A merdé formality

Nothing matters and so what if it DOD

[Dirksen SDG-50 Committee Room, U.S. Senate. Senators are seated at the dais while Fox News celebrity POOPMOUTH sits at a facing desk, noisily munching chips out of a bag. Sitting next to him is a blonde chick with big tits wearing a red Paula Hian Louvre turbo twill knot two piece suit without the bolero jacket but with an strapless push-up bra and violet Christian Louboutin fuck-me pumps.]

SENATOR KAINE: Mr. Poopmouth, I’ll be honest. With all due respect to Secretary Hegseth and his tragic death from alcohol poisoning, when this chamber approved his nomination I thought we had reached a nadir. But now we come to you. First, sir, will you please stop eating when the committee addresses you?

POOPMOUTH, mouth full of chips: I’m hungry!

SENATOR KAINE: Well, then let’s get to your qualifications, such as they are. The Secretary of Defense is in charge of nearly three million employees and charged with the defense of the United States of America against all foreign interests. What in your career as a —

[KAINE reads off sheet.]

— Subway sandwich attendant, assistant stage manager, stand-up comic, “dude of leisure” it says here, and Fox News television host prepares you in any way for this responsibility?

[POOPMOUTH throws the chips bag aside, folds his hands, chews and smacks thoughtfully a moment.]

POOPMOUTH: OK, that thing where you said something something in charge of defense of foreign? Think we got some wires crossed because some foreigners are my fellow dudes.

[Deepening his voice and pumping his fist.]

Like Vladimir Putin! Big Vlad! Yeah!

[CHICK WITH BIG TITS nods and smiles broadly.]

CHICK: Pu-tin! Pu-tin!

POOPMOUTH: Yeah, and Orban and a couple others, and the hot chick from Italy whose grandpa was guinea Hitler. But on the other hand, some of the non-foreign dudes, them we’re just gonna kill if they look at us funny.

CHICK: Like antifa.

POOPMOUTH: Oh yeah.

CHICK: And Black Lives Matter.

[POOPMOUTH gives a thumbs-down, makes a buzzer noise with his mouth,]

POOPMOUTH: And I have a hundred black friends who agree with me.

SENATOR KAINE: So am I to understand you would authorize United States military to shoot American citizens at the behest of President Trump?

POOPMOUTH: Totally.

SENATOR KAINE: Even Secretary Hegseth didn’t do that.

POOPMOUTH: Hey! He never said he wouldn’t, it’s just every time the boss told him to shoot protestors he was too wasted to give the order!

CHICK: Secretary Poopmouth totally would!

POOPMOUTH: [To CHICK] “Secretary Poopmouth,” that makes me sound like a chick! How about you’re my secretary and we call you Secretary Secretary!

[POOPMOUTH and CHICK laugh.]

SENATOR KAINE: Mr. Poopmouth, who is this person accompanying you to this hearing today?

POOPMOUTH: Who, this? This is my counsel. Miss Framastat from Dewey Cheatem and Howe.

[POOPMOUTH and FRAMASTAT giggle; POOPMOUTH squeezes one of FRAMASTAT’s breasts.]

SENATOR KAINE: I take it Miss Framastat is not in fact a licensed attorney.

SENATOR TOMMY TUBERVILLE: Mr. Chairman, I must take exception to the senior Senator from Vagina’s remarks about this attractive young lady’s credentials, which he has no way of knowin’. And even if she don’t have a lawyer license, so what. Back in the eighteen-hundreds, when America was great and our beloved President is taking us back there, you just wait and see, you di’n’t need no license to practice law, you just went in there and licked the boy that was a lawyer afore you, licked ‘em at lawyering I mean, mebbe at feats o’ strength too, I dunno, been a while since I studied up on it —

POOPMOUTH: Hey, hey, Coach, let me take it from here. Look. Let’s be real, people. I don’t need no stinkin’ qualifications. Alright? Hegseth, he was a fucking idiot drunk rapist. Sailed right the fuck through. RFK, he’s fucking nuts. I mean even I get flu shots! What the fuck, I’m not stupid! But, whoosh, sailed right through. They did stop Tulsi, which, that’s on her, she should have blown a couple guys, you know that would have worked. But who’d they get instead? Maria Butina! An actual fucking Russian! They swore her in on Zoom! And this bitch, I know she sucked off a couple of you. Point is, none of this shit matters. We’re just doin’ what we’re doin’. Kaine, that whole [acts like a sissy] “oooh, it’s not proper, it’s not moral” — that whole thing, forget it, it’s like trying to get high school students to read a book, it’s over. And now, you know what, I’m gonna do you all a favor. This fine lady here is gonna suck me off, right here right now in the hearing room —

FRAMASTAT: Hey, man, that’s not on the menu!

SENATOR SLOTKIN: Mr. Chairman, this is highly irregular.

POOPMOUTH: [To FRAMASTAT] Fifty grand and that’s my final offer.

SENATOR WICKER, CHAIRMAN: Well nah ah don’, don’ see in Roberts Rules of Order —

FRAMASTAT: [To POOPMOUTH] Chuck you, Farley!

[FRAMASTAT storms off; POOPMOUTH smacks her ass as she goes.]

TUBERVILLE: Come by my office anytime, young lady!

POOPMOUTH: Well, OK, then, I’m gonna take a shit on the desk, then, not just ‘cause I always wanted to do it —

SENATOR WARREN: Mr. Chairman!

SENATOR ERNST: Well, let’s hear him out.

POOPMOUTH: — but because in my own way, I’m a patriot and, and –

[POOPMOUTH seems to get choked up, brings his fist to his lips, looks up, etc.]

— and because I want the people of this great country that I love so, so much, the people who have suffered so much and so long, from the price of eggs, and from Mexicans, and boat slip fees, I want them to see, right here, right now I want them to see —

[Suddenly POOPMOUTH is not choked up but full of mad glee.]

THAT WE’RE GODS AND WE CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK WE WANT! AH HA HA HA HA HA!

[POOPMOUTH stands, turns, drops his pants and his underwear and shakes his ass at the committee and the cameras. Cries of protest, raucous laughter, the sound of a breaking string.]