The People Next Door

At last the story can be told!

[The big sorta-neo-colonial house of Associate Supreme Court Justice SAMUEL ALITO and his wife MARTHA-ANN, who is leaning out one of the windows, addressing an unseen person, apparently in a nearby house.]

MARTHA-ANN: What was that? What did you say to me?

WOMAN’S VOICE: I said eat shit, Alitos! Joe Biden’s gonna send you to Leavenworth!

MARTHA-ANN: We’ll see about that, bitch!

[MARTHA-ANN disappears from the window; presently we see her come into the front yard carrying a 20-foot pole with an upside-down U.S. flag on it. She holds the flag end, points the base, and like a pole-vaulter runs several steps, tilts down the base so it sticks into the ground, and hangs on and rides as the pole bends, then straightens and stands upright. MARTHA-ANN shimmies down the pole, cackling. She shakes her fist at the WOMAN.]

How do you like that, you stupid whore!

WOMAN’S VOICE: Eat shit!

[MARTHA-ANN cocks a snook at her and marches into the house.]

ANOTHER WOMAN’S VOICE: Hey greaseballs, we’re taking pictures of this shit, you know!  

[MARTHA-ANN appears in the window again.]

MARTHA-ANN: Listen, your boy Biden ain’t shit! January Six was just a dress rehearsal!

[MARTHA-ANN enumerates on her fingers.]

We’re gonna ban abortion, we’re gonna ban birth control, we’re gonna ban interracial everything, and there’s not a goddamn thing your weak-ass senile president can do about it so kiss my ass!

VOICE OF SAMUEL ALITO: Martha! Jesus Christ, what’s going on out there!

MARTHA-ANN: I got it under control, Sam.

[SAMUEL ALITO pokes his head out the window, sees the flag, gasps.]

SAMUEL: Marone! Have you gone crazy! We gotta take it down!

MARTHA-ANN: Nothin’ doin’, Sam! I want these bitches to know they fucked with the wrong Bomgardner!

SAMUEL: D’oh!

[He disappears, turns up on the lawn, tries to shimmy up the pole.]

Call Manuel! Tell him to bring a ladder!

MARTHA-ANN: The flag stays, Sam.

[MARTHA-ANN produces a shotgun.]

You so much as touch that thing, you’ll get an ass full of rock salt like those goddamn trick or treaters!

[SAMUEL runs to the edge of his property, stage whispers:]

SAMUEL: Neighbors! Pssst! Listen! Just ignore her, you know how she gets!

THIRD WOMAN’S VOICE, OFF: What’s it worth to ya, paisan?

SAMUEL: I’ll buy you all new grills this summer! Blaze Premiums!

SECOND WOMAN’S VOICE, OFF: We’ll think about it!

SAMUEL: Thank you!

[He starts to go back.]

THIRD WOMAN’S VOICE, OFF: Hey Sam, c’mere.

[SAMUEL goes back to the property line; a pailful of water is hurled into his face. The offstage women laugh raucously.]

SAMUEL: [Sputtering] Goddamnit!

FIRST WOMAN’S VOICE, OFF: Don’t worry, Sam, it’s just a little pasta water!

[The offstage women laugh even more.]

SAMUEL: [Enraged] Martha was right about you! And she’s right about Biden, too! We’re gonna fuck him up good, and we’re gonna fuck you up, too! We’re gonna turn this whole country into a goddamn convent school, we’ll make you bitches wear chastity belts!

FIRST WOMAN’S VOICE, OFF: A little louder, Sam, my iPhone’s not picking it up on the video.

[SAMUEL runs into the house. Scene 2: Outside another neo-colonial in the neighborhood – only a corner of the house is visible. Tip-toeing unsteadily and shushing each other are SAMUEL and his fellow Associate Justice CLARENCE THOMAS, wearing tuxedos; MARTHA-ANN, wearing an Olivia von Halle Missy Paris navy cashmere tracksuit, a string of pearls, and white tennies; and GINNI THOMAS, wearing her favorite strapless flounce gown and barefoot. She totes and swills from a bottle of 2013 Dom Perignon; CLARENCE and SAMUEL carry an aluminum ladder.]

SAMUEL: [stage whispering] I still think this is a bad idea.

CLARENCE: C’mon, Sam, live a little.

SAMUEL: I’m having a hell of a time stalling the New York Times as it is!

CLARENCE: How many times do I have to tell you? We’re like gods. They can’t touch us.

GINNI: Now you boys just put that l’il ol’ ladder right up against that bitch’s house, I’m gonna stick my fat white ass in her bedroom window! And tell ‘er January Six was an inside job! Which I did!

[CLARENCE and SAMUEL hoist the ladder; GINNI takes a generous swig, drops the bottle, and climbs up the ladder as the others giggle. But before she can reach the top a woman’s foot comes out the window and sends the ladder toppling backwards; when GINNI hits the lawn she cartwheels and winds up propped against a birdbath with her dress over her head. The others freeze — and are immediately bathed in spotlights and surrounded by PRIVATE UNIFORMED SECURITY GUARDS, tasers at the ready. Pause.]

 THOMAS: It’s disgusting what people will do to impugn the integrity of this Court!

Music.