Stop Us If You’ve Heard This One

Ha ha who are we kidding this is the fucking New York Times

As we had done in the past and knew our readers expected, last week The New York Times fanned out to the diners across the Midwest to talk to Trump voters about his second Inauguration. But, curiously, we found these diners devoid of Trump voters — at least any that would talk to a Times reporter about their vote. In fact, many of the quaint local boîtes we had visited in 2016 and 2017 gave Timesmen a frosty reception this time around. A few even had tattered clippings of our earlier stories that we had gleaned from conversations with their habitués taped up by their register with rude and sometimes offensive comments attached, in much the same way that urban bodegas will post Polaroids of shoplifters.

The few patrons we could engage in conversation or overhear with any clarity mostly talked about how the cost of their breakfast of eggs and bacon had nearly doubled and how they expected Trump to fix that, and of course the inferiority of non-white people.

We then brought our correspondents to Washington, D.C., where we expected to see Trump voters at the Inauguration and Inaugural Parade; but, when the president-elect cancelled these events due to cold weather, we were at sea. Fortunately our fellow journalist Salena Zito was able to refer us to some Trump voters (or, as she refers to them, “potential ‘non-partisan’ sources”), and we have recorded selected comments from them below.

Etta Frudglinger
Windshield wiper wholesaler, retired
Camisole, Ohio

Every time I put on the TV or the internet there are people being pushed at me as somebody I’m supposed to admire. Yet those people don’t have any of the qualities that I recognize in myself. You take Dolly Parton, for example. When do you ever see her telling a college professor or a snooty waiter where to get off? Give me that “kiss my grits!” girl who was always telling off Mel, any day. But big tech won’t allow it. I used to like Elton John, but then I found out he was gay. Not only that; I found out he had been gay for years, going back when I was a young girl, because I saw it in a rerun of Will and Grace. Now if that’s not grooming I don’t know what is. God bless President Trump.

J. Z. Pissant
Supervisor, hog rendering plant
Fritters, Alabama

Some people, people like you, they think President Trump is such-and-such a way. But that’s where you’re wrong. The first time he was in he had to use rough talk because people were talking some kind of special language like they use on TV, with lots of “did have had” and “wherefore” and such like. He had to break through that. It makes me mad because I was never that good at school and I thought when I beat up the kids that were good at school that they would stay beat up, but then they all went to the big city, except for the one I killed, and now I see them on commercials, even on the football games, making reservations at fancy restaurants. It doesn’t make any sense. I have a possum in my garage and I keep trying to get him on the camera in my phone but he won’t do it so I’m trying to starve him out. I bet you think that’s racist.

José Jiménez
Immigrant “who is very legal”
(prefers not to disclose hometown)

People say Trump is bad for immigrants but no, it’s only immigrants who don’t play by the rules have to be scared. I have played by the rules. That is why I don’t tell you where I live, and give you a ridiculous fake name. These are the rules of the game that we are playing. I was always good at games, mumblety-peg and pinochle. Gotta go!

James Walker Bluing
Luxury vehicle dealer
Simonize, Wyoming

Did you see the rate of inflation when Biden was President? Why, it was over 70 percent! Like Carter! Nearly wrecked my business! What’s that? Three percent, you say? That’s a bunch of baloney. I could barely make a profit and I had nine Cybertrucks ready to move. Don’t try to confuse me and don’t show me anything on your iPhone, either, that’s all a fake sent by the Bilderbergs to confuse people. Do your own research! I get my information from a young man on the web, very smart young fellow, his name is Adolf Twizzler. I bet you think he’s a Nazi, but the joke’s on you because he’s black. Anyway he says it’s the fault of the Jews and the woke and the trans but now we got ‘em on the run and interest rates will go down to zero and eggs will be free. I’ll be back in black by the second quarter. You hear me? Back in black! [Makes guitar noises with his mouth.]

Josiah Mush
Porter, Thunderdome Church of Jesus Christ
Bullfrog, Mississippi

What the hell you lookin’ at? Huh? You some kind of [sexual orientation slur]? You and your [racial slur] friends? We’re going to [obscene, violent action] you, you and your [cavalcade of slurs]. I see you, with your [sexual orientation slur, adjectival form] glasses. You must like that Derek Guy on Bluesky. He’s the one who’s always trying to make people like me look bad with his fashion tips. I'll [obscene, violent action] him and you and everyone who knows what I’m talking about. Oh, God, oh, oh, look, I done pissed myself. Oh mother, mother, oh, help me, cover me up Mommy.