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Republican-friendly press outlets are flooded with “BOMBSHELL” revelations from an alleged former Hunter Biden business associate, a doctor from New Jersey named Vinnie Boombatz. Boombatz tells Tucker Carlson that “I'm not saying [Biden] is corrupt, but his lawyer is Hillary Clinton. I even told him, I said, ‘As your doctor I think you’re crooked’; he said, ‘I want a second opinion,’ I said, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!’”
Boombatz further claims Hunter Biden solicited bribes from him at a restaurant that was "so tough they served broken leg of lamb.” Asked to what purpose Biden solicited the bribes, Boombatz becomes agitated and, complaining that he “don’t get no respect” and nervously adjusting his tie, abandons the interview.
“Clearly Boombatz feared reprisal from the Biden-Clinton-Sanders drone regime,” writes Glenn Greenwald. “No respect, indeed.”
The Trump campaign releases a video purporting to have been created by “angels in heaven” and starring the ghost of Herman Cain. The video opens with ethereal music on a landscape made out of clouds where young women in bikinis play the harp; “Cain,” whom an independent analysis determines within a 95% confidence interval to be Jon Voight with his features altered by “deep fake” technology, enters the scene and assures viewers his death from COVID-19 was “painless” and in fact “the best thing that ever happened to me, bringing me to this beautiful place.” Cain tells viewers heaven is “like Saturday mornings when you were a kid, but with cigars and good whiskey — and, for the ladies, lots and lots of shopping.” He says the clouds were designed by My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell and are very comfortable for walking, sitting, and sleeping.
“But there are other places that are not so beautiful,” says Cain, directing viewers’ attention to a smaller floating cloud on which is projected footage of riots, which he attributes to “Joe Biden's lust for socialist power and bribes laundered by Hunter Biden. Because I’m in heaven, you know I’m not lying when I tell you, Vinnie Boombatz is telling the truth!”
Next, little angel children gather around Cain, who tells viewers these are “aborted babies who got extra birthdays in heaven from God.” Several of the children tell Cain they will rejoice on November 3 when Joe Biden, whom they blame from their premature deaths, goes “down in flames,” and they all join Cain in a spirited version of “I’ll Be Glad When You’re Dead (You Rascal You).”
Finally Cain tells viewers that they should not vote for the “hellbound” Biden and “Kamala with the good hair,” and neither should they fear COVID-19, which he portrays as “a blessing to those who succumb to it and, in many cases, to their families.” He invites his viewers to come join him in heaven “right after you vote for Donald Trump, and if you can also shoot up a polling place in a blue city, remember that God forgives those who are prosecuted in His name.”
The Trump campaign claims to have received the video from Jesus Christ, “a frequent visitor to Mar-a-Lago,” and characterizes reporters who express skepticism as “atheo-communists.” The campaign is immediately hit with a lawsuit from several artists and technicians who say they worked on the video and whose checks from the campaign bounced.
The Trump campaign conducts Militiaman Costume Contests at early voting sites in swing states; contestants who manage to scare at least one young or black voter away are chosen as finalists for a grand prize. To this end many entrants use bomb threats or discharges of live ammunition, for which they are disqualified. In the end only one contestant, Lydecker Skink from Doris, Georgia, qualifies as a finalist and is flown to the White House, where he is given the “Order of Kyle Rittenhouse” — a “new White House medal,” Trump announces, “created in partnership with the Franklin Mint.” Skink is appointed Undersecretary of Voter Law Enforcement, which the President calls “a cabinet level appointment, better than cabinet actually,” and sends Skink out with a $30 million budget to recruit deputies for “field work.”
To be continued