The Dilbert Diaries

Scripts for the future strips

[DILBERT is seen in his customary WFH bathrobe, playing with a pencil. His terminal shows a Zoom meeting in progress.]

VOICE FROM COMPUTER: Dilbert, for the last time, turn your camera on or your WFH privileges will be revoked.

DILBERT: [Thought balloon] Good thing I mocked up a 3-D Dilbert on channel 3.

VOICE FROM COMPUTER: And you better be wearing a mask!

[DILBERT presses a key; the screen shows the view of a camera shooting his toilet at about crotch level.]

DILBERT: Oops.

[DILBERT buries his face in his hands.]

Please be gentle with me. I’m going through a rough time.

ALICE: [Thought balloon] Well, that’s the last one of his parties I’m going to.

+

[An ELBONIAN carrying a backpack with a BLM sticker on it confronts DILBERT at his cubicle.]

DILBERT: What are you doing here?

ELBONIAN: New immigration policy. Your liberal mayor has sent each of us to live with a white person.

DILBERT: You mean you’re not white?

ELBONIAN: [Curling up under DILBERT’S desk] Come on, that was always implied.

DILBERT: [Thought balloon] Hmmm, they have always hated us – just like black people.

ELBONIAN: [Holding up a DILBERT book] Look at this one!

+

[The ELBONIAN is sitting under DILBERT’s desk drinking coffee. WALLY has joined them,]

WALLY: There’s an Elbonian under your desk.

DILBERT: I know. It’s an immigration thing.

WALLY: Watch this.

[WALLY pulls and aims a gun at the ELBONIAN, who without dropping his coffee whips out an iPhone and starts filming him.]

DILBERT: See how quickly they adapt?

WALLY: We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children.

+

[The POINTY-HAIRED BOSS is holding a meeting.]

POINTY-HAIRED BOSS: As you all know Wally said something very racist yesterday.

We gave him a choice: Either be fired or let the Elbonians humiliate him sexually.

Wally said “Death Before Dishonor” and resigned. As a result, we will draw straws to see which of you will be given to the Elbonians in a gesture of collective guilt.

[DILBERT is shown sitting in chair while several ELBONIANS wave their penises in his face.]

DILBERT: [Thought balloon] It could be worse – they could have sent the men.

+

[DILBERT has been called before the POINTY-HAIRED BOSS.]

POINTY-HAIRED BOSS: You thought something yesterday that was racist AND sexist.

DILBERT: How can you read my thoughts?

POINTY-HAIRED BOSS: Give me one reason why I shouldn’t fire you.

DILBERT: I… identify as a black person?

POINTY-HAIRED BOSS: Dilbert, even this strip is beyond that.

DILBERT: [Thought balloon] I underestimated him.

+

[DILBERT is sitting at home with DOGBERT.]

DILBERT: So now that I’m cancelled, I’m afraid there’s nothing in the budget for your upkeep.

DOGBERT: Why should I suffer for your weakness?

DILBERT: Well, I — hey, who are you calling weak?

DOGBERT: You could have vowed to fight this injustice. Bret Stephens and his ex-wife would have written columns in your defense.

DILBERT: [Thought balloon] He has a point.

DOGBERT: But you gave in to your boss and a bunch of inferior liver-lipped Elbonians.

DILBERT: How do you know what kind of lips they have? And since when are you a racist?

DOGBERT: It’s time you took the black pill, Dilbert. Behold!

[DOGBERT turns on DILBERT’s computer, which shows TINA having deviant sex with two ELBONIANS.]

DILBERT: JESUS CHRIST!

[DILBERT buries his face in his hands. WALLY comes in, stripped to the waist and covered in white nationalist tattoos.]

WALLY: Come to the Proud Boys meeting! We drink lots of milk, punch each other, and refrain from masturbation!

[DILBERT gives the White Power/OK sign.]

DILBERT: [Thought balloon] Two out of three ain’t bad.

[DOGBERT wags his tail.]