The girl can't help it

SCOTUS spouse speaks

[District of Columbia MPD Officers SHELAGH QUINN and JON KRUPP at the corner of Constitution and First Street NE on a lovely spring weekday. Like other people of the sidewalk they are looking south, in the direction of a yammering female voice.]

KRUPP: Come on.

[They walk south on First, passing more pedestrians who are also looking in the direction of the disturbance.]

QUINN: Why can’t Cap Police clean up this shit?

KRUPP: I hear they refused duty. Sergeant at Arms made a stink and no one wanted it in the papers.

QUINN: [Into her radio] 102, this is Quinn and Krupp, approaching MO for a wellness check at SCOTUS. Over.

KRUPP: I hear she favors men, so…

QUINN: Fine.

[They have reached the front steps of the Supreme Court, where GINNI THOMAS, wife of the Supreme Court Justice, is wearing a Supreme Court Justice’s robe like an off-the-shoulder gown; a bra strap is visible, and she is not wearing shoes. She carries an open bottle of Veuve Clicquot and appears to be very drunk. Her attention swings toward the officers.]

GINNI: Well, well, well, well, well, the boys in blue! And a boy-girl in blue!

[GINNI points with quick jabbing gestures:]

Boy girl boy girl boy girl boy girl boy girl! Ha! Now it’s a party!

[GINNI takes a big swig.]

KRUPP: I’m sorry, Ma’am, you can’t drink that outside.

GINNI: Maybe you can’t. I’m used to it because life’s a picnic when you’re on the right side of the law. Like Dum-barton Oaks. You assholes drink water out of tin cans —

[GINNI hoists the bottle.]

— but we drink Veuve and Dom and whiskey and rye. And when my Clarence goes out to Bohemian Grove, or Harlan Crow’s place — sure, why not, they drink whatever they want wherever they want because it’s their world! No pissy little forest ranger or rangerette is gonna tell ‘em not to smoke cigars or drink champagne or piss in the river just ‘cause some peon might get a surprise downstream.

KRUPP: Ma’am, we’re on a city street now, it’s different.

GINNI: A city street! Ha haha.

[GINNI sits down on a step, clunks the bottle down beside her.]

This isn’t the street, Ranger Smith. This is the Supreme Court of the United States and I claim sanctuary.

[GINNI raises her hands – grandly:]

Invisible force field! You have no power here.

[GINNI drops her hands – sighs:]

Why do you even bother? All this nonsense in the papers about Harlan Crow, Harlan Crow. He ain’t even that rich! Clarence knows dozens of men richer than him. And you should see what some of them have in their basements, ha! You’d forget all about the Hitler napkins, I’m telling you. But some fussbudget has to go Harlan Crow, Harlan Crow, business before the court, undue influence, yap yap yap. What do you think the Court is? Huh? Influence? What about the Puerto Rican? [Pronounces ripely] Son-ya! She has all these greasers back home in New York, she goes back and they come out of the sweatshops and they all eat — chili or whatever they eat, and she listens to their Puerto Rican yap, yap, yap, you bet they have an influence. How is that any different? We just have better catering.

[GINNI leans forward and points at the two cops.]

And let me tell you something, you know what else? I bet if you brought the Founding Fathers back here and showed them Sonya and her greasers and Clarence and his rich friends, which ones would they want in charge? Huh? George Washington? Thomas Jefferson? He might fuck some of ‘em but he wouldn’t want ‘em running things!

[GINNI cracks herself up. Kittenishly:]

Sometimes Clarence calls me his little Sally Hemings. Turnaround is fair play, he says.

KRUPP: Ma’am —

[GINNI goes wide-eyed and throws her arms out. Loud:]

GINNI: What? What? You think I care who hears it? You think it matters what —

[GINNI sweeps her arms at passers-by.]

— what any of these goobers think? All the best people are in all the newspapers telling you there’s nothing wrong with it! You believe that? Who cares? The point is we own you and we can do anything we want, anything —

[Swinging her arm, GINNI knocks over the champagne, which spills and rolls down some steps. QUINN retrieves it. GINNI pouts.]

Shit. Ah well.

[GINNI hoists herself up.]

Plenty more where that came from. You two can have the dregs. That’s all you get. Now you’ll excuse me, I have to go hang out with the real people.

[GINNI totters up the steps; two men in suits runs out with a stretcher, upon which GINNI flops. They whisk her away.]