Too Cuck Chuck

A little exercise in listening skills

© 2020 Senate Democrats, used under a Creative Commons license

[The study of SENATOR CHUCK SCHUMER’s Park Slope apartment. Bookcases, oak, oriental rugs, dozens of framed grip-and-grin celebrity photos. SCHUMER, in grey jogging pants, black Hokas, and a Harvard Law T-shirt, sits behind a nice desk and sips coffee from a mug; in front of the desk, seated on what looks like a kitchen chair, is DORI, an aide, wearing this pantsuit and black pumps.]

DORI: OK, let’s try it another way. Let’s say I’m, like, an AOC type of young Democrat, right? And I’ve come to your meeting and I’m really angry about the cloture vote.

SCHUMER: She’s a real spitfire, that one. I’m always telling her, take it easy! It all comes out in the wash.

DORI: Senator —

SCHUMER: I don’t think she listens.

DORI: Senator, just any young Democrat. Like let’s say you’re at a Barnes & Noble signing the book and one of them comes up to you like this —

[DORI stands up, slams her hands down on the desk.]

Hey, Chuck Schumer! I’m pissed because you sold us out!

SCHUMER: [Looking around] Security!

DORI: OK, that’s one way to deal with it —

SCHUMER: Joking, joking! I would never do that, though I gotta say you were pretty scary there, Dori. For a second I thought I was in real trouble.

DORI: You’re not gonna charm your way out of this one, Chuck.

[DORI slams her hands back down.]

Now! I’m a Brooklyn barista with a Ph.D and I’m in the DSA and I’m carrying a really beat up Chrome messenger bag over a brand new racer jacket and I smell like woodbine and laundry detergent.

SCHUMER: Wow.

DORI: Anyway I usually vote Democrat but now I don’t think I ever will again because you pissed me off! Change my mind!

SCHUMER: You’re a barista? Where do you work? Around here?

DORI: Nerd Be Cool.

SCHUMER: On Flatbush?

DORI: Yeah.

SCHUMER: I love you guys! You have these little donuts –

DORI: [Slams desk] Hey! Chuck Schumer! Why should I vote for you! You sold me out!

SCHUMER: Alright. Don’t ruin my desk. What’s your name?

DORI: Matt.

SCHUMER: Matt, have a seat, let’s talk about it.

DORI: OK. [She sits]

SCHUMER: Listen, Matt, I understand your anger. That CR, absolutely horrible, disgusting. But Matt, let me ask you, can you imagine how much worse it would be if the Republicans could just shut everything down willy-nilly?

DORI: Seems to me that’s exactly what they’re doing!

SCHUMER: [Bemusedly] Boy, you really sound hot about this — Matt, you said your name was?

DORI: That’s right and you bet I am, Chuck.

SCHUMER: Well, believe me, Matt, it would be so much worse. Because now we have laws that can stop this mayhem they’re doing. If we had a shutdown they could close the courts.

DORI: What good are the courts if the Republicans just ignore their rulings? Because that’s what they’re doing, Chuck!

SCHUMER: See, Matt, that’s why I keep telling AOC — and you remind me a lot of her, you know, that energy you both have — let the process work. All these cases, they don’t just stop when the president says no. There are re-hearings, evidentiary motions, contempt citations, it takes time, you’ve got to let the process work.

DORI: Process! The process is destroying the Social Security Administration! The process us deporting people who haven’t done anything illegal! The process let a bunch of assholes gather a bunch of cops to break into the Department of Peace which isn’t even an executive branch entity and throw everyone out and start ripping the place up! There’s not even the slightest hint things are getting better! As far as I can see the process is only going in one direction and that’s straight to hell and nobody with any power is doing shit to stop it! And if you don’t try then what the fuck will!

[DORI stands up, steps back, puts her hands on her hips. She’s a little winded. Pause.]

SCHUMER: So. This Matt, is he based on someone you know, because you were very specific —

DORI: Yeah, there’s a Matt. And other guys like Matt. A lot of guys like that.

[SCHUMER checks his watch.]

SCHUMER: OK look, this has been very helpful, but I got a call. So. Good work. You can call it a day, we’ll talk in the morning, OK?

[SCHUMER starts shifting papers, sees that DORI is just standing there looking at him, stops.]

OK?

DORI: OK.

[DORI heads to the door, suddenly spins in the doorway, raises her hand, then just as suddenly spins back and heads out. A few seconds later she returns and stands in the doorway. SCHUMER looks up.]

DORI: Work on your answer, Chuck.

[She turns and leaves.]