Monday April 21, 2003

A PASCHAL MYSTERY THAT BEST REMAINS UNSOLVED. As if Easter weren't depressing enough, I have just seen a promo for Fox's "Mr. Personality." I have it on good authority that the masks the men wear do not conceal wens, port-wine scars, or other entertaining disfigurements. And, as this is a network show, the Story of O intimations will certainly go unfulfilled.

I also hear that there will be a "Ms. Personality" as soon as Fox decides from among these premises:

• Boys Don't Cry-style breast restraints replace masks;
  

• All involved parties wear masks, which completely cover their mouths and eyes, making the host's commentary (and the ballroom dancing and hot tub scenes) vastly more interesting;
  

• Masks have beaks stuffed with aromatic herbs to prevent SARS infection;
  

• Masks are entirely dispensed with and half-wits of both sexes merely flirt, gibber, and get it on.