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“I’m the governor of South Dakota, and [I] had the opportunity to come to SmileTexas to fix my teeth, which has been absolutely amazing,” Noem says in what amounts to a nearly five-minute-long infomercial. “... The team here was remarkable and finally gave me a smile that I can be proud of, and confident in, and that really is a gift that I think is going to be incredibly special to have. You know, I think that I chose the team here at SmileTexas because they’re the best”…

— Daily Beast, “Kristi Noem Hypes Texas Dentist in Very Weird ‘Infomercial’”

Hi, I’m Tommy Tuberville, former head football coach at Auburn University, supporter of Jesus Christ and Donald Trump, and U.S. Senator from Alabama, here to tell you about an exciting new product from Daily Wire Industries that could save your son, nephew, or other special little guy from wokeness.

If you watch Fox News and I know you do, you’ve heard about the crisis of manliness among our boy-children. What with gay marriage, he-shes on the TV, and Bud Light, parents have to work extra hard today to make sure their boys don’t grow up sissies.

You dads out there know that a boy has to get roughed up to become a man. You want him to go on out to that schoolyard, or that gridiron, or night shift at that chicken rendering plant, and let him get the tar whaled out of him so he won’t grow up soft.

But sometimes dad just can’t get his way. Sometimes the lady of the house doesn’t want her little fella to get into scrapes. That’s only natural, because of the gender roles Jesus Christ laid down. But while wives are supposed to be submissive to their husbands, some of these little fillies just can’t be broken. Me and the boys in Congress are fixing to do something about it, but that may come too late for our young men today.

And sometimes, dad just isn’t around, because he’s serving our country oversees, or because of a restraining order, or, in the case of our African-American friends, a lack of family values.

Boys caught in this situation can become sedentary, overweight, even bookish. They could go through their entire lives not knowing the thrill and joy of physical combat with other boys.