A change in the program

Trump makes his mark

[Rose Garden, White House. TRUMP is standing in front of a table, facing press cameras, surrounded by some gumps in suits. Everybody's very chortlesome and relaxed. On the table are two live turkeys. They are tethered to the table so they can’t get away.]

TRUMP: Okay, let’s go. First I wanna give a big thank you to Jerry Slipstena, who they tell me raised these birds — what’re their names, Frick and Frack, right...

[Someone whispers in his ear.]

Bread and Butter, Jerry’s telling me. Bread and Butter are the names. Weird names for birds, doesn’t it sound weird, folks? “What are we having for Thanksgiving dinner? Bread and butter.” Get the hell out of here! I’m leaving you! That’s what they’d say, right, Melania?

[Pause.]

She’s over in the bushes there, the First Lady, you can’t see her, but she’s a beautiful woman. Fantastic cook, too. She could cook the hell out of these two birds, let me tell you. She’s not gonna get the chance, though, the way we have it set up. ‘Scuse me.

[TRUMP turns around, does some fiddling with his jacket; his shoulders hunch and he snorts something. The smiles of the gumps in suits are more forced now and they all look around as if for some sign or assistance. TRUMP turns around; his face is a little redder than before.]

How ya doin’. [Does a funny voice] Mmmm, a-boy! [Normal voice] I’m doing Jackie Gleason now. Jackie Gleason from Miami Beach. June Taylor dancers. Before your time, maybe. [Does voice again] Mmmm, a-boy! How sweet it is! [Normal voice] He’d take a drink out of a coffee cup and then he’d say that, how sweet it is. Wonderful performer, no profanity. You know we have that now with Kanye, since he got into religion, no profanity, nothing but wholesome entertainment, and that’s what we need now, am I right, fellas. He’s got this opera he wrote, a whole opera, called The Nebucadenza. About a king, an Egyptian king, and the lessons are there, I've taught him a lot, don’t be surprised. What’s it called, Jerry? He doesn’t know. Nebucadenza — Neb-u-ca-ca-

[TRUMP pushes the back of his wrist to his mouth and makes a face, as if he’s pushing his plate back in. He drops his arms, assumes a serious demeanor.]

The Democrats want to take that away from us. Everything that’s good, everything that’s decent. They want to make a law against Kanye, and against me too. Not going to happen. Something else that’s not going to happen.

[His breathing quickens and his face gets redder.]

We’re not going to persecute our fighting war army men just because they cut a few corners in defense of their country. What they did to Eddie Gallagher was a disgrace and a crime and that’s what the Democrats want to do to this whole country. They want us to persecute this brave hero for so-called war crimes. They take the word of a bunch of snitches who got in the Seals, I don’t know how they got in the Seals, over the word of a real fighting battle war army hero. They’re a bunch of Geneva Convention sissies and they want to make us sissies too. They even want us to pardon these turkeys, these turkeys, [Gesticulates at turkeys] these turkeys that God gave us for food, to just let ‘em run around loose like a bunch of immigrants because of the animal rights they support. But I say, no. Way. These turkeys would kill us if they could. And that is why —

[TRUMP leans over and with some difficulty gets a hatchet from under the table, and holds it with two hands like an axe.]

— that is why there’ll be no pardon for these lousy Mexican Democrat turkeys. And this is what we do to snitches!

[TRUMP suddenly whacks feebly with his hatchet at the birds, who scream and struggle. The gumps in suits run away. About two dozen SECRET SERVICE AGENTS descend upon TRUMP, obscuring him; presently we see the hatchet handed over the AGENTS and off to one side. RUDY GIULIANI runs up to the table and screams at the press:]

GIULIANI: NOTHING HAPPENED! IT NEVER HAPPENED! NOTHING HAPPENED!

[CURTAIN]