The road to Robb Elementary
This is not a regular installment of This Is Hardcore — my semi-regular series of stories from extreme rightwing hate sites that are promoted by email spam to hapless senior citizens. (Emails, I should add, that I get in abundance because I’m an old man who looks at rightwing websites, and the algorithm has no way of knowing whether I am a liberal who looks at these emails critically or a frightened and enraged reactionary who looks at the emails as reassurance that not everyone out there in the terrifying new world is gay or trans or black or feminist or otherwise a threat to their idea of what America should be, or [even worse] someone who is white and male and like them in other ways but does not want to join them in killing those people and thus a Rage Traitor.)
Rather it’s a gathering of recent email copy from a vendor of such emails, one of many, that focuses on peddling guns, ammo, and gun-and-ammo related products, called Tactical Shit.
You may think the average grandpa who gets Tactical Shit emails must be too religious or old-fashioned to countenance that curse word in the name. But many of Tactical Shit’s auto-subscribed recipients are not seniors — they only believe in the same world the geezers do, and will give anything to keep it from changing, whether they are approaching retirement and know it’s not gonna be what they’d hoped for and are inclined to blame minorities, or teenagers mad at the world for not loving them the way they wished their mommy and daddy could have and not yet driven berserk enough to go out and shoot up a school.
Most of the emails sent by Tactical Shit are pure product pitches — always with lurid militaristic imagery like this:
One might wonder why someone who’s getting email at a non-dot-mil address would welcome a pitch suggesting the products will be useful in a military engagement — if one were not an American, had never seen the kind of war-against-the-dusky-hordes material regularly peddled by the NRA and other rightwing orgs, and did not realize how conservatives are either nostalgic for their days of military service, when problems were easily solved by superior firepower, or did not serve (most, I’m guessing) but still like the idea of a world where one can simply mass-murder one’s way to comfort and happiness.
Since it’s coming up, I think you’d like to see their Memorial Day Sale pitch:
If you’re not sure why Tactical Shit celebrates the Day of Remembrance for fallen soldiers with heavily-armed hot chicks, maybe you haven’t been watching enough action movies.
But wait, there’s MOAR! Tactical Shit occasionally sends a line extension called Tactical Shit News, and like most news outlets these days they focus on what they know their readers fear most, e.g.:
What “sanctions” do their readers fear? A quick scan of the news shows most sanctions mentioned are aimed at Russia and other enemies-of-America-slash-markets-for-mercenaries. But the sanctions they fear are closer to home. As we have previously discussed, modern conservatism is mostly about their eternal mood-swing between grandeur and victimhood, so though Tactical Shit readers may feel confident of the firepower they’ve purchased, there’s always something else to fear, and that’s Big Gummint Liberal Snowflake LGBTQ Social Justice peacecreeps who want to get between them and their ordnance! As in this linked story:
BREAKING: Massive 2A killer introduced
Senator Cory Booker wants to pass GUN CONTROL:
That means the politically-connected and corrupt government officials might be granted licenses. But literally everyone else could be completely sh*t out of luck.
The last gun you bought could in all likelihood be the last gun you will ever be able to legally buy.
No one on God’s green earth believes this — not before Robb Elementary and not after. But if you’re an amped-up chucklefuck with a basement and back rooms full of weapons, ammo, Marge Greene posters and Nazi memorabilia, and the closest you’ve gotten to using your ordnance is sitting shitfaced on your darkened porch late at night aiming your scope at kids walking down the road at the end of your hundred-foot driveway, the prospect of gun-grabbers just asking for a Second Amendment remedy — especially a black guy! — is as pundendal-artery-filling as it gets.
Sen. Booker has literally declared WAR on the American people, on you, and on your entire family for generations.
That’s why we will not rest until this existential threat to liberty is EVISCERATED. And we hope you’ll stand with us in fighting back.
WOLVERINES! [Shoots off own cock]
Now, for readers who cannot (due to family responsibilities or mobility issues) walk the Tree of Liberty Watering walk, Tactical Shit News does offer a low-impact alternative/grift:
That’s why we’re calling on you to help FPC mobilize against this bill RIGHT NOW by digging deep and making your most generous donation.
Chip in $100, $50, $25, or perhaps an even more generous amount like $250 or even $500. We’re going to need every penny.
FPC is the Firearms Policy Coalition — the folks who just won a loony court case overturning California’s law banning automatic weapons sales to teenagers. Now more prospective Payton Gendrons and Salvador Ramoses will get their chance at mass murder — and in a blue state, too, which will really excite conservatives, as it shows the country uniting (or, rather, being forced into unity) on the patriotic principle that no child is more important that guns.
I’m gonna keep on saying it: These people are mad and must be stopped.