Spartan office of Israeli prime minister BENJAMIN NETANYAHU — lacquered wood desk, Israeli flag, bookcases, upholstered chairs, rugs etc. NETANYAHU is seated, talking to YOSEF GLUCKMAN, a young advisor, who holds and reads from an iPad.]

GLUCKMAN: The numbers are good, Adoni. Hurrying the election was, b’ezrat hashem, the right move.

NETANYAHU: Good, but we can’t rely on the Almighty. Go down today to the campaign office, see how they’re doing. I don’t want them getting lazy.

GLUCKMAN: Right away, sir.

NETANYAHU: Beseder.

GLUCKMAN: Oh, and the American envoy is outside. Shall I send him in as I go?

NETANYAHU: Ugh, I forgot. Who is it?

GLUCKMAN: I didn’t see him.

NETANYAHU: I hope not one of his gangster friends. They act chummy with me. It’s disgusting.

GLUCKMAN: If anyone can handle them, you can.

NETANYAHU: I hope. Daber iti.

[GLUCKMAN leaves and, seconds later, JD VANCE springs into the office, to the apparent horror of NETANYAHU.]

VANCE: Shalom, Bibi!

[Small pause.]

NETANYAHU: You? You are the envoy?

VANCE: Yeah! President Trump said you needed a hand with the election so here I am.

[NETANYAHU rises quickly, comes around the desk, pretends to chortle.]

NETANYAHU: Oh, but JD, my dear friend, the election is weeks away! I know how important you are to the President — surely you would be more effective coming in at the last minute as a secret weapon, the, uh, way you did with the uh, former Prime Minister of Hungary.

VANCE: Ah, now, Bibi, I think I see where you’re going with this, but you know, I don’t care what people say, those last days in Budapest I really felt the tide turning.

NETANYAHU: Oh, I know — it was impossible to miss the effect you were having in the electorate.

VANCE: I just know if we’d just gotten there a little earlier we would have won that election.

NETANYAHU: No doubt, no doubt, but Israel is a very different place.

VANCE: Don’t I know it! I asked the girl at the hotel if I could get bacon and eggs for breakfast and she started yelling at me. [Raises hands] My bad!

NETANYAHU: Just so! We love our American allies, but — well, you know that thing they say about us, that we’re, well, clannish, there is in fact a lot of truth to that.

VANCE: [Waves him off] Well, first off, it’s refreshing to hear you say so, Bibi. I said that myself at a cabinet meeting the other day a lot of them looked at me like I’d passed gas. Now Lee Zeldin and Lutnick, they’re Jewish and they didn’t seem to have a problem with it. Of course sometimes I miss these things. Like a few years we had Usha’s folks over for Easter and boy, did I put my foot in it —

NETANYAHU: I just had an idea! Likud has some candidates who are not doing so well, maybe you can make some personal appearances.

VANCE: [Laughing] Bibi! C’mon! You know I represent the United States of America -- I can’t be going around to these little desert water-holes to stump for assemblymen or whatever.

NETANYAHU: [For the first time seeming genuinely offended] The Knesset, sir. These are members of the Knesset.

VANCE: [Pointing at him] Now, see, there’s that funny trait we were talking about! But let’s not dwell on our differences — let’s focus on how both my people and yours want to keep Israel strong, whether it’s because you live there, or because it’s the launchpad for Armageddon. [Conspiratorially] That’s what the folks back home say, but who cares what they think so long as they keep paying taxes for it, right?

[NETANYAHU staggers, groans slightly.]

Bibi? You doin’ alright there, buddy?

[NETANYAHU puts one hand to his chest dramatically and with his other pulls an iPhone out of his pocket and dials.]

NETANYAHU: I’m afraid I have come down with a serious bacterial infection.

[NETANYAHU speaks rapidly in Hebrew into the iPhone. Then, to VANCE:]

Don’t worry, I’ve had it before, but it’s highly contagious, also I have to go to the hospital immediately.

VANCE: [Stepping back] Well, gosh!

[Seven burly security men come in; three of them surround NETANYAHU and walk him out of the office; four stand close to VANCE.]

NETANYAHU: Sorry, JD, my best to the President.

VANCE: [Calling after him] Wait, Bibi, don’t worry, I can be your stand-in! Your Golem! Tell ‘em JD stands for “Jew Defender” —

[Two of the remaining security men grab VANCE while a third presses a white cloth to his face; VANCE struggles a few seconds, then goes limp. The security men drag him away. CUT TO: The home office of U.S. Senator SUSAN COLLINS, where she confers with two young aides, one male and one female.]

COLLINS: This is how we win, kids, we have a strategy for everything. We have a strategy for Platner and we have a strategy for Mills. We just have to keep cool until they have their primary. Now, on to world events, if this Iran thing blows up, here’s how we play it —

[They all freeze as the door to the office bursts open and VANCE bounds in.]

VANCE: Hey, Susie! Say hello to your new campaign buddy!

COLLINS: [Screams] VANCE! ROUTINE 12!

[The aides reach behind her desk, grab fire extinguishers, and spray VANCE, driving him back, while COLLINS jumps out a window. CUT TO: Texas governor GREG ABBOTT rolling his wheelchair along a walkway outside his Austin mansion at twilight.]

VOICE OF JD VANCE: Hey, Governor, wait up!

[ABBOTT turns in his chair, looks, then hurriedly pulls some levers; smoke and flames come out of the back of his chair, which rapidly accelerates and zips out of sight in seconds. CUT TO: DONALD TRUMP in the Oval Office, somnolently listening to chief of staff SUSAN WILES, who reads from paper notes.]

WILES: ...and so the guy basically said, fuck you, my district’s R plus 15, I don’t need your endorsement.

TRUMP: [After a beat] Vance him.

VOICE OF JD VANCE, heard, muffled, through the wall: Did somebody call me?