The narrative hunters

The committee would like a word

[The stage of a little auditorium in a decently-funded primary school. Kids are dressed up in homemade fairy-tale costumes for “Cinderella.” They’re about to do a run-through with their TEACHER, 29 years old, who is in street clothes and holds a prompt book.]

TEACHER: OK, guys, let’s try it another time. If you need your line just wave and I’ll tell you. OK? Now let’s go! And: [Reads] “Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl named Cinderella. She had two ugly stepsisters who were very cruel to her –”

VOICE: Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!

[A couple comes down the aisle: SHEA and AINSLEY WOLFER, both in their late 20s, dressed medium-nice but coiffed and shoed super-well; AINSLEY has a full beard it probably costs $100 a week to oil.]

SHEA: You’re Miss Dunn, right? You’re Miss Dunn.

TEACHER: [Blandly] I’m Aimee Dunn. Hi.

SHEA: And this is the Harding Elementary production of Cinderella you’re rehearsing here?

TEACHER: Can I help you?

SHEA: Miss Dunn, what subjects do you teach?

[AINSLEY is walking among the children.]

TEACHER: This is an elementary school, we all teach all the subjects. Can I ask —

SHEA: All the subjects! Do you perhaps teach them anything about American history? About the history of slavery and race?

TEACHER: [To AINSLEY] Excuse me, sir? Can I ask you not to walk through the children?

AINSLEY: [Hands up to indicate backing-off, steps to the side] Just examining the scenery you people are using here, Miss.

SHEA: You can say a lot with scenery. A lot that’s sociological. A lot that’s narrative.

TEACHER: [To SHEA] Do you have a student in this class, ma’am?

SHEA: Not in this class, no.

TEACHER: Do you have a student in this school?

SHEA: Oh, yes, well, we have a student, we have a lot of students —

TEACHER: What is the name of your child who is a student at Harding Elementary?

SHEA: — all of them are our students because all of them are Americans, and we have a right as parents —

TEACHER: [Moving defensively among her students, who are cowering] Excuse me, unless you have a student in —

SHEA: [Louder] I’ll ask the questions here! Why is this Cinderella black! Why is she black? Is there a narrative here about victimhood where the —

TEACHER: [Turns away, talks into phone] Security, situation in the auditorium.  

SHEA: [Slapping TEACHER’s arm] Don’t you turn away, you listen when I’m talking to you! Why is Cinderella black! What are you teaching!

TEACHER: [Still on the phone] They’re getting aggressive, hurry.

SHEA: Are you teaching them systemic racism! Are you teaching them to hate white people! What are you teaching with your Cinderella and your wicked stepsisters?

[SHEA points at a little boy.]

Is this Prince Charming? Or, or, or Prince Valiant or whoever the Prince is, huh? Is this little white boy the prince? He looks like a prince. Are you the prince, little boy? Hi.

[BOY hides behind the TEACHER.]

TEACHER: [Still on the phone] They’re going after the kids.

SHEA: [Shrieking] WE ARE NOT GOING AFTER THE CHILDREN WE ARE PROTECTING THE CHILDREN! [To the BOY, trying to see him around TEACHER] Are you the prince, little boy? I think you’re the prince, you look like one. [To the TEACHER, who is trying to shield the kids] This little boy is the prince, isn’t he. What are you trying to say, with this little boy as the prince. This little white boy, what are you trying to say? Huh? Let me see the script. Let me see. What is the narrative? What are you trying to say? Let me see the script.

[SHEA grabs at the script; TEACHER bats her hand with it.]

SHEA: [Shrieking] I WAS ATTACKED! I WAS ATTACKED AINSLEY GET A PICTURE!

[AINSLEY calmly takes a photo of the scene. Two SECURITY GUARDS jog in.]

GUARD 1: [To AINSLEY and SHEA] I’m sorry, folks, you’re going to have to leave.

[SHEA collapses to the ground. AINSLEY takes video.]

SHEA: I WAS ATTACKED! ATTACK ON THE PARENTS! I WAS ATTACKED! ATTACCCCKKED! [Sings loudly] O SAY CAN YOU SEE, BY THE DAWN’S EARLY LIGHT, WHAT SO PROUDLY –

[More SECURITY GUARDS and TEACHERS enter and drag SHEA, hustle AINSLEY out of the auditorium.]

AINSLEY: [Yelling over SHEA’s singing as he leaves] CANCEL CULTURE GONE MAD!