Veep Shakes

The hunt goes on

© 2016 Gage Skidmore used under a Creative Commons license

[The Oval Office. Vice President MIKE PENCE, dressed in a dull grey suit, is sitting on the edge of a sofa with his right leg straight out. He rubs his thigh, winces. He also seems to have a bump on his forehead. Eventually TRUMP comes in — wearing his CoC hat, medals, and epaulets as has become his habit — and heads to the Resolute Desk.]

TRUMP: Hey Mike.


[TRUMP takes a seat.]

I don’t know if you know how I got here.

TRUMP: Had the boys pick you up.

PENCE: [Standing, with some effort] I was picked up, yes sir. But the manner in which I was handled may come as a surprise to you.

TRUMP: You’re here, that’s the main thing.

[PENCE approaches TRUMP with a slight limp.]

PENCE: Some men came to the house where I was staying and they grabbed me. They grabbed me and dragged me to a van and threw me in the back. I hit my head as I fell. [Rubs head, looks at hand] I was bleeding for a while. Also they injured my leg and frightened my friends, one of whom is a pastor.

TRUMP: You want to pull up a chair? Can’t be too good standing on that leg.

PENCE: Did you tell them to do this to me, sir?

TRUMP: I told them to bring you. How they do it is their business. They’re some of those army-type people Barr uses for protests — prison guards, garbagemen, I don’t know what. Talk to him about it.

PENCE: I must protest this treatment, sir. You knew if you wanted me you only had to —

TRUMP: Mike. Mike. We got business. You want to pull up a chair?

[PENCE sighs, gets a straight-back chair from against the wall, drags it over, sits.]

Okay, so we’re taking care of this election thing.

PENCE: The Georgia election, yes. I was on my way there.

TRUMP: That’s gonna work out, I got people on it. No, I mean for president. We’re finding all this fraud all over the place and we’re gonna expose it and take the second term.

PENCE: I have no doubt, sir.

TRUMP: But it’s gonna be close. Some of these people on the inside are gonna need convincing.

PENCE: I’m sure the evidence will bear out our claims, sir.

TRUMP: I can never tell if you’re kidding.

PENCE: I’m not kidding, sir. I know the evidence is with us.

TRUMP: The evidence is where you find it, and like I said, some people need convincing, so long story short, I’m gonna have to let you go.


PENCE: Go, sir? Go where?

TRUMP: [Shrugs] Anywhere you like. But you can’t be Vice-President.

PENCE: Sir, the vice-presidency is an elective office. I was on the ballot with you. If you won, I won.

TRUMP: Right. But then I fire you and you leave.

PENCE: I can’t be fired, sir. You can’t fire me any more than you can fire a Senator or a —

TRUMP: [Belligerent] Yeah, who says I can’t? What’s it say on the paper? Donald Trump President, Mike Pence VICE President. So who’s in charge, me or you?

PENCE: You, of course, but —

TRUMP: [Yelling] But nothing! Butt wipe! What I say goes! I got a couple states riding on me shaking off the dead weight. [Quieter] It’s not even so much they don’t like you, just they want someone younger and exciting. Someone gets their rocks off.

PENCE: [Stands up, trying to be assertive] Sir, may I — oww — may I remind you that I represent the evangelical community in America. They love me. Look at the polls. I’m leading in 2024 and it’s all because of them. And sir, they are the most loyal followers you’ve got. Maybe the only loyal followers you’ve got. Now, sir, how do you imagine they will feel when they find out you fired their leader?

[TRUMP stands.]

TRUMP: Leader? Leader? There’s only one leader here and that’s me. They follow me. I could blow your brains out on national TV and they’d go “Praise Jesus” and “Hallelujah” or some of that other shit you freaks yell when you get hot. Understand? If I blew your brains out! You wanna test it out? We’ll get the cameras in here.


Anyway, say hi to your replacement. [Calls] OK, Madison!

[MADISON CAWTHORN, newly-elected Republican Congressman/neo-Nazi psycho, enters by wheelchair, all smiles. He wears a blue gingham shirt and chinos and a cross on a chain.]

There he is. [To PENCE] You see? People love this kid. He’s young, crippled, got energy. He’s the whole package and he’s gonna be a great Vice President, ain’t that right, kid?

CAWTHORN: [Looking dead at PENCE] Absolutely, Mr. President. You know it.

TRUMP: [To CAWTHORN, gesturing toward PENCE] Here’s the guy you’re gonna replace. He’s not too happy about it. Says the holy-rollers won’t be happy either.

CAWTHORN: [To PENCE] Is that so? Hey, old man, I got your ‘people of faith’ eating my shit up! I’ma have those rubes singing Deutschland über alles by the inauguration!

PENCE: How dare you, sir!

CAWTHORN: How dare I? How dare I what, old man?

[CAWTHORN gets out of the wheelchair and starts slapping PENCE around.]

How dare I what? Huh? C’mon, say it to my face! I’ll bust your weak ass, you old faggot! Come on.

[PENCE hobbles back, then runs out of the room.]

TRUMP: How about that. That’s the old moxie. Better get back in the chair, kid, people might come in.

CAWTHORN: [Getting back in the wheelchair] Way ahead of you, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Sharp kid! So this crip thing, it works with the ladies?

CAWTHORN: I get more pussy than a litter box, Mr. President.

TRUMP: How about that.

[TRUMP takes out his phone.]

Stick around, kid. Next I’m gonna fire one of my sons.