[In the Oval Office, TRUMP at the Resolute Desk, beside which, propped up on an easel, is a rendering of the front of the Smithsonian Museum of National History in Washington, D.C., redesigned so that the façade announces TRUMP MUSEUM OF REAL AMERICAN HISTORY, has an enormous gold statue of TRUMP in the center alcove, and is festooned with flags, gold ornaments, and pictures of Hank Williams Jr., Sylvester Stallone, Spiro Agnew, et alia. Also the water in the fountain in front of the museum is bright blue. Brownstone Institute president and rightwing culture warrior JEFFREY TUCKER, dressed in a three-piece tweed suit with a floppy bow tie, sits in a chair in front of TRUMP; presidential aide/Nazi STEPHEN MILLER, wearing his usual modified SS uniform, stands nearby.]
TRUMP: And we got other things going on, like Archie Bunker’s chair, we’re gonna have a statue of me sitting in it. Not a statue, that’d be too heavy, more like a hologram I guess.
TUCKER: I see.
TRUMP: Speaking of statues we got a real big one of George Washington we had for the car races, we’re gonna put it in there.
TUCKER: I heard about that, sir. Great idea.
TRUMP: Yeah, still not big enough, though. [To MILLER] Your wife says about ten feet, right, Steve?
MILLER: Yes, Mr. President.
TRUMP: [To TUCKER] What I want is, we take out the statue they got, Washington has his shirt off, disgusting, we take this one and we make it bigger, really big, like we beef it up, and we put it where the bad one was and we knock a hole in the ceiling so it pokes up, maybe knock a hole in all the ceilings, so it goes straight through and his head pops through the roof so you can see it from outside like he’s looking at you.
TUCKER: I see.
TRUMP: ‘cause can you believe it, they got Lincoln, Jefferson, but there’s nothing for George Washington down there.
TUCKER: Well, except the Washington Monument.
[MILLER narrows his eyes at TUCKER.]
TRUMP: Whattaya mean?
TUCKER: The Washington Monument, sir. The obelisk.
TRUMP: The what?
TUCKER: The hundred-foot-tall monument, sir, it’s shaped like a sword. Down by the —
TRUMP: That thing? That’s supposed to be George Washington? I thought it was named after Washington the place.
[To MILLER.]
Did you know this?
MILLER: I have heard it said.
TRUMP: [To TUCKER] It doesn’t even look like him. It doesn’t look like anything. This modern art crap.
TUCKER: When they designed —
TRUMP: It’s like that stupid “Blue” thing and the squiggle they got now, out front. Nobody knows what the hell it is.
TUCKER: Well, the —
TRUMP: Don’t tell me you like it. They told me you know what’s good.
TUCKER: [As delicately as he can manage] In most cases, sir, I too prefer representa — I mean art that looks like the person. But George Washington, sir, and his role in our nation’s history is so monumental that the planners thought just another statue wouldn’t be adequate —
TRUMP: Hey! Hey! Not “just another statue,” this one’s big. It’s gonna be the biggest one in Washington, the biggest one in history. In fact, [to MILLER] what say we knock down the big sword thing and build the statue there?
[MILLER and TUCKER exchange a quick look.]
MILLER: Of course there is nothing prohibiting this, Mr. President.
TRUMP: Damn straight.
MILLER: But we had discussed building your own statue at that site.
[Small pause.]
TRUMP: Right.
MILLER: Of course you can build whatever and wherever you want.
TRUMP: I’m the boss.
MILLER: Merely as a suggestion, the location of the big sword is at the center of the mall, the most powerful place in Washington. Even more than the White House. Most suitable, sir, for a hundred-foot statue of America’s greatest president.
TRUMP: Plus it’s no slur on Washington ‘cause nobody knows that’s what the big sword is supposed to be.
MILLER: Yes, sir.
TRUMP [Gestures toward TUCKER] He knows because he’s an expert but the rubes just think it’s Washington D.C.
MILLER: Yes, sir.
[MILLER nods while looking significantly at TUCKER, who nods, too, and keeps nodding.]
TRUMP: Maybe we have me with my arm around the sword, and we paint pictures on it of my big deals, like Iran and Venezuela and Greenland.
MILLER: Brilliant, sir!
TUCKER: [Faintly] Yes.
[TRUMP’s phone pings.]
TRUMP: Oops, gotta go get laid.
[TRUMP hauls himself up and heads out the door.]
Ok, you guys work up a commission or whatever. See you later.
[TRUMP leaves. TUCKER stands up. MILLER rushes to him.]
MILLER: I knew this meeting was a mistake.
TUCKER: I beg your pardon?
MILLER: All your kind are alike! You say you are loyal, that you support our work, but you must show off your erudition! Do you realize what catastrophe might have ensued?
TUCKER: You’re blaming me for that?
MILLER: [Stiffens] Who else?
[Small pause.]
Go back to your Institute. Not a word of this or we kill your family. [Yells toward door] Guards!
[A MARINE comes inside. TUCKER quietly goes to him and is escorted out of the Oval.]
Subtle, but "I have heard it said" is my favorite part.
I think I may be in the minority on this, but I say as disrespectful to our history and as hideous as these egocentric "monuments" are, let Trump have 'em. While he's preoccupied with staving off his fear of death by ensuring his memory lives on, he's not expending his limited energy on something worse and irreversibly destructive. After he's gone, call in the wrecking crew.