Notes from POTUS for Production of Rush Hour IV

They don’t make ’em like that anymore

Now, the president is offering some creative input on potential upcoming [Paramount] projects…

The film producer Dallas Sonnier predicts “a wave of classically male-driven movies with mentally tough, traditional, courageous, confident heroes. Maybe even a tad cocky, but dedicated to honor and duty. Plus, of course, a few explosions, gun battles, helicopters, fistfights, and car chases!”…

A person directly familiar with the conversations told Semafor that the president of the United States has personally pressed the Paramount owner to revive another franchise from Ratner: Rush Hour, a buddy-cop comedy starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker that blended physical comedy, martial arts, and gags about racial stereotypes. — Semafor

The main stars will be a Chinese guy and a black guy in the mold of Chan and Tucker but young and with plenty of moxie. All the top young actors in Hollywood will jump at the chance to play these roles and the winners will be put through rigorous kung fu training regimen and a big celebrity build-up.

We also get a top villain type like Willem Dafoe and some chick with big tits for romantic interest. If Sydney Sweeney says no we threaten to ruin her career and if she still says no we get some other chick with big tits.

The plot is Lee and Carter are the sons of the original Lee and Carter. They are both top cops in their field but they have never met and their fathers have kept the story of their past a big secret.

The boys meet when Carter is doing police lookout duty on top of that thing they have on the West Side of New York that looks like a rib cage. Lee is on vacation in New York so he’s up there and accidentally brushes against Carter and Carter says something like “Hey you chop suey motherfucker why you hasslin’ me” and Lee says something like “oooh so solly sassy black man I swear by my ancestors is mistake,” and then they start doing kung fu on each other all over the rib cage falling off the balconies and at one point Carter almost falls to his death but Lee saves him and that shows respect so they become pals and go get a drink at the Grand Hyatt and talk about their fathers and figure out the truth.

Then a Venezuelan runs in and throws a grenade into the bar and Lee and Carter roll into the foyer and they see the Venezuelan and chase him down 42nd Street and they’re losing him but he gets tripped by this tall glamorous woman and they grab him and also flirt with the woman until they realize its RuPaul, who will do it because he owes me a favor.

Lee and Carter act all embarrassed and then haul the Venezuelan to the precinct and Carter tells Lee the perp is part of a big Chinese and Venezuelan syndicate conspiracy to steal something from the top of the Empire State Building but his boss won’t tell him what it is, but when they get to the station house the boss is impressed and start to tell Carter what the syndicate is after and he wants Lee to leave the room, but Carter says no boss this is my partner Inspector Lee from China who is perfect for the job plus I have no partner because mine was killed in a shootout with the Chinese and Venezuelan conspiracy which surprises Lee and touches him deeply.

So the boss tells them both that the President had to fix the economy because the guy before him ruined it so to do that he backed up the whole economy with something called Ultragold which is like tons of gold squeezed into a small cylinder using AI. His top advisors decided the safest place for it is the top of the Empire State Building up in the needle part. This has been working great but now the Venezuelans and Chinese have figured it out and it’s too dangerous to move it so now they have to hurry to stop the bad guys from getting it.

They leave the precinct and right on cue the Venezuelan inside blows himself up and the precinct with it and a bunch of Venezuelans and Chinese jump Lee and Carter and they have a battle royal with lots of flips and crunching and blood and finally Lee and Carter steal a top of the line car to get to the Empire State Building doing 100 miles per hour on the FDR Drive.

All this time Carter is making lots of jokes mostly about Lee’s slanty eyes and honorable ancestors. We will get Greg Gutfield and other top talent to write the jokes and maybe Snoop Dogg to help with the black part. Lee is a good sport about it but sometimes he says things like “Confucius Say it is time to kick ass.” Then the music which is mostly classic rock mixed with rap gets a Chinese sound like a La Choy commercial.

Then they go to the Empire State Building and the head of security is Sydney Sweeney. They lay a trap for the conspiracy but also flirt and act sexy and you can’t tell which one of them she will sleep with but my feeling is we don’t want to turn people off with racial stuff that isn’t funny so maybe we bring in a young white guy who is an assistant cop. They will have a sex scene with gratuitous nudity.

I’ll let the pros take it from here but here are some things the picture has to have. At some point each of them talks on the phone to his old man and we see them in split screen with the old man in beds with satin sheets and naked supermodels and drinking whiskey and laughing. Also the villain has to be Chinese but played by a white man in Chinese makeup because people are too sensitive and they ought to learn to laugh at this kind of thing like they did with Mickey Rooney. And there must be a cameo with the President where he gets to tell jokes and say some important things about the Venezuelan War which will be happening at the time.

That’s it. The budget can be as high as you need to go to make a first class picture and if it isn’t the biggest picture in history on the first weekend we get Jeff Bezos to fire whoever is in charge of Box Office Mojo and make sure the statistics come out right.