A League of Their Own

Early draft stages of the Anti-Woke League (AWOL)

Fellow Citizens and Stakeholders:

We are pleased to report that with $470 million in capitalization* so far the Anti-Woke League (AWOL) Project is already successful on the basis of accrued interest alone. In addition we expect massive attention flows and earned media based on the publicity surrounding the treason of the existing leagues, which along with the support of President Trump will give us an unprecedented boost on launch**. The President has also been kind enough to grant to AWOL equities from the old USFL, including insignia, signage, uniforms etc.***

At this stage we will begin discussion of the nature of the game itself. As was decided at the last general meeting, the game played by AWOL teams will be distinct from games played by MLB, NBA, and NFL, in an entirely new and unique form and style of play that emphasizes American equities such as “toughness, patriotism, success, nice guys finish last, patriotism, violence, patriotism, and humiliation of the crazies and losers,” as laid out in President Trump’s brief of April 10, 2021.

The Project has received initial proposals from its Working Group which are offered here for purposes of discussion before the next general meeting. Feel free to develop your own concepts.

Patriotball. This is an easy layup as it leads with the equity that distinguishes AWOL from the traitor leagues, and which President Trump found important enough to mention three times in his brief. Players wear modern uniforms but with WWII-era Army M1 helmets and paratrooper boots. The game field resembles that of American football but is raked at a 30°angle. Each team has 15 men in the positions Big Guy, Slinger, Grabber (5), Ass-Kicker (3), Enforcer (3), and Goon (2). Each “bout” begins with opposing Big Guys bare-knuckle boxing for possession of the “Meat,” an object made of leather and shaped like an oversize T-bone steak, possession of which gives the successful Big Guy’s team downhill advantage. The Meat may be advanced by running, kicking, and by a form of forward pass known as “whipping,” similar to throwing a frisbee but, owing to the Meat’s irregular shape, weight (17 pounds), and actual center “bone” of hard material, its trajectory is more unpredictable and dangerous. When the team in possession gets within 20 yards of the goal line, scoring is complicated by a battery of fireworks (Roman candles, rockets, M-80s launched by catapult) fired at them by the opposing bench and lucky spectators “drafted” by line judges from the crowd. The Star Spangled Banner is played, and stood for, after every score; God Bless America is played every fifteen minutes; and Taps is played every time a player is killed or seriously injured.

Buttball. Very like rugby, but with certain revisions to make it more American — for example, unlike the British game, forward passes are allowed, but if the pass does not complete, the passer has to stand for a “free shot” (punch in the arm) by the opposing captain, who must complete it in five seconds so as not to slow up the game. Buttball gets its name and distinct character from its lack of nearly any other rules (e.g. charging, headbutts etc. are allowed), heavy padding and helmets on the players, and extra scoring opportunities gained by knocking players to the ground and stunning them sufficiently that their assailant can simulate anal sex on their prone figure for five seconds (called a “pounding” and worth two points). Game will be known colloquially as “Fuckball” and “Fagball,” which we will encourage while taking extreme care that it not be traced to the front office, with the help of our operatives at Barstool Media and Quillette.

Melly. From “Melee” but without the sissy French spelling, the game is basically just about beating up the members of the opposition; the last team standing wins. May involve three- and four-team variants, especially in playoffs.

Hockey. The game has the advantage of already existing and of having a major league to which we can stand in opposition, challenging them as “Sissy Trudeaus,” “Polite Pussies,” and “Eh-Sayers” and hopefully leading to interleague rivalries and play. Plus we can stock our League with Russian athletes who are already familiar with our philosophy.

* this estimate is an approximation and is not guaranteed.
** date TBD.
*** upon settlement with World Record Headquarters Inc. and Joe Palonna of Sarasota, Fla., with whom we are in negotiation for USFL.com, and with President Trump receiving a percentage TBD.