The party left me

The next high-profile defection

[Republican National Convention, summer 2020. Crowd is restless. Images of Trump looking buff and heroic flicker on the backstage wall, drawing cheers and sporadic gunfire; these alternate with images of Hillary Clinton, Alexander Vindman, Adam Schiff, et alia hanging from nooses, which excites ugly snarling/laughing noises and sporadic gunfire. Eventually TULSI GABBARD, wearing a grey and powder blue skirt suit suggestive of a military uniform, strides to the podium amid cheers and cries of “TULSI!” “FOUR MORE YEARS!” And “TAKE IT OFF!” ]

GABBARD: Good evening! My name is Tulsi Gabbard, and I’m — [salutes] reporting for duty.

[Screams, gunfire.]

You know, earlier this year, I thought there was hope for the party I was raised in, the Democratic Party.

[Booing, gunfire.]

That’s why I ran to be their presidential nominee. I thought that Democrats might like a candidate who could talk to the forgotten Americans — the ones who are tired of endless wars, deficit spending, corruption, and moral failure.

[Confused silence.]

And voters responded to my message. All over the country people said yes to our movement. But the big shots of the Democrat Party didn't like that and they moved heaven and earth to stop me, with all kinds of rules and regulations about polls and voting percentages.

[Low booing, whistles, cries of “SHOW US YOUR TITS!”]

And so they stopped my truth-telling insurgent campaign — and, just like they did last time, they fixed the nomination for their anointed candidate: Bernie Sanders.

[Screams, booing, gunfire, vuvuzelas.]

I have to tell you folks, Bernie Sanders had me fooled. I know he fooled a lot of you, too, with all his talk of a political revolution. But as soon as he made that corrupt bargain with Tom Perez and George Soros to get the Democrat nomination, he changed. He stopped talking about making a difference and standing up for the working man, and started talking about forced Medicare, another government program like Obamacare, taking away our freedom as Americans to rub some dirt on it and walk it off!

[Screams, booing.]

And like any other corrupt swamp Democrat, he started in with the giveaways — free opioids for illegal immigrants, free bail for rapists and murderers, free broadband for perverts to access internet porn, and free college for poindexters!

[Louder booing, cries of “PORN!” And “SHOW US YOUR TITS!”]

And worst of all, he promised to cut off funding to my beloved military, which I proudly served killing terrorists in Iraq!

[A great bestial wail.]

Unlike you and me, Bernie Sanders refuses to accept that Donald Trump was well within his rights to fire Alexander Vindman and his brother, and to get them and their families deported, and to fire and deport anyone else who gets in the way of making America great.

[Shrieks, roars, gunfire.]

I was wrong about Bernie Sanders, but I’m not wrong about this President. He’s everything that Bernie Sanders is not. Like you and me, he loves the military and America and Ford trucks and Chevy trucks and spaceships and sports. And like you and me, he won’t rest until Hillary Clinton gets what she’s been asking for — the death penalty for defamation and treason!

[Rising cheers and screams, culminating in cries of "KILL THE BITCH!" and jets of stage blood.]

Thank you, mahalo and aloha!

[GABBARD waves and smiles as the air fills with M-80 explosions and cries of “FOUR MORE YEARS!” “METALLICA!” and “SHOW US YOUR TITS!”]