Presidential Medal of Freedom ceremony, advance transcript

Tomorrow's news today!

[Gaggle of press and onlookers in the White House East Room. A podium at the front; to house left of the podium, seated in tuxedos, TIGER WOODS and a hulking man who looks like Bernard Kerik after a few years' sleeping rough; to the right, a MARINE in full dress uniform standing beside a table with two medal boxes. TRUMP enters and takes the podium.]

TRUMP: Okay, let’s go. Glad you could all make it. As you know we’re here to honor a great American and my personal friend, Tiger Woods, the greatest golfer who ever lived, some say, a lot of people, good people in my opinion and I think they’re right, because you know I play a lot of golf and golf's a great game, the greatest, our national game, really, some people say it’s baseball but it’s so slow and boring, and there’s no physical contact and when there is it’s an accident and they have to go in the penalty box. Football is what I go for, especially since they got rid of that son of a bitch bastard who spit on our troops. Pumpernickel, whatever his name is. Tiger’s not laughing, nobody’s laughing because they’re too polite. But I'm not so polite and we’re going to do something about the national game, maybe a law or an executive whatchamacallit.

But it’s not just Tiger today. That’s the other big news. I didn’t know until yesterday that I could give this thing to anyone I want. And much as I love Tiger, I figure as long as I’m walking around a free man I should spread the wealth, so come on up, Fingers.

[The hulking man steps up, to puzzled applause. The MARINE holds up a medal in a box.]

Joseph Patrick McGillicuddy is a real man’s man, the kind of man you want to have in your corner when the chips are down or the D.A.’s on your tail. During his long years of service to the Trump Organization, McGillicuddy, or Fingers as we always called him, worked as a waiter, a security guard, a night manager, and vice-president in charge of odds and ends, a title we created especially for him. I can’t tell you all the times he’s gotten us out of a jam, and when I say I can’t tell you, I mean that literally. So here’s to you, Fingers, you earned it.

[TRUMP takes the medal and puts it around FINGERS’ neck.]

FINGERS: [Overjoyed, arms raised] Baba booie! Baba booie! [Staggers out of the room, laughing hysterically]

TRUMP: The man knows how to enjoy himself. Okay, we had a few others but they couldn’t make it, so on to Tiger. Tiger, come on up here, I want people to see how I feel about you.

[TIGER WOODS stands proudly next to TRUMP with his hands crossed in front of him.]

Tiger Woods, what can you say. 14 major championships, 15 with the Masters he just won. 81 official PGA Tour event wins. All-time PGA cuts. 11 time PGA Player of the Year. It goes on and on. Tiger had a little interruption in 2009, which I’m sure you heard about. There was a very strange, very weird car crash and one thing led to another and we found out that Tiger was cheating on his lovely wife Elin, a beautiful woman even to this day. Put quite a crimp in Tiger's career, he had to go to rehab for Ambien, which I think is like going to rehab for Tylenol, but whatever. Anyway over time Tiger got his swing back, and in fact he’s still swinging. And he hasn’t stopped getting around with the ladies, some of them married to his best friends.

[TRUMP steps back and, from behind some draperies, pulls a golf club.]

So here’s your Presidential Medal of Freedom, you rat motherfucker!

[TRUMP swings the club wildly at WOODS, who runs from the room. Spectators scream and flee as SECRET SERVICE swarm and gently restrain TRUMP, who can be heard roaring behind the wall of agents, “Never happened! It never happened!”]