Vice President JD Vance and Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. will speak for the second year in a row Tuesday at an event organized by Kennedy’s Make America Healthy Again allies in Washington.
Vance and Kennedy will close the all-day event with a “fireside chat,” according to the agenda... — Politico, “Vance, RFK Jr. and ‘Iron’ Mike to headline MAHA Summit”
[Applause, cries of “CHEMTRAILS,” “EAT LARD,” and “KILL FAUCI” as ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR. and JD VANCE take the stage and sit in one of those little interview spaces. VANCE wears his usual Junior Trump suits; KENNEDY wears the wizard costume from previous episodes, replete with Gandalf hat.]
VANCE: Let me first say, Mr. Secretary, that I am a very, very big fan of the MAHA movement, and I have been eating that America-healthy food for weeks. Which is kinda tough, because my wife is, you know, she’s of Indian extraction — I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s white, but she cooks that food they have and it’s so greasy, it’s really why I was a little chubby for a while, but now look at me! Hah?
[VANCE spreads his arms and looks around; modest applause builds slowly and uncertainly.]
I know, I still have a tummy, but gosh darn it, it’s hard to lose it when you have to sit all day in meetings.
KENNEDY: You have to make time for the gym, JD. There is nothing going on in my office that really requires my attention, and I spend pretty much all day in a health club where I can do some squats and planks and drink some bear fat and then do some more squats and planks, and then snack on some possum toes.
VANCE: Possum toes! Now that’s a new one on me, and you know I’m from App-a-LAH-cha, so I know about possums, ha ha!
[VANCE looks around but no one responds.]
KENNEDY: The toes are a particular delicacy, I believe it was identified by R.H. Muscly, the celebrated ethno-nutritionist, full of protein and positive vibrations. Of course they have to cut them off the paws of the possum while it’s alive and conscious, so the vital essence of the animal vitality enters them.
VANCE: Boy, sounds kinda rough.
KENNEDY: The animal suffers, sure, but they’re a lower order of life. Like immigrants.
VANCE: I hear that!
KENNEDY: This country is so addicted to processed foods, fake food, like the fake news that our beloved President warns us about, that we forget we are in fact apex predators with dominion over all life on the planet.
VANCE: Well, sure. I mean why are we eating potatoes and spinach and curry and all that stuff when we should eating real, live food, like men! And women, of course, though not as much as men, we need more meat for, for evolutionary reasons.
KENNEDY: You know, the President, President Trump, he only eats meat.
VANCE: [Grinning but giving the impression of skepticism] Huh!
KENNEDY: Have you ever seen him eat a vegetable?
VANCE: Only if it was stuck to his — wait, does bread count?
KENNEDY: This is interesting, bread is acceptable only if it has been —
VOICE OFFSTAGE: I SAY!
[Celebrity rapist RUSSELL BRAND springs onto the stage, dressed like an Edwardian fop. He stands between KENNEDY and VANCE, an arm around each. The audience does not seem to know who he is.]
BRAND: My Gawd, it’s good to be on stage with these two magnificent specimens of real-manhood! [To the audience] Right, you wonderful people?
[Audience remains quiet, perplexed.]
Except JD has a bit of a pot belly, wot!
[BRAND reaches over and squeezes VANCE’s belly, whereupon BRAND is tackled by a half-dozen SECRET SERVICE AGENTS. Crowd oohs and aaahs; KENNEDY and VANCE don’t get up, though KENNEDY leans back and yells at the AGENTS:]
KENNEDY: Hey, hey he’s in the show! Leave him alone! Hey!
[The AGENTS stay piled on BRAND. KENNEDY turns to VANCE.]
Alright, JD, I suppose they’ll listen to you.
VANCE: Look, I don’t even know who that guy is.
[The AGENTS drag a now unconscious BRAND away.]
KENNEDY: Idiot! How can you be so stupid! He’s Russell Brand, the famous British manfluencer!
VANCE: [Clumsily pointing a finger at him] Hey, don’t call me an idiot. Now you know I respect your influence on the diet of our young people, but —
[VANCE is distracted as his wife USHA enters, wearing a fabulous Sahuri embroidered silk sari and carrying several stacked bamboo dabbas. Audience applauds.]
Oh, hey, hi, honey. [To the audience] Isn’t she something? She’s dressed like this as a joke. [To USHA] Who’s watching the kids?
USHA: The nannies, who else?
[USHA holds out the dabbas, half-genuflects maliciously:]
I have brought you your lunch, meri jaan.
[VANCE looks around quickly, addresses USHA furtively.]
VANCE: Oh, hey, hon, look, I can’t, these people, they don’t understand vegetables, they think they’re bad.
KENNEDY: [Gargle-laughing] I see now why you can’t lose that paunch, Mr. Vice President.
VANCE: [To KENNEDY, pointing even less convincingly] Hey, you, you shut up!
KENNEDY: Maybe if you knew how to control your woman, you wouldn’t be so flabby.
[VANCE stands up, doesn’t seem to know what to do with his hands.]
VANCE: Now listen, I’m the Vice-President of the United States. You know you’re just a Secretary because secretaries are girls, don’t you, you big girl!
USHA: [Loud, to KENNEDY] Speaking of one’s woman, Mr. Kennedy Junior, I met a friend of yours backstage.
[Enter celebutante journalist OLIVIA NUZZI in a Saint Laurent sleeveless mini dress and gladiator heels. Crowds oohs and aahs, applauds. KENNEDY springs to his feet, comes close to NUZZI.]
KENNEDY: [Hisses, stealing looks at the audience] What the hell are you doing here?
NUZZI: Well, lover, I was —
KENNEDY: Don’t call me that!
NUZZI: — I ran into the Second Lady here and we got to talking and —
[KENNEDY’s eyes roll in his head.]
KENNEDY: No! No! No talking! No!
NUZZI: — and we decided, why should I hide our passion from the world when it’s so obviously —
[KENNEDY gargles furiously, starts doing jumping jacks. To the audience:]
KENNEDY: Come on, everybody! Let’s go! Jumping jacks!
[Confused muttering from the audience. KENNEDY jumping-jacks more ferociously, shooting panicked looks at NUZZI. Meanwhile USHA has taken his seat, and VANCE is holding but not opening the dabbas.]
VANCE: [To USHA] So, what’s in the dabbas?
USHA: Nothing much. Just some poori, shaag aaneer, and khaleji.
VANCE: [Brightly] Chicken livers! [To the audience, which for obvious reasons is not paying him any attention] That’s pretty butch, right?
[KENNEDY seems to catch a cramp, cries out, staggers around, then starts swatting at NUZZI like a little boy pretending to fight. MIKE TYSON, dressed in a Trump-style suit, charges onto the stage, grabs KENNEDY’s arm and wheels him around.]
TYSON: Hey! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?
KENNEDY: Fuck off, I’m a Kennedy!
[TYSON, as if primordially triggered, punches KENNEDY so hard he flies across the stage and into the audience, leaving his Gandalf hat behind. The crowd erupts in applause; TYSON puts on the Gandalf hat and walks around the stage, nodding and smiling with his hands up. NUZZI follows him with interest. VANCE is gobbling his food while USHA plays with her phone.]
Seriously, when you exclude Ted Cruz and Ron DeSantis, was there ever a more charisma-free politician on the national stage than JD Vance? He's so charisma-free he almost functions like a black hole that sucks away the charisma of other people when they are near him. Vance could probably stand next to Mamdani and make the mayor look like a nonentity.
Is " celebutante" a real word? Not one of those Sears words?
It's a real good one! If you made it up you should make up all the words!