Post mortem

The President gets a performance review on his latest kill

Wikipedia, used under a Creative Commons license.

[The Oval Office, dimly lit, almost like for a seance. On a couch are TRUMP and STEVE BANNON. In a chair way back against a wall, barely visible, is White House Chief of Staff MICK MULVANEY.]

TRUMP: They’re gonna go for it.

BANNON: Well, if they don’t —

TRUMP: No “if they don't.” They’re gonna. Look, Steve, you’re a smart guy, but there’s such a thing as overthinking a bit. People love it when I kill a guy. It’s like wrestling when you take a guy out. Some things you don’t need an expert to tell you.

BANNON: You called me, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Well, I just wanted to talk, you know. See what you think, because I respect your opinion. I could kill another guy right away. Pompeo’s got a whole list and some of these guys, I even know who they are. But I’m kinda torn. On the one hand, if killing one guy is good, killing two should be even better. On the other hand, you don’t want to go to the well too often. Maybe they’ll get tired of it. What’d Trump do today? Killed a guy. Ohhh, big deal, he kills guys all the time.

BANNON: Also, you’re the man who said he would keep America out of wars in the Middle East.

TRUMP: Well, everyone says that. Nobody takes it seriously. It’s just something you have to say, like “Nice to see you” or “Your wife is a beautiful woman.”

BANNON: But the people are sick of war. They don’t want another one.

TRUMP: They say that. Give ‘em a good story you can get ‘em on your side.

BANNON: But what’s the story with Soleimani? You said he killed millions of people. Those are the kind of numbers people associate with Hitler, bless his memory. People will wonder, if he killed so many, why have they never heard of him?

TRUMP: I thought of that. Remember, with Saddam, how they talked about the rape rooms and the babies they took out of the incubators? We’re going to do like that, only bigger. We’ll get some girls, beautiful Iranian girls, to say this guy was raping them while he was killing babies, and also, I don’t know, eating a sandwich or something. Hey, maybe it was a baby sandwich. It’s like an Alice Cooper bit!

[TRUMP looks over at MULVANEY, yells]

Hey Mick, what’dya think of that?

MULVANEY: Great.

BANNON: But they spread those stories before they attacked Saddam, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Steve, I don’t get it. I thought you’d love this. You’re the one who’s always talking about stirring up shit so the Nazis can come back.

BANNON: We have to do it the right way, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Okay, smart guy, so what do you think I should do?

BANNON: Let’s forget about Soleimani. Just leave the whole thing alone. And don’t do another hit. Instead, let the Iranians come to you. They’re mad as hell. Sooner or later, one of their sleeper cells or — [BANNON spreads his hands in front of him] Some Iranian dentist or shopkeeper in Oshkosh or someplace like that — they’ll do something that’ll make people really mad, without you having to lift a finger.

TRUMP: [Nods, then stops] But what if they don’t?

BANNON: They will.

TRUMP: But what if they don’t?

BANNON: [Laughs] Mr. President, now who’s being pessimistic?

TRUMP: You know, my father always said: If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. Maybe we shouldn’t wait for the Iranians to do the job. I got people. Stone’s not in jail yet. What if we put together a team that knows how to make it look like —

[MULVANEY has leapt to his feet and flipped on the lights. TRUMP and BANNON blink.]

MULVANEY: Okay, time for your next appointment, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Really? Who with?

MULVANEY: Prostitute. Special guest stars.

TRUMP: The twins? [MULVANEY nods.] Why didn’t you say so?

[TRUMP gets up, as does BANNON; they shake hands.]

Always good to see you, Steve. Keep in touch. [To MULVANEY] Mick, call Alice Cooper and see if he has any ideas.

[TRUMP leaves. Pause. MULVANEY crosses down to BANNON.]

MULVANEY: Never thought you’d be the voice of reason.

BANNON: [Coldly] A foolhardy plan, but whatever the Leader wishes to do, I am willing to facilitate.

MULVANEY: Sure you are.

[MULVANEY hits a button on the Resolute Desk.]

BANNON: [Snarling at MULVANEY] I’m no deep-state non-Aryan time-server thwarting the leader at every turn—

[BANNON stops because MULVANEY is laughing.]

MULVANEY: I was just trying imagine you running your Nazi gladiator fight club from a federal prison. Out in the recess yard, with the buh-lacks. Can you imagine it, Steve?

[A MARINE in full dress enters.]

Your ride’s here. Say hi to Eva Braun for me.

BANNON: [As he is escorted out by the MARINE] Schweinhund!

[The bass sting from “Seinfeld” plays. CURTAIN.]