The Dilbert Diaries
Scripts for the future strips
[DILBERT is seen in his customary WFH bathrobe, playing with a pencil. His terminal shows a Zoom meeting in progress.]
VOICE FROM COMPUTER: Dilbert, for the last time, turn your camera on or your WFH privileges will be revoked.
DILBERT: [Thought balloon] Good thing I mocked up a 3-D Dilbert on channel 3.
VOICE FROM COMPUTER: And you better be wearing a mask!
[DILBERT presses a key; the screen shows the view of a camera shooting his toilet at about crotch level.]
[DILBERT buries his face in his hands.]
Please be gentle with me. I’m going through a rough time.
ALICE: [Thought balloon] Well, that’s the last one of his parties I’m going to.
[An ELBONIAN carrying a backpack with a BLM sticker on it confronts DILBERT at his cubicle.]
DILBERT: What are you doing here?
ELBONIAN: New immigration policy. Your liberal mayor has sent each of us to live with a white person.
DILBERT: You mean you’re not white?
ELBONIAN: [Curling up under DILBERT’S desk] Come on, that was always implied.
DILBERT: [Thought balloon] Hmmm, they have always hated us – just like black people.
ELBONIAN: [Holding up a DILBERT book] Look at this one!
[The ELBONIAN is sitting under DILBERT’s desk drinking coffee. WALLY has joined them,]
WALLY: There’s an Elbonian under your desk.
DILBERT: I know. It’s an immigration thing.
WALLY: Watch this.
[WALLY pulls and aims a gun at the ELBONIAN, who without dropping his coffee whips out an iPhone and starts filming him.]
DILBERT: See how quickly they adapt?
WALLY: We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children.
[The POINTY-HAIRED BOSS is holding a meeting.]
POINTY-HAIRED BOSS: As you all know Wally said something very racist yesterday.
We gave him a choice: Either be fired or let the Elbonians humiliate him sexually.
Wally said “Death Before Dishonor” and resigned. As a result, we will draw straws to see which of you will be given to the Elbonians in a gesture of collective guilt.
[DILBERT is shown sitting in chair while several ELBONIANS wave their penises in his face.]
DILBERT: [Thought balloon] It could be worse – they could have sent the men.
[DILBERT has been called before the POINTY-HAIRED BOSS.]
POINTY-HAIRED BOSS: You thought something yesterday that was racist AND sexist.
DILBERT: How can you read my thoughts?
POINTY-HAIRED BOSS: Give me one reason why I shouldn’t fire you.
DILBERT: I… identify as a black person?
POINTY-HAIRED BOSS: Dilbert, even this strip is beyond that.
DILBERT: [Thought balloon] I underestimated him.
[DILBERT is sitting at home with DOGBERT.]
DILBERT: So now that I’m cancelled, I’m afraid there’s nothing in the budget for your upkeep.
DOGBERT: Why should I suffer for your weakness?
DILBERT: Well, I — hey, who are you calling weak?
DOGBERT: You could have vowed to fight this injustice. Bret Stephens and his ex-wife would have written columns in your defense.
DILBERT: [Thought balloon] He has a point.
DOGBERT: But you gave in to your boss and a bunch of inferior liver-lipped Elbonians.
DILBERT: How do you know what kind of lips they have? And since when are you a racist?
DOGBERT: It’s time you took the black pill, Dilbert. Behold!
[DOGBERT turns on DILBERT’s computer, which shows TINA having deviant sex with two ELBONIANS.]
DILBERT: JESUS CHRIST!
[DILBERT buries his face in his hands. WALLY comes in, stripped to the waist and covered in white nationalist tattoos.]
WALLY: Come to the Proud Boys meeting! We drink lots of milk, punch each other, and refrain from masturbation!
[DILBERT gives the White Power/OK sign.]
DILBERT: [Thought balloon] Two out of three ain’t bad.
[DOGBERT wags his tail.]
The perfect niche for Dild — er, Dilbert, a combination of white supremicism, porn, and masculine insecurity!
Elon Musk is already calling newspapers' dropping of the comic "biased." I think Elon can correct this massive injustice by paying for more Dilbert strips and then forcing them into everyone's twitter feed. Together, they can strike a real blow for freedom of speech. Adams can draw strips crammed full of racist stuff--including having the title character join the Klan and just calling the token Black character the n-word--and Elon gets to exercise his power by forcing every twitter user to see the strips.
Oh! How the lib would be so owned by that!