Talking point guide

How the sausage is made

To be disseminated to all on-air talent at Fox, OAN, Sinclair and other friendly stations and syndicates. Some improvisation encouraged to make it look natural and avoid embarrassing viral videos.

[After a tipster reveals that a library in Tuscaloosa has retired its copy of “How We Beat the Buck-Toothed Nips at Guadalcanal,” which has not been requested by a user since the 1960s and contains multiple references to the racial inferiority of the Japanese people, with illustrations to match, including a phrenological chart.]

PRESENTER: It had to happen; now the woke mob is cancelling America’s role in World War II. A library in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, of all places, has removed a book celebrating the allied victory at Guadalcanal, a turning point in the war against Hitler, because it contains, are you ready for this, some allegedly offensive terms for the enemy soldiers — and remember, when we say “enemy soldiers” we're talking about the Nazis and fascists that America went to war with.

FEMALE ON-AIR SIDEKICK: Hmmm, and yet the cancel culture people say Antifa is anti-fascist, don’t they.

PRESENTER: Great point! The library claims it was just showing “sensitivity” toward a certain segment of their users, and I know some World War II veterans who’d like to find out who’s in that segment.

FEMALE ON-AIR SIDEKICK: So would my great-grandpa. He lost a leg at Anzio.

PRESENTER: Calls to the mayor of Tuscaloosa, Democrat Walt Maddox, went unreturned.

[Students at Kennedy Kenrick Catholic High School in Norristown, Pennsylvania plan to present the Jones-Schmidt musical The Fantasticks without the dozens of original references to “rape” in the “Rape Ballet” and elsewhere in the script, because they think modern audiences would find it jarring.]

PRESENTER: Well, we’re used to it from Hollywood and from Broadway, but now we’re even getting cancel culture on the high school stage. The kids of Kennedy Kenrick Catholic High School in Norristown, Pennsylvania plans to present an amateur production of The Fantasticks, the longest-running musical in off-Broadway history, this June, but with a feminist twist: The actors refuse to say the word “rape,” which appears in the script, and even refuse to use the original lyrics of a song that also has the word in it. The school says the word is “inappropriate” in this day and age.

FEMALE ON-AIR SIDEKICK: Funny, these kids are listening to a Cardi B song that’s so vulgar I can’t even say the title on-air, but they have a problem with “rape.”

PRESENTER: Makes you think. A charming musical ruined by political correctness. Calls to the principal, the drama teacher, and several students of the school with publicly listed numbers went unreturned.

[One of the January 6 Capitol insurrectionists, Randy Willie Weaver of Gunk, Arkansas, spit at the judge at his bond hearing and, before being sent back to jail pending trial, declared his intention to “kill Joe Biden and his pedo friends, skullfuck Nancy Pelosi, and start a fucking race war so a white man can get a break in this country.” When told of this, Joe Biden referred to Weaver as a “nut” who “doesn’t represent this country.” Weaver has been charged with Civil Disorder, Assaulting a Federal Officer, Entering a Restricted Building Without Lawful Authority While Carrying a Weapon, and Violent Entry and Disorderly Conduct on Capitol Grounds.]

PRESENTER: Some heated language lands a Capitol Hill protestor in hot water. At his bail hearing in Washington, D.C., Randy Willie Weaver of Gunk, Arkansas, one of the folks who raised a ruckus back in January over the contested Presidential election, had a few choice words for the judge, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and the man whose election he and millions of other Americans consider fraudulent because of rigged voting machines and fake ballots. We can only show this footage with the sound off, but you can tell Weaver was not having it! [Laughter]

FEMALE ON-AIR SIDEKICK: Wow! Maybe the lip-readers in our audience can tell what he’s saying! [Laughter]

PRESENTER: I tell you, he was ticked! [Laughter] Though only charged with trespassing and a few related crimes, Weaver will go back to jail until his trial in April. Maybe he’ll have cooled off by then! [Laughter] Joe Biden wasn’t laughing, though, and when told about Weaver's comments Biden had some heated words of his own:

[Footage of Biden’s remarks]

Presidents, no matter how they got into office, don’t usually make prejudicial comments like that about people who are, after all, innocent until proven guilty.

FEMALE ON-AIR SIDEKICK: That’s a pretty big gaffe right there.

PRESENTER: Could be that, as several top Republicans have told me, Biden is suffering from some form of dementia, maybe even something worse.

FEMALE ON-AIR SIDEKICK: And Weaver was just exercising his Constitutional right to protest and free speech.

PRESENTER: Looks like cancel culture is coming for anyone who questions Biden’s social justice mob.

FEMALE ON-AIR SIDEKICK: Looks like!