This Year’s Girl

Everybody’s tryin’ to be my baby

© 2022 Gage Skidmore, used under a Creative Commons license

[Kari] Lake — a former news anchor who lost her bid for Arizona governor and, like Trump, claimed that the election was rigged against her — spent a significant portion of her time at Mar-a-Lago during its open season, the source tells PEOPLE. (In the summer months, the property generally clears out and even Trump heads to his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey.)

“Kari Lake is there every night ... She’s there all the time,” the source tells PEOPLE. “There’s a suite there that she practically lives in.” – People magazine

[A private dining room at Mar-a-Lago. It is every bit as monstrous as you would imagine: Modeled loosely on Nick Arnstein’s private dining room at The Majestic in Funny Girl, but with all the class removed. Overstuffed leather replaces the tufted velvet upholstery on the furniture (the chaise lounge looks rather like an oversized pool float); the wallpaper is marbled rather than flocked; the dining table is piled with KFC; and the candles and chandelier are electric. Also the room is four times as big as in Funny Girl and has a giant, flattering portrait of Trump in tennis whites over the fake fireplace. Sitting in two BarcaLoungers facing one another are DONALD TRUMP, wearing his customary gilt-trimmed white robe with, underneath, an open tuxedo shirt and lavender pajama bottoms dotted with tiny Porky Pig heads, and brown slippers made to look like brogans; and KARI LAKE, in the tight red slip dress with red heels we saw her wearing in “Fresh Out of Friends,” but with the addition of a fall that makes her look as if she has luxuriant dark brown hair falling to her shoulders, and a kicky Rhoda Morgenstern head scarf.]

TRUMP: So, you did something with your hair? Because it looks terrific.

LAKE: Thank you, Mr. President! Yes, I grew it out. I’m glad you like it.

TRUMP: I’ll say. You look like a million.

[TRUMP points at the table.]

Sweetheart, could you bring me one of those drumsticks? I got a yen.

LAKE: Oh, sir, that’ll just make you sleepy.

TRUMP: No, it revs me up, actually. I don’t know what it is, something in the spices does it, maybe MSG. Remember when they banned MSG? Such a disgrace. That’s one of the things we’re gonna bring back.

LAKE: Absolutely, sir! MSG and you know what else? Fireworks.

TRUMP: Huh.

LAKE: Would you believe, even in Arizona — at least in the Democrat cities — you can’t set off fireworks. At least not the big, loud fireworks Americans love so much. Can you believe that?

TRUMP: They were always illegal in New York, you know, which was good because you could make a killing selling ‘em black market. My old man did.

LAKE: Of course, sir, but see, we can still hit the Democrats with it. That way, when it stays illegal, we can still make a killing selling black market fireworks and we can also blame the Democrats for infringing on our rights!

TRUMP: You got a head for politics, you know that?

LAKE: That’s not all I have a head for.

TRUMP: Whattaya mean?

LAKE: I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at me.

TRUMP: I got floaters actually.

LAKE: I know what it means when a man looks at me like that.

TRUMP: You look good with that hair.

LAKE: I did it for you, Mr. President. You know I would do anything to make you happy.

[LAKE gets up and walks toward him.]

TRUMP: Oop, here we go.

LAKE: And I know how to make you happy.

[Suddenly LAKE pulls the dress over her head and of course is naked underneath.]

You know you can have anything you want from me, anything at all.

[LAKE gets on her knees and fishes under TRUMP’s robe and the waistband of his pajama bottoms.]

You don’t have to say a word, Mr. President. You can even look at your phone.

[LAKE gets her head down into TRUMP’s lap and works. TRUMP lets his head roll back, puts his hands in LAKE’s hair.]

TRUMP: Oooh… sweetheart, you know, you gotta get some better conditioner… I know a guy… ungh… hey… say you wanna be vice president.

LAKE: I wa’ be vi’ pre’ident.

TRUMP: Say it again.

LAKE: I wa’ be vi’ pre’ident. I wa’ be vi’ pre’ident.

[Suddenly a door bangs open. TULSI GABBARD, wearing what looks like a stripper version of an Israeli army officer’s olive drab uniform — skin-tight, with a mini-skirt instead of trousers and very shiny black boots — marches up to TRUMP and LAKE.]

GABBARD: Get off him, whore!

[GABBARD grabs LAKE’s hair and yanks; it tears away. LAKE nonetheless falls to the floor. TRUMP gapes like a beached fish. LAKE grabs her dress and flees. GABBARD flings away the fall, grabs the shoulders of TRUMP’s robe and lifts him out of his chair.]

Mr. President, listen to me! You are the leader of a proud nation! Millions will fight for you if you say the word! But first we must end this charade!

[GABBARD slaps TRUMP’s face. His head lolls like he’s been punched. With one hand GABBARD grabs his chin to make him face her.]

Listen to me! That whore wanted only power. I come to serve a great cause — the end of homosexual domination! I know together you and I can end it!

[GABBARD’s expression becomes soft and quizzical.]

How can I show you my loyalty, sir? Is it this? Is this what you need?

[Still holding him up by his robe with one hand, GABBARD reaches down into TRUMP’s pants and begins to stroke. TRUMP gurgles and moans.]

That’s right, sir. Let me unleash your masculine power!

[Suddenly six secret service agents — or downmarket versions thereof, as seen in “Backup Plan” — burst in and go for GABBARD, but she shoves TRUMP back into his chair and begins kicking their asses with mixed martial arts; three of them flee and the rest have their hands full. TRUMP meanwhile has crawled to the table and is on his iPhone.]

TRUMP: Yeah, listen, I changed my mind. Definitely I want one of the colored… For vice-president, what else?.. No! Not her, no chicks! It can be anybody but no chicks! It can be Pence… [Quietly] What, he said that? What a pussy. OK, set up a meeting.

[TRUMP puts the phone away and grabs a drumstick off the table as GABBARD keeps beating up the agents; sirens rise in the background. CURTAIN.]