The Ballad of Big Balls

It's Reichstaggering!

[Oval Office. TRUMP at Resolute Desk with an iPhone on a holder and a laptop open. Nearby MARCO RUBIO sits in a dissociative daze.]

TRUMP: OK, they got the police report. You lookin’ at it?

VOICE OF ELON MUSK: Yes.

TRUMP: [Squinting] Unarmed? What’s this “unarmed carjacking” shit? Unarmed? What the fuck? They were supposed to have those big guns. Whatchamacallit. Tecnos! Technics!

MUSK: [Audible moue] I guess they did not get the guns.

TRUMP: Fucking Hegseth! He said he had this in the bag. I’ll kill him for this! [To RUBIO] Marco, you hearing this?

RUBIO: Absolutely.

TRUMP: They make it look like he was protecting the girl though. That’s good. She’s white, right? And the kids all a bunch of dinges.

MUSK: I believe so.

TRUMP: [Impersonating] “I believe so.” Ya sound like a fuckin’ kraut. These dinges, they’re over 14, right? ‘cause we wanna get that law, they’re tried as adults. Give ‘em the chair. Hang ‘em!

MUSK: We’re getting the picture now, sir.

TRUMP: Waiting. [Pause] OK, now, that looks good. Like he really got pasted. Yeah, really got hammered. Look at that, all that blood all over him. Good color! You know where he got it from, right? [To RUBIO] Hey, Marco! You know where he got it from, right?

RUBIO: Oh, yes.

TRUMP: Hey, Elon, tell him I said not to worry, he’ll be all healed up the next day. Get it? Elon! Hey!

MUSK: Yes, that’s a good joke, sir, ha ha!

TRUMP: See, this is why people hate you. You’re like a weird fake person, you don’t even laugh right.

MUSK: I have a cold.

TRUMP: Well, doesn’t matter ‘cause we got what we need. We’re gonna take over D.C. and get our own people in there and make it like a showplace, all gold and marble and beautiful. Cops everyplace. White cops! Send all the spooks to PG County. Elon, the story getting around on Twitter?

MUSK: It’s X, sir, and yes, it is trending.

TRUMP: Bet people are mad as hell.

MUSK: Welllll, yes.

TRUMP: “Welllll, yes.” You don’t sound too sincere.

MUSK: There are some clowns, sir, and they think it’s funny he got beat up.

TRUMP: How’d’ya like that? Sick, evil people. You can’t blame ‘em, he’s a creepy little shit.

MUSK: [Querulously] I have always found him to be a fine young man, sir.

TRUMP: Forget it, it works for us. People laugh because he calls himself Big Balls and he looks like Timmy from Lassie grew up to be a hairdresser, so it’s funny he got beat up by some punk kids. So I say, look at all these sickos, these communists, laughing at this fine young American man, it even says “America” on the car, he got beat up by these animals defending a white girl. They’ll be mad when I get through with them, don’t worry.

MUSK: Yes, sir.

TRUMP: Send in the Guard, they love it. They hate this fucking place. I made ‘em erase Black Lives Matter, they popped a boner over that. Wait’ll the soldiers stick a few of ‘em with bayonets. Hey, maybe I should get dogs and firehoses. You get that, Elon?

MUSK: I’m afraid I don’t understand.

TRUMP: C’mon, loosen up! Alright, got a prostitute waiting, see you later. Don’t tell people we talked. We’re supposed to be fighting.

MUSK: Yes, sir.

[TRUMP hangs up iPhone, puts it in his pocket, closes the laptop. He walks past RUBIO, pausing in front of him to fart, and continues out of the office. After a pause, RUBIO, still staring into space, starts to get up, then falls back, as if unable.]