Embarrassed by your GOP nominee? Here’s your hall pass!
[SUPER: A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT BY CAM SLOUT.]
[The candidate, in a rust-colored sport coat, light blue shirt, dark red tie, and tan slacks, appearing in what looks like a personal library from the 1950s, addresses the camera directly.]
Hello, I’m State Assemblyman Cam Slout. Last week I was honored with the nomination of my party for Senator of this great state. At least, I was honored — until I learned how I actually obtained this nomination.
You have probably read, because it was in all the papers, that the Democrat Party ran ads during some Republican primary campaigns promoting the most conservative candidates. I recently learned that the Democrats ran such an ad for me, saying that I was a conservative and that I had been endorsed by President Donald Trump. And this ad, I have reason to believe, was the real reason that I won this nomination.
I have struggled long and hard with this realization, and what to do about it. Some good people in my party have suggested that there is no honorable alternative but that I resign the nomination and allow it to pass to the true people’s choice, Bert Freen, who was not endorsed by President Donald Trump, and who in fact voted to impeach him, and who is not nearly as conservative as me.
[Pause. The candidate smiles.]
Psych! If you think I’m backing out so that RINO loser traitor can take over, you must be high.
By the way, Freen has already endorsed me. What a cuck!
The Democrats didn’t just do me a favor, my fellow Republicans — they did us all a favor. Because now everyone is talking about how the Democrats are the only reason I won this nomination. They’re saying that you really wanted some other dude, a nice dainty RINO who never does anything weird, instead of someone like me, with whom you’d have to wonder whether you’ll open the paper one day and find out I was in Moscow during a national holiday or planting bombs during an attack on the Capitol.
But because the Democrats ran an ad, you were hypnotized into voting for gross ol’ MAGA me, Cam Slout, against your will.
People! Do you know what that means? It means it’s not your fault.
It means if you have friends and family who give you attitude for supporting President Trump and for voting for people who think he’s still President and that vaccines are poison and 10-year-olds should have babies — now you can say to them, “Dude, why you hasslin’ me, it’s not my fault — the Democrats made me do it!”
Think about it. You know if we heard about these ads this time, then there must be a bunch of other times Democrats got Republicans elected, too. That’s how the Deep State works!
And since is was all a trick, nothing those Republicans did is your fault either — even if you voted for them several times.
I know some of you have been having doubts about the Republican Party lately. Oh, you may have enjoyed it when patriots attacked the Deep State on January 6, or invaded Drag Queen Story Hours, or banned books or gerrymandered or supported Putin over that Soros puppet in Ukraine — but maybe sometimes, like after church or when the cable is out for a few hours, you start to feel like being a Republican is something you should feel guilty about instead of proud of.
Well, now a bunch of fancy columnists have told you the real truth — that you were being manipulated! Now you can enjoy all that rough stuff guilt-free —because the Democrats made us do it! It’s not our fault!
And I don’t have to take responsibility for my actions, either! I’m gonna go totally nuts in this campaign — maybe do a personal appearance with Alex Jones, or follow one of those kids whose schools got shot up and give them a hard time. And when I win this thing, boom, look out below!
Hell, I might kill some people. Here’s a promise, though: It’ll be people you want to see killed.
Or maybe it won’t be. Maybe it’ll just be someone who pisses me off.
I mean, why shouldn’t I? The Democrats created me! I’m like Frankenstein’s monster! And so are you! Folks, let me tell you, it’s so freeing to know that whatever you do you’re never gonna be blamed for it. Why, it must be like what President Trump feels every day!
Thank you, God bless you, and — aw, who am I kidding? Nothing is true, everything is permitted!
[A bikini model enters and hands the candidate a shot, which he pounds. Super: PAID FOR BY NUNYA BIZNESS.]
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