Try, try again

Who says there are no second acts in American politics?

[Animated super: Credits over a view of the U.S. Capitol: “Defend America First Television/ National Laser”]

V/O: Welcome to Defend America First Television and the National Laser, where the focus is on freedom. From Washington D.C., your host, Biff Waller and his sidekick Pudge.

[Dissolve and pan to newsroom, with a big screen for graphics, where BIFF WALLER, a beefy white man in a very dark blue suit, light blue shirt, and ketchup-red tie sitting at a newsdesk, while PUDGE, an oversized, squinty-faced white man dressed in old-school b-boy clothes including sideways MAGA hat, leather vest, and short-sleeved t-shirt revealing many tattoos, reclines nearby in a tattered barcalounger.]

WALLER: Good morning, patriots. I’m Biff Waller, this [gestures] is Pudge, now let’s get to it.

PUDGE: Yeah let’s do this homes!

[Screen super: “California Turnaround” with illo of a traffic sign showing an arrow curving from left to right.]

There’s talk of another recall in California. Larry Elder, who just six months ago almost won the governorship in a fight-to-the-finish recall election if you don’t count the fraud, says the California Republican Party will soon have enough signatures for a second recall against embattled Democratic governor Gavin Newsom.

PUDGE: That Newsom, man, hell with him, he sucks. [Holds his nose with one hand, makes thumbs-down with the other.]

WALLER: But this time California Republicans have a plan that could finish off Newsom for good. Here to talk about it is a new Republican hopeful who I think you’ll find looks familiar — [winking broadly] local businessman Pat Riot.

[PAT RIOT, who is actually LARRY ELDER wearing dark glasses, a curly wig, and a porn ‘stache, appears on split screen, with the chyron “PAT RIOT/Citizen Businessman Entrepreneur”.]

WALLER: Mr. Riot, good to have you with us.

RIOT: [stiffly, in a deep voice] Thank you, Biff. Good to be here, good to be here.

WALLER: Mr. Riot, I understand you’re a local businessman. May I ask what your business is, and what’s your locality?

RIOT: Certainly, Biff, I’m an entrepreneur in the venture capital and investment business, the kind of hard-nosed businessman who makes this economy go, and I am at this moment standing up a big factory that will bring 30,000 jobs to the greater San Diego area, which is where I’m from.

WALLER: Thirty thousand jobs! Sounds like you really do have a head for business. And you say you’re from San Diego.

RIOT: That’s right, Biff, and I want to say what a disgraceful mayor Kevin Faulconer was there, no better than the gay Democrat they have now, and speaking of gay, Caitlyn Jenner is no better that he is, and the way those two treated Larry Elder in the last recall was a disgrace.

WALLER: I see. Mr. Riot, a lot of people are asking, why a second recall election? Especially since the next governor’s election is only eight months away.

RIOT: Well, Biff, we almost made it last September, it was closer than the liberal papers and TV stations and Board of Elections would have you believe, and if the liberal Democrats hadn’t done so much fraud you would have seen how close, but you take my word for it, and I want to say Larry Elder was a real gentleman to take it like a man and not let it make him bitter.

WALLER: Mr. Riot, you seem to think quite a lot of Larry Elder. Would you like to see him in the race?

RIOT: Oh, absolutely not, Biff! You know people said, a lot of conservative magazines like National Review said, that if we put the focus on the disgusting tyrant Gavin Newsom, instead on personalities like Larry Elder, who became a lightning rod, even the liberal Democrat fraud couldn’t have saved Gavin Newsom. But the Democrat media made a lightning rod out of Larry Elder. So I think this time I think you’ll see a lot of ordinary citizens like myself on the ballot, so that people won’t get hung up on personalities like Larry Elder, and I also think Kevin Faulconer and Caitlyn Jenner should stay out of it and let the people decide.

WALLER: OK, Mr. Riot, and besides your business experience, which reminds many people of Donald Trump —

PUDGE: [Through a mouthful of the hoagie he’s been eating] TRUMP GO TRUMP!

WALLER: — what else do you think the next governor, whoever he is, should bring to the job?

RIOT: Well, Biff, as you can see I am a black conservative, which drives the liberals crazy —

PUDGE: [Still through a mouthful of hoagie] YOU THE MAN! [Chokes, coughs]

RIOT: — but I want to be a governor of all the people, doesn’t matter who you are, a middle manager or a golf course owner or just living off your investments, I want to be your governor and bring thousands of jobs to California as I already have. And get the immigrants and needles and feces off the streets of our cities.

WALLER: All right, Mr. Riot, I think I speak for the viewers when I say we think your plan [taps the side of his nose, winks] sounds like a winner and we look forward to seeing you on the campaign trail.

[Split screen wipes away — on rear screen, the well-known video of the dreadlocked anti-vaxxer Matt Baker raging at a town meeting silently plays]

Pat Riot isn’t the only ordinary person who want to run against Gavin Newsom. When we come back, vaccine freedom advocate Matt Baker, also from San Diego, will share his views. Have your earplugs handy — this could get loud!