The new frontier

Hunting where the dorks are

[A small room lined with foam egg-carton soundproofing material and the floor strewn with cables. There’s a vertical locker in one corner with strips of packing tape on the front marked MICS ‘N’ SHIT. J.D. VANCE, wearing his usual suit, but with some pins on one of the lapels, is sitting at a desk facing a microphone; there’s a laptop, some headphones, and other outboard podcast gear on the desk as well. A door opens and VANCE’s former manager WILBUR “GIZMO” FLUTCHINS, wearing a plaid twill button-down, a sky-blue jacket, distressed jeans, and Hokas, enters and takes the chair opposite; he is also facing a mic.]

VANCE: Hey Gizmo, what are you doing here?

FLUTCHINS: [Seriously] We have to leave here right now. Let’s go.

VANCE: Why? Is the building on fire?

FLUTCHINS: No, the building’s not on fire but you will be if you do this podcast. Now let’s go.

VANCE: What? Are you kidding? Gizmo, this is the Reiko Bombass show. I was lucky to get on!

FLUTCHINS: [Squinting] What are those pins on your lapel?

VANCE: Some stuff a friend got me.

[VANCE pulls up the lapel to show the pins, points.]

Can you read this one? It says “James Earl Ray Gun Club.” It’s a cool band name!

FLUTCHINS: [Pointing at another pin] Is that an Othala Rune?

VANCE: [Nodding ruefully] Yeah. I know there’s controversy, but Reiko Bombass says it’s an ancient fertility symbol. We’re not talking enough about fertility in this campaign.

FLUTCHINS: Thank God they can’t see it on the podcast, except you’re not doing the podcast.

VANCE: Gizmo, listen. You always said I should take risks.

FLUTCHINS: This isn’t a risk, it’s a suicide mission.

VANCE: [Seriously] OK, now, now just listen, Gizmo, OK? OK? Just listen. Reiko Bombass averages over a million listeners an episode. An episode! People are listening to him in their cars, their homes, gyms, in supermarkets —

FLUTCHINS: J.D.! The show’s slogan is “Back in Your Place, Bitch”! He’s selling “Free Ted Bundy” shirts!

VANCE: [Pointing at FLUTCHINS] Hey! Hey! It’s not up to us to decide the right and wrong way to restore natural relations between the sexes! For me it’s the Catholic Church and the Gospel of Paul, for others it’s, it’s something a little racier. But we have to meet our voters where they are, because let’s face it, Gizmo, women in this country are a lost cause. Even the ones you think are with you — you know Reiko Bombass tells me, most of those tradwife videos? The women get to keep the money! No, I’m through making nice. The way we’re going to win this election is, we’re gonna blackpill every man within the sound of our voice and ride into the White House on a sea of testosterone!

FLUTCHINS: [Stunned] Unbelievable. You’re not the J.D. I knew!

[The locker door bangs open and out of it steps REIKO BOMBASS – bald with a black goatee, wearing a sleek blue suit jacket, grey T-shirt, black jeans and black Thursday Commander boots.]

BOMBASS: That’s right, Flutchins, he’s not the J.D. you knew. He’s an alpha lord, and he’s done with cucks like you. [Calls] Uros!

[The door to the studio opens and a tall, glowering SKINHEAD walks in.]

I want to thank you, though, Flutchins, for playing the part so well. Thanks to this live podcast, now everyone knows where J.D. Vance stands!

FLUTCHINS: Live! But –

[The SKINHEAD catches FLUTCHINS in a headlock and drags him out of the studio. BOMBASS takes his seat and puts on some headphones.]

VANCE: [Calling] Nothing personal, Gizmo. See you back in C-bus!

BOMBASS: Remember, J.D. — [makes a span with his fingers, touches thumb to lower lip and pinky to mic] — one full span apart.

VANCE: Ah, ah, gotcha.

BOMBASS: [Leaning into his mic] Now, J.D., here’s something our audience really wants to know: What do you think about girls who have just reached womanhood? Because I know what I think, ha ha.

VANCE: Ha ha, I think you and I are of the same mind, there, Reiko. It is so important to get to these women while they’re young!

[CURTAIN.]