Opening statement by Mr. Nick Sandmann at his confirmation hearing

Part of the rhetorical history of our near future

Mr. Chairman, members of the committee, thank you for allowing me to make my statement. I wrote it myself yesterday afternoon and evening. No one has seen a draft of it except my mom, her lawyer, my PR firm, and some of my dudes. [Guttural cheers from gallery] Thanks, dawgs. [Throws up fists] Covington! [Guttural cheers from gallery] Anyway, this is my statement.

Since my nomination to the Supreme Court was announced, and what an honor, really, it’s awesome, allegations have been brought against me which I have repeatedly and categorically denied. You have heard testimony from my posse that I [Guttural cheers from gallery] chill, my dudes, I got this — that I would never do such a thing, as well as from male friends of my accusers who confirm they don’t recognize pictures of me, plus testimony from Father Jason Bertke, Father John Riesenberg, Bishop Joseph Foys, Archbishop Dennis Marion Schnurr, and Miss Sweeney the lunch lady who says I was always a perfect gentleman [Stands, turns to face gallery, raises fists, yells] SWEENEEEEEEEY!

[Extended demonstration in gallery, interrupted after two minutes by gaveling by Senator Crenshaw]

Thank you, Moo Moo, Pigman, Skir, and all my dudes. Anyway these allegations are part of a coordinated effort by liberal acolytes of Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama and Elizabeth Pocahontas Warren to interfere with this nomination. To this end they have prevailed upon the easily confused — not only women, but also homeless persons who have suffered in tragic fires that these liberals have convinced them were intentionally set by me and my buds. In one case, sadly, they have created fake surveillance camera footage that purports to show me performing this horrible act. But I’m sure the committee —

[Extended demonstration in gallery, interrupted after three minutes by gaveling by Senator Crenshaw.]

Many thanks, blood-brothers. Yes, they can show you all the misleading footage of me doing these things they like. But, as we saw back in 2018, when they used similarly questionable footage that clearly showed me protecting a school group of small children from a vicious mob of Black Panthers and renegade Indians armed with percussion weapons, and tried to twist that into something racist about me — as if I, who have pictures of black people on my wall, and who frequently uses the term “African-American,” or my dudes who love African-Americans so much that they sometimes make themselves up to look like them, would ever even think of doing such a thing — these people will stop at nothing to keep me from a job that President Honey Boo-Boo agrees I deserve and America deserves to have me do. I stand for a literal interpretation of the Constitution, which says nothing about abortion, premarital sex, glass ceilings, or socialism, but lots about freedom, Jesus, and the flag, and I say if you let these allegations, accusations, affidavits, and closed-circuit camera tapes stop this nomination, then God save these United States and COVINGTON!

[He stands, raises his arms and flashes white power signs with his hands as an extended demonstration in gallery and gunfire brings the hearing to a close.]