The Received Opinion Christmas Show

Santa sends one down the chimney

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[All life’s horrors condensed into a five-second “musical” sting. Behind UPRIGHT, the screen shows a grinning DONALD TRUMP against a snowy backdrop with the Star of Bethlehem glowing overhead; he is wearing a drum on a drumbelt and beating on it with fasces as winged cherubim wearing MAGA hats bounce around him. Caption: PA-TRUMP-PUM-PUM-PUM!]

While some liberals call it the holiday season, in Donald Trump’s world it’s Merry Christmas and there are plenty of presents under his tree! First, his 46.5% approval rating — which, like his margin of victory in November, isn’t a majority but it’s higher than he usually gets and that has all the newspaper publishers and other media players paying tribute — in the case of our colleagues at ABC News, in the original sense of the word!

[CUT TO: Clips with sound muted of Sunday show interviews with Senator John Fetterman and Joe Manchin.]

And on other news shows, Trump is getting big props from Democrats like John Fetterman and Joe Manchin. Correction: Fetterman is not a Democrat, he actually left the party to become an independent — I’m sorry, my mistake, I mean, Joe Manchin has left the party, not Fetterman — at least not yet, ha ha!

OFFSCREEN VOICE: Better watch it, Bolt, or Trump’ll sue!

[Distant chortles. UPRIGHT soundlessly laughs, pantomimes terror.]

Speaking of the media — and when aren’t we? — the President-elect’s favorability extends to many undocumented immigrants who approve of his plan to deport undocumented immigrants. Now if you’re saying, Bolt, doesn’t that mean they’re approving of their own potential deportation? You raise an interesting point.

[A short, apparently Central American man wearing overalls, crocs, an Amazon t-shirt, and a MAGA hat walks over to UPRIGHT.]

To answer that question, we have with us today Santos Zambrano —

[UPRIGHT pats his shoulder.]

— who’ll explain to us why, despite his legal status, he’s glad Trump is becoming President again. We’re not giving Señor Zambrano a seat because he may have to leave unexpectedly as La Migra is looking for him. Señor Zambrano, iluminanos, por favor.

ZAMBRANOS: Trump I like. ¡Muy macho!

[ZAMBRANOS does Trump’s jerking-off-two-horses dance, laughs.]

De Hairs, she no goo. She lady. No can run de country.

UPRIGHT: But, Señor Zambrano, President Trump may throw you out of the country. Expulsarte. ¿No?

ZAMBRANOS: [Shrugs] Biden he try, long time. But no can do. De mens, dey like me, I work hard. I —

[ZAMBRANOS stops shorts, looks around, leaves hurriedly. In the background dark figures race after him, blowing whistles and crying “¡Para, para!”]

UPRIGHT: Thank you, Señor Zambrano. And that leaves plenty of time to talk to our experts at the Decision Desk.

[Eardrum-soiling bleat as UPRIGHT strolls to greet the Decision Desk panelists: PEONI DOYENNE, wearing a pink Akris pintuck silk coat dress and latte Jimmy Choo Nappa leather pumps; CHAFE DRAMATURGY, wearing a bespoke three-piece Cairngorm Autumn tweed plaid suit and Hush Puppies; and a man who is very clearly former Trump advisor/Nazi STEPHEN MILLER wearing a blond wig in the style of Captain Kangaroo and a not-quite-matching beard, as well as his customary quasi-uniform. DOYENNE and DRAMATURGY, but not MILLER, are wearing Santa hats.]

I guess I should just say “Is there nothing that can stop Donald Trump” and see what happens.

DRAMATURGY: Bolt, I can’t believe you didn’t mention the budget fiasco in the House last week. That was a pretty big slap in the face for Trump! Plus Democrats got everybody saying “President Musk Vice-President Trump” which I bet really ticked him off!

DOYENNE: Oh, come on, Chafe, can’t you see this is another stroke of genius by Trump — who, by the way, I do not care for.

[She looks expectantly at UPRIGHT. Small pause.]

UPRIGHT: Oh, sorry, Peoni — yes, of course not.

DOYENNE: But look, Trump’s approval is underwater, but Musk’s approval rating is, what, around eighty, ninety percent?

UPRIGHT: Actually their approval rating as about the same.

DOYENNE: I mean his approval rating among people who matter — billionaires, police officers, people who like to dress up as police offices, and billionaires! Chafe, I suppose you support that Luigi Mozzarella or whatever his name is.

DRAMATURGY: How can you say that, Peoni! I’ve done nine, maybe ten posts on X saying he should get the death penalty. And most of those were before he was even charged!

UPRIGHT: Tempers flare! But I think we should give the floor to our new guest, Mr. John Christian, who I believe is with the Heritage Foundation. Your thoughts, John?

“CHRISTIAN”/MILLER: [Explosively] How dare you! You liberal media schweinhunden dare sully the name of the great leader Donald Trump! [To DOYENNE] Bad enough these two, but you, Frau Doyenne: [imitating her] “who I do not support” – Hundetochter! You think you will be spared because you worked for Ronald Reagan? Reagan was a pimple on the ass of Leader Trump! And furthermore —

[Suddenly BUFF TOEHOLD, wearing what looks like a hospital gown, charges up behind MILLER and snatches his wig. Gasps, shouts. MILLER stands, turns; TOEHOLD snatches off his beard as well.]

TOEHOLD: Nice try, ya Jew bastard!

[TOEHOLD and MILLER strangle each other and fall to the floor; DOYENNE and DRAMATURGY flee. Security guards charge and pounce. UPRIGHT steps downstage.]

UPRIGHT: Always a lively debate at Received Opinion, except when it comes to Luigi Mangione, who should get the death penalty. Oh, and Gaza, which is not genocide. [Looks offscreen] That’s it, right? [To the camera] When we come back, is Senator John Fetterman correct that Kash Patel will not come after Trump’s personal enemies when he’s appointed FBI director? To talk about that we’ll have Patel’s proposed deputy directors, Joey “Bonecrusher” Sweig and Louie “Ratcatcher” DeBrienza.

[Grinding noise emulating a melody. The camera starts to rise, then tilts suddenly backwards; the studio lights flare, and after a few seconds the screen goes black.]