Post mortem

This time no slip-ups

[A quaint sitting room in Chevy Chase, Maryland with lots of wooden furniture in something like Federalist style; the chairs, love seat, and sofa are brocade-upholstered. Vanilla wallpaper. Cabinets with figurines and framed photos of white men in tuxedos smiling. Indian rug. Movement and noise outside, then a man in a grey suit with a canvas sack over his head is muscled into the room by ROGER STONE, who is dressed as the Riddler from old Batman comics (but no derby), and REP. MATT GAETZ, dressed like this guy. DONALD TRUMP in his usual suit and tie comes in behind. STONE pulls the sack off the man’s head, revealing their captive is JUSTICE BRETT KAVANAUGH.]

STONE: OK, Kavanaugh, you can sit down but no funny stuff.

KAVANAUGH: Look, if it’s about the tickets —

[KAVANAUGH notices TRUMP.]

Mr. President? What are you doing here?

TRUMP: Siddown.

[KAVANAUGH sits. Pause. GAETZ and STONE try to look menacing.]

Listen, that ruling you boys did. Couple problems.

[TRUMP sits.]

I notice your girlfriend almost sided with the other bitches.

KAVANAUGH: She’s not my girlfriend! And Justice Barrett voted with the rest of us.

TRUMP: She said something about that guy in Arizona who wouldn’t play ball. Said it could be a crime no matter what you say. Said it’d be OK to try me.

KAVANAUGH: That was just a hypothetical.

TRUMP: [Showing some anger] Hypothetical?

[TRUMP stands up.]

This is a big operation, rummy. We can’t have any slip-ups. You think you’re fooling me with your legal mumbo-jumbo? I know you people sneak things in there, and it comes back and bites me in the ass.  [To STONE] You read that thing yet?

STONE: All a buncha gobbledegook.

TRUMP: [To GAETZ] What about you?

GAETZ: I – started it, but then we had to do this.

TRUMP: You fuckers weren’t so lazy you mighta made something of yourself. Party City called, they say you’re two days late on the rental.

[STONE giggles; GAETZ looks abashed.]

[To KAVANAUGH] I got guys reading it, and one thing they don’t like is that “unofficial” thing. I’m President, everything I do is official, everything I do is legal.

KAVANAUGH: Well, see, that’s one way to read it — we didn’t really say which was which. So no one can say what’s official or isn’t! That’s what’s great, sir, it really gives you a lot of wiggle room —

TRUMP: Wiggle room? That supposed to be clever? What are you, trying to be dignified? So when you go to classy parties and say oh, no, we didn’t give that asshole everything he wanted because habeus corpus sim sala bim, boopty do! You seen the polls? Everyone knows what you guys are. A bunch of flunkies. Who you trying to impress? You coulda just said “Trump gets carte blanche” and called it a day! It even has Latin in it!

KAVANAUGH: Sir, if we made it — well, if it were more obvious —

TRUMP: That’s what I want: More obvious. I want them all to know: Nobody fucks with me. Especially judges.

KAVANAUGH: Sir, why are you asking me about this? Why don’t you talk to the Chief?

TRUMP: Roberts. I can’t get ahold of him. Probably got some kinda secret tunnel shit going on.

[TRUMP puts his hands on his thighs and leans his face into KAVANAUGH’s.]

But I always know where to find you, Rummy. That’s why we put you in there, to fix this shit. He’ll listen to you. I know. Between the wops and the coon he knows you’re the only one he can trust. We got another case coming up. Leo Leo, whoever the fuck, same idea but this time we gotta make sure there’s no wiggle room.

[Pause. TRUMP wanders around.]

You know what that case is?  How about this? Donald Trump, who’s still president, he gets mad at a guy. One thing leads to another, he kills the guy. And this guy is sort of important. Trump says it’s an official act. We go up the ladder, Fifth Circuit. Time passes. We’re back in the White House, Biden’s dead, Sotomayor, AOC, they’re all dead. But nobody can pin it on Trump. This guy, though, they know he did it, and the Supreme Court has got to say whether or not it’s OK he can kill this guy or any guy. Whether he’s in the White House or not. Whether it’s commission of a crime or not.

[TRUMP leans his face into KAVANAUGH’s again.]

What you gotta ask yourself, if you’re still on that Court — and not somewheres else — what are you gonna make damn sure that verdict says?

[Pause. TRUMP stands, waves at the door.]

G’wan, get out of here.

[KAVANAUGH hesitates.]

Go! We’re like five blocks from your house. You want me to call an Uber?

[Tentatively KAVANAUGH stands, then bolts from the room. We hear the front door open and close. Pause.]

[To STONE, jerking a thumb at GAETZ] I say we send Eminem here to the corner for some snacks.

[STONE laughs. TRUMP sits.]

Relax, the guy who owns the joint is OK. There’s girls upstairs for both of you. Stone, I know what you like, ya sick fuck, and [to GAETZ] you, don’t worry — the guy’s house this is? He's a diplomat, it’s like Thailand, anything goes, have a good time.

[STONE, whistling and fixing his tie, heads up; GAETZ stands staring balefully at TRUMP.]

GAETZ: [Quietly] Are you gonna kill me?

[TRUMP reaches in his jacket pocket, pulls out a candy bar, throws it to GAETZ.]

Here. I understand she’s got a sweet tooth.

[GAETZ leaves; TRUMP pulls out his phone, scrolls.]