A plea for toleration

How dare ye fail to respect the Witchfinder General?

© 2018 Rachel Malehorn, used under a Creative Commons license

[Meeting hall, 17th Century Puritan village, Massachusetts. The dour witchfinder BAREBONES SMALLGOOD, and the two judges LEVENTINE KILLBRAINS and LEVITICUS TURD, sit glowering at a head table, while townspeople sit at benches facing.]

SMALLGOOD. Citizens, we have called you here another time and with good reason. We have burned many witches this twelvemonth, but I fear our labors are not at an end.

[SMALLGOOD raises a paper.]

I have made my investigation, and here is a list of 12 girls of the town I have certained for witches. Their torments and confessions shall begin anon.

[There is a tense pause, then a MAN of about 30 rises.]

MAN: I will not be silent! I know you have my Sarah’s name on your list, sir, and she be a good girl. And I know ye will condemn me for sayin' so, but I will not be silent!

SMALLGOOD: Ye sign your own death warrant, sir!

[Another MAN seated next to him stands.]

SECOND MAN: If ye are to kill Silas Grundle, then ye will have to kill me, too!

FIRST MAN: [Exasperated whisper] Why did you have to tell him my name?

SECOND: Yes, he is Silas Grundle, and what of it, I am Cromwell Regicide and we both defy ye. To hell with this court!

[General gasp.]

FIRST MAN: I would not go that far, your honors.

WOMAN: [Rising] I would! I am Goody Sarah First Book of Maccabees and I’ve had a belly full of ye burning young girls —

[She hoists some sort of scary farming implement.]

— and if ye dare to touch my Mehitabel I’ll make mulch of ye!

ANOTHER WOMAN: [Rising with a big knife] I too!

[A NEW MAN rises holding two knives.]

NEW MAN: I have knives as well and I want in on this!

YET ANOTHER MAN: Oooh me too! Me too!

[The crowd rises with murder in their hearts. SMALLGOOD climbs on the table.]

SMALLGOOD: STOP! Do ye not know what bigots ye are?

WOMAN: Bigots! How are we bigots to protect our children from ye monsters!

SMALLGOOD: Ye are anti-Puritan bigots, that’s what! Just because we show our love for the God we all worship in a different way, ye make mock of us and treat us like something less than ye.

TURD: [Rising] That’s so! You, Jedediah Fieldstrip, I’ve seen ye muttering and cursing whene’er I draw near!

FIELDSTRIP: And why should I not? Ye burned all four of my daughters!

TURD: Oh, and I suppose your religion is the only true religion, eh?

FIELDSTRIP: It’s the same religion as yours! And I don’t kill little girls!

AN OLD WOMAN: Nor diddle them! All here know ye diddle little girls!

[Tumult.]

KILLBRAINS: Silence, sinners! When your brats told those stories, we gave ye plenty silver, did we not? Goody Fisticuffs, ye had a big bag of gold from me and two fine hens! Pride Charity Hopewrath, when your little Prudence, God rest her soul, died from the rodgering I gave her, from me ye had a beautiful lamb and a pewter tosspot! And is that not proof of our Christian charity?

[General muttering.]

TURD: But no, ye persist in your anti-Puritan bigotry, making up stories ye were well paid not to repeat, and suppressing our religious observances, such as burning witches and crushing blasphemers with large stones and rodgering little girls.

SMALLGOOD: And boys.

TURD: And boys. Are ye not ashamed!

[TURD gasps, looks up, bugs his eyes out and waves his hands next to his face.]

Hark! Hark! I am visited by the Lord Jesu, speaking to me!

SMALLWOOD: What does He say, Brother Turd?

TURD: He says just as He was cancelled by the Romans, so am I, and my brothers Killbrains and Smallgood, being cancelled by the Woke Mob. My Lord weeps, and His tears are of dark red blood! I tell Him, my Lord, forgive them, they know not what they do! But He tells me, nay, now we must sit more in Court and find still more witches and burn them to a crisp to purify his people.

KILLBRAINS: [Snarling at the crowd] Look what ye have done, ye savages!

SOME MAN: [Weeping] Ay, forgive us, sirs, we knew not we were bigots!

ANOTHER MAN: We have been sore prejudiced. Please don’t take back our tosspot!

YET ANOTHER MAN: I was lured and mannered by the Devil — look! [Shakes violently.]

[General sounds of conciliation, self-abnegation, &tc.]

STILL YET ANOTHER MAN: [Climbing on a bench] I think we all of us hath learned something today! And I tell you, my brothers and sister, with what relief I hear the message of the Witchfinder and the Judges! They have shown that toleration is the only path to harmony in this strange new land! And so —

[He slaps a yarmulke on his head.]

— I declare myself a true Son of Abraham! And I know —

SMALLGOOD: Kill the Jew!

[The mob descends on and slaughters him. CURTAIN.]