The contender

Preliminary negotiations

[The State Reception Room at the Florida Governor’s mansion, a colorful blend of Federal, Plantation, and High-End Extended Stay Hotel Styles. Sprawled on a striped love seat is celebrity murderer KYLE RITTENHOUSE, wearing camo, a hoodie, and brown Timberlands, drinking soda through a straw out of a big plastic tumbler. Standing in front of him is RON DeSANTIS, wearing a nice dark blue Prada suit and light blue shirt open at the throat and Bruno Magli loafers. At the edge of his left sleeve, we see a glimpse of gold watch. A WAITER holding a salver stands in a doorway.]

DeSANTIS: You get enough to eat?

RITTENHOUSE: [Shrugs] OK.

DeSANTIS: Let’s talk.

[DeSANTIS pulls a chair over, sits with his hands tented down between his thighs.]

Kyle, I want you on our team. I think you’re a great role model for young people, you’re charismatic, you speak with authority, you’re somebody we want to put on the campaign trail.

RITTENHOUSE: Sounds like a lot of work.

DeSANTIS: It will be a lot of work, yes. But it’s the kind of work that will pay dividends for you. Kyle, let me ask, how have you been spending your time since your acquittal?

RITTENHOUSE: [Shrugs] Hangin’ out.

DeSANTIS: You’re on Twitter.

RITTENHOUSE: Yeah, and doin’ gun stuff. Got a game, gonna have a YouTube channel.

DeSANTIS: So that’s what you’re going to concentrate on. Gun stuff.

RITTENHOUSE: Sure, why not.

[RITTENHOUSE shakes his tumbler at the WAITER, who takes it and carries it away.]

DeSANTIS: You making good money with this?

RITTENHOUSE: Enough.

DeSANTIS: Let me put it another way. Are you making any money with it?

[WAITER comes back and gives RITTENHOUSE a new tumbler, which he ignores; WAITER stands off to the side with it.]

RITTENHOUSE: Whattaya mean?

DeSANTIS: You want to know what I hear? I hear so far it’s all promises. This guy says he’ll set up your game. That guy says he’ll set up your YouTube. But where’s the money, Kyle? The actual money?

[Pause.]

The fundraisers, Kyle. You see much of that money? After the lawyers and everyone else?

RITTENHOUSE: I got plenty.

DeSANTIS: No, I don’t think so. If you did, you wouldn’t dress like that.

RITTENHOUSE: What’s wrong with the way I dress?

DeSANTIS: Nothing if you’re a guy with no job and no prospects who’s OK hanging out and talking about the big things he’s going to do.

[DeSANTIS leans forward.]

That’s not you, is it, Kyle? Timberlands are OK, but I think you’d rather have – [purses lips] Aether Moto Boots. They cost but they’re worth it. Or Roa Andreas. Drake wears those. They cost but they’re worth it.

[DeSANTIS stands up.]

Kyle, look at what I’m wearing. What do you think. Be honest.

RITTENHOUSE: Looks OK. Kinda corny.

DeSANTIS: The suit, three thousand. The shoes, five hundred. I’m ashamed to say what this watch costs. My wife says it’s wasteful. It costs more than your car.

[Pause.]

I wear this on TV, at press conferences, on the campaign trail. People look at it and the money pours in. I’m the Governor of Florida and I’m going to be President. I think this is something you want to get in on.

[A disturbance offstage — sounds like little kids. Suddenly ERIC TRUMP and DON TRUMP JUNIOR run in wearing nice suits but with white athletic shoes. They’re giggling and looking over their shoulders. A couple of men in black suits and Ray-Bans stride in, each with a hand inside his jacket. RITTENHOUSE stands up.]

DeSANTIS: [To the MEN] It’s alright, guys. Just wait there a minute. [To the TRUMPS] Hello, Don, Eric. What brings you here?

ERIC: [To RITTENHOUSE] Well well well, look who it is!

JUNIOR: [To DeSANTIS] Governor, just stopped by to see how things were going with you and our Trump spokesman Kyle Rittenhouse.

ERIC: [To the WAITER] Mountain Dew, please!

JUNIOR: [To ERIC] Forget it, doofus! This is business.

ERIC: You forget it.

DeSANTIS: Do you fellas have a deal with Mr. Rittenhouse?

JUNIOR: Yeah.

ERIC: [Simultaneously] No.

[JUNIOR punches ERIC’s arm.]

Ow!

JUNIOR: We’re at a stage in our negotiations where it’s essentially a draft agreement.

ERIC: That’s right, he’s buds with us and we looked at documents and he took documents away.

DeSANTIS: [Looking at RITTENHOUSE] But nobody signed any documents, am I right?

ERIC: Almost.

JUNIOR: We gave him documents.

ERIC: Dad knows all about this.

JUNIOR: No he doesn’t.

ERIC: Dad doesn’t know anything about this.

DeSANTIS: I see. Well, it looks like you boys have something to discuss, so I won’t keep you. [To RITTENHOUSE] The valet will get your car.

[DeSANTIS pats RITTENHOUSE’s shoulder with his left hand, takes and shakes RITTENHOUSE’s hand with the other.]

I’m sure we’ll talk. [To ERIC and JUNIOR]  OK, fellas, great to see you. You have fun now.

[DeSANTIS walks to the other side of the room. RITTENHOUSE, looking a little peeved, walks briskly past ERIC and JUNIOR, who look at each other and then run after him; ERIC darts back —]

ERIC: It’s not business Mr. DeSantis, it’s only — oh shoot.

[ERIC runs out. Pause.]

DeSANTIS: [To the WAITER] IPA.

[The WAITER leaves. DeSANTIS sits on the love seat, lopes an arm across the back of it. He squints into the distance.]

It can’t be this easy.

[CURTAIN.]