The Fourth Estatus Quo

Bolt Upright and Received Opinion are gonna bothsides the hell out of this, again

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Randomly arpeggiated shrieks of the damned. On the screen behind: The popular Trolley Problem Meme graphic, except there are two figures at the switch, with the heads of DONALD TRUMP and ELON MUSK, and the tracks are absolutely filled with helpless, screaming figures that are bloodily killed and then ground up as the trolley rushes around and around the track at great speed as MUSK and TRUMP give thumbs-up. Chyron: ALL SYSTEMS “GAAHH!”]

Yet another energetic, dynamic, masculine and, dare I say it, MUSK-ular week for Donald Trump and those DOGE boys. They’ve been closing government offices, slashing federal workers, and digging through sensitive data including the personal information of you viewers at home! But the administration believes you won’t care so long as it trims wasteful government spending. You know — like when someone calls up and asks for your credit card information so they can make sure you’re getting the best interest rate.

[Some kind of chatter off-camera; UPRIGHT turns his head slightly toward it.]

I know it’s not on the card.