Tears of a Tycoon

You have to listen, he's rich

Billionaire investor Leon Cooperman teared up on Monday as he discussed the political divide in the U.S. and his concerns about the American dream.

“I care,” the hedge-fund manager answered on CNBC’s “Halftime Report,” tearing up after CNBC’s Scott Wapner asked why he has been so vocal about the 2020 election...

“I don’t need Elizabeth Warren telling me that I’m a deadbeat and that billionaires are deadbeats. The vilification of billionaires makes no sense to me. The world is a sustainably better place because of Bill Gates, Michael Bloomberg, David Rubenstein, Bernie Marcus, Ken Langone,” Cooperman said.

-- CNBC, “‘I care’ — billionaire investor tears up talking about America, Elizabeth Warren and Donald Trump”

Yes, dammit, I care, and that is why I just now bought CNBC — so I could tell my story to you peasants directly, without the interference of so-called “journalists” or “editors.” Don’t worry, I’ll sell the damned thing tomorrow when I’m done with it. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll deliberately ruin it, like those fellows did with Deadspin. I can do anything I want! I have the power of life and death! Ah ha ha ha ha!

Just a moment — I feel a mood swing coming on. Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo, boo hoo hoo hoo. How unfair that woman has been to me — I, who have donated so much to charities, foundations, and think tanks! I, who want nothing but the best for my fellow citizens! (That’s you, peasants.)

I told that damned insolent Obama the same thing in 2011. I have a copy here; Rupert was good enough to run it in the New York Post. Good man, that Rupert! — “the divisive, polarizing tone of your rhetoric is cleaving a widening gulf, at this point as much visceral as philosophical, between the downtrodden and those best positioned to help them.”

Yes, yes, that was well said! I believe the man in charge of the content team that produced it for me is on the board of the Washington Post today. And some people say our system keeps down young talent!

You want to know who your real enemies are? The government, that’s who — like the SEC which hounded and rolled me for five million dollars. Pocket change for a fellow like me, but it was the principle of the thing. And when I say the SEC are your enemies, I mean they’re my enemies, because I am your only hope of rising above the filth and muck of poverty in which you are hopelessly mired. Yes, I have billions to dangle above your sulfurous cesspits, and you will stretch and flail for them, like the miserable shit-meerkats you are! Ah ha ha ha ha!

I mean boo hoo hoo, boo hoo hoo. And that’s another thing about being so damned rich — I can even buy emotions. There is a little box at the base of my skull that I can manipulate with my thoughts, and it delivers neurotransmitters that can change me from a jolly madcap to the tearful wretch you see now, boo hoo hoo, boo hoo hoo. But on a dime, watch! Ah ha ha ha ha! And I didn’t even need the box! Just the thought of all my money, and how it puts me beyond the reach of your puny morality, gives me a serotonin rush the like of which you insignificant worms will never experience!

So great am I that I can command of you something even emperors would not dream of commanding in olden times — I can command you to feel sorry for me! And you will, you miserable creatures! I command your tears to flow and as when Moses commanded the Red Sea your ducts will do my bidding! You will sigh and shake your head that this horrible woman, who dares run for president, an office reserved for bearers of the penis, would speak a word against me! For I have made the media my puppet, and they daily teach you that I am your benefactor, and that my pain is your pain! You know it’s true! You read crappy magazines about the plight of celebrities every day! You use words like mogul and magnate as if they were exalted and honorable titles rather than synonyms for Rich Guy Who Could Run You Over And Not Get Arrested! You have been trained!

Ah ha ha ha! But wait! I will increase my mad glee even further! I will add cream to my jest — by saying a few disparaging words about Trump! His deportment is not presidential and we need a unifier in that position because the country’s being torn apart — ah ha ha ha! You know it’s bullshit! I know it’s bullshit! But you will take it seriously, even more seriously than when David French does it, because I command it! Ah ha ha ha ha!

This high is unsustainable — time for a cutting-edge sedative you’ve never even heard of, washed down with 100-year-old Scotch and a 15-year-old hooker, and a full night of sleep in my bariatric chamber! Farewell, peasants! Don’t forget to feel sorry for me! Boo hoo hoo! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!