Like some kind of guaranteed-jobs program for the unemployable, Goddamn socialists.
Added: Omigod I clicked, and it's just "The Democrats stole the election and everyone knows the Democrats stole the election even the lying liars who say the Democrats didn't steal the election which is a BIG LIE because the Democrats stole the election and everyone knows the Democrats stole the election which is a fact, which is a thing that is true, because the Democrats stole the election and everyone knows the Democrats stole the election..."
It's like getting caught in an infinite loop of stupid or Jack Nicholson typing "the Democrats stole the election and everyone knows the Democrats stole the election" OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
Also: I noticed a lack of those blue clicky-thingies called "hyperlinks", like where you'd link the words MASSIVE FRAUD to, you know, some actual evidence of MASSIVE FRAUD, but no, not needed, because the Democrats stole the election and everyone knows the Democrats stole the election...
I hear they expect you to learn stuff. Better to go with Christian fundamentalism, where you just have to get a little wet and shout "Take me Jesus!" to get in. No book larnin' required, which is handy because if any of them were ever forced to read the Sermon on the Mount they'd shit themselves.
Not so fast, Mister College Professor. They could take refuge in (of all people) Leonard Cohen: "From the staggering account/Of the Sermon on the Mount/Which I don't pretend to understand at all."
Funny thing about that, I saw an article a few days ago about "water jobs", working on ships and such, and how hard it is to find people to work these jobs because it's dangerous work that doesn't pay well and you're often away from your family for long periods of time, but it's sure butch as hell and like 99% male, so you'd think all those manly not-so-educated conservatives would be flocking to these jobs. Out at sea, they might even be able to imagine they were still living in the mid-20th-Century, when men were men and women were in a magazine you kept in your locker! But did I mention "dangerous and doesn't pay well"? So you're likely to find POC working these jobs and being in close contact with such folks might just be too SCAAAAARY for Mr. Butch Conservative.
Pecking away at his laptop, inventorying his grievances, Mr. Barton Swaim fantasizes about a life at sea, difficult and dangerous and lonely, but for his sweaty and well-muscled bunk mate, who also thinks workplace sexual harassment training is bullshit.
First of all, everything published on the Journal's editorial/op-ed pages has to be taken as something delusional and/or unhinged. They invented those pages as safe places for insane opinions and punditry. BTW: Rupert just shitcanned WSJ's editor for being too woke.
As for the failure for the deluded and those in denial to see the triumph of the right, well, it never, after decades of it, fails to amaze, at least the part of me that's a hopeful fool. OTOH, the belief of victimhood is what excites and motivates the GOP base so I'm stuck with it.
BTW: Liberal media is one of those perversions of language the GOP relies on like pro-life and freedom.
Then again, sick people putzing around with their pathologies, clouding facts and stuff. That is to say, I pretty much get Roy's confusion and frustration. Seeing what's been going on for decades now while many if not most ignore or deny it...
I'm convinced- this Swaim fellow is an asshole. Another perhaps pertinent data point- the principal at the junior high in the small town where I grew up was named Swaim. He was a major asshole. It could be a coincidence but you know, your fine article combined with my real world experience and I've made up my mind about those Swaims.
"whole little fungal effusion of conservative crybullies has sprung up in their damp shadows —"
One of my favorite Firesign Theater quotes comes shortly after the communist-college-professor-beatnik-hippie bit: "Mr. Policeman, what makes America great?" Says it all.
1. Anyone with a name like "Barton Swaim" should never venture an opinion in public about anything. It sounds like something W. C. Fields made up.
2. To restate your proposition in different terms, this is another example where reality hands a reactionary a round peg and he hammers it into the square hole of his ideology, as he does in every situation.
3. This was the biggest litany of non-events and invented outrages that I've read in some time.
I was thinking Dickens, but could also be a character in a Cohen brothers movie.
And how exactly is this supposed to work? All the liberals who read the Wall Street Journal editorial page (but wait, don't we all live in a bubble, avoiding conservative thought like the plague?) will be shamed by Swaim's complaints and resolve to do better? "Well, I was just reading this op-ed in the Wall Street Journal about how I'm not making enough of an effort to understand what conservatives think, so I'll go sign up for the National Review as well."
Now I'm really confused, because I just read an article that said "Republican voters now want Trump's policies without Trump", but "Trump's policies" ARE Trump, is this some kind of Zen koan?
Just thinking of my father's assertion that I need to watch FAUX. Yeah, no, I *know* pretty well what the conservative position will be, regardless of having so many sources that use the exact words of conservatives in their comments. It's not difficult to anticipate their reactions when they're so shallow as to make a wading pool look like the Marianas Trench.
Look, if my parents decided it was cool for me to spend my life with the name Barton Swaim, I'd have a chip on my shoulder, too -- but this guy is giving off Clockwork Orange vibes, like instead of merely hearing a teacher say "every child is treated equally" at Back to School night, he's strapped to a chair while she reads the entirety of Das Kapital aloud.
Also in the airport, where he is not free to turn his head away from the mandatory CNN-telescreen, or put in a pair of earbuds or just sit somewhere away from the TV, a suggestion that would no doubt be interpreted by him as a proposal to put all conservative air travelers in internment camps.
"He can’t watch a pro football game without enduring little pronouncements of wokeness."
Not since they assigned a Bard tenured professor of Semiotics to each and every household to block access to the kitchen and the bathroom during that part.
I'm wondering what these pronouncements of wokeness are and when they're being made 'cause they're not in any NFL game I've ever watched. They must be some kind of subliminal thing, broadcast at a frequency only detectable by racist assholes.
The team I follow has STOP HATE and CHOOSE LOVE on the backs of their helmets. I'm sure it's keeping the rate of domestic violence down when our kicker blows a potential game-winning field goal. In any case, I watched a game with my fellow fans in a bar recently and they really, really, really hated that small and meaningless gesture.
The irony of men trying to beat each other's brain out in one of the most violent team sports on the planet while wearing "STOP HATE" and "CHOOSE LOVE" on their helmets is just lost on everyone, ain't it?
Wouldn't it have been more meaningful to have the players tattoo "Hate" and "Love" onto their fists? Might help if they decide to go into a post-football career as a preacher.
"Welcome to the Talledega racetrack! We pause to acknowledge the land on which this track was built is the land of the indigenous Coweta and Kashinta peoples..."
The self-owns are massive & thoroughgoing. And there is no one way that chud's real name is Swaim. The only reason such a piece exists in the WSJ is so that other propagandists & assorted RW donkey-fuckers can cite that it exists in the WSJ...
Kudos for the "liberal buttplug" idea -- the real affront here is, of course, that you can't even be conservative...
Have you SEEN what the Bidenflation has done to the price of Astroglide? Ha, "apply liberally" like I'm some high-paid public school teacher or something.
Claremont employs some spectacular losers-as-human-beings.
Like some kind of guaranteed-jobs program for the unemployable, Goddamn socialists.
Added: Omigod I clicked, and it's just "The Democrats stole the election and everyone knows the Democrats stole the election even the lying liars who say the Democrats didn't steal the election which is a BIG LIE because the Democrats stole the election and everyone knows the Democrats stole the election which is a fact, which is a thing that is true, because the Democrats stole the election and everyone knows the Democrats stole the election..."
It's like getting caught in an infinite loop of stupid or Jack Nicholson typing "the Democrats stole the election and everyone knows the Democrats stole the election" OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
Also: I noticed a lack of those blue clicky-thingies called "hyperlinks", like where you'd link the words MASSIVE FRAUD to, you know, some actual evidence of MASSIVE FRAUD, but no, not needed, because the Democrats stole the election and everyone knows the Democrats stole the election...
The fact that Swaim was published in the Wall Street Journal just proves how canceled he's been!
Conservatives KNOW that their ideas would be wildly popular if only they could force everyone to like their ideas.
Deep down in their hearts, everyone thinks exactly like me. They're just too scared to say it. Which makes me brave, but sadly, persecuted.
He's sure getting even more exposure right here, right now, but is he grateful? He is not.
Sadly, the only people who even like the WSJ are those who feel their profession forces them to
Wait, what is Mr. Rightwinger’s spawn doing on a campus? Isn’t that where elitists are created?
Highly educated elitists--and maybe even URBANITES!!!
Hearted for messin' 'round with words...not that ever I would such a thing do...
What kind of moran can't spell good?
yes you wood
Or - gasp - ROOTLESS COSMOPOLITANS!
It's tough to convert to Judaism.
I hear they expect you to learn stuff. Better to go with Christian fundamentalism, where you just have to get a little wet and shout "Take me Jesus!" to get in. No book larnin' required, which is handy because if any of them were ever forced to read the Sermon on the Mount they'd shit themselves.
Not so fast, Mister College Professor. They could take refuge in (of all people) Leonard Cohen: "From the staggering account/Of the Sermon on the Mount/Which I don't pretend to understand at all."
No disrespect intended to Mr. Cohen, but judging by our prominent Christians, "don't pretend to understand" should be "pretend to misunderstand."
Also, for some people Judaism might involve surgery.
The mohel is the only guy who's always left with a tip.
"Because Jewish women want 10% off everything" as my Jewish brother-in-law once told me.
just ask Ivanka Kushner
More like root vegetables...
Are there no positions down at the docks?
Funny thing about that, I saw an article a few days ago about "water jobs", working on ships and such, and how hard it is to find people to work these jobs because it's dangerous work that doesn't pay well and you're often away from your family for long periods of time, but it's sure butch as hell and like 99% male, so you'd think all those manly not-so-educated conservatives would be flocking to these jobs. Out at sea, they might even be able to imagine they were still living in the mid-20th-Century, when men were men and women were in a magazine you kept in your locker! But did I mention "dangerous and doesn't pay well"? So you're likely to find POC working these jobs and being in close contact with such folks might just be too SCAAAAARY for Mr. Butch Conservative.
Rugged individualists: It's what's for dinner.
To the soldiers' quarters make haste!
There isn't a moment to waste!
Pull 'em out of the billet
And straight onto the skillet
These men of exquisite taste
Those "No quarter" flags we're seeing suggest their favorite drink of liberal tears is just the apéritif.
Twas ever thus! Go look up the term "filthy Lascars," which was the collective perjorative for not-quite-White seamen.
A term I learned from Conan Doyle and Lovecraft
So... Lascars bad, Nascar good?
Pecking away at his laptop, inventorying his grievances, Mr. Barton Swaim fantasizes about a life at sea, difficult and dangerous and lonely, but for his sweaty and well-muscled bunk mate, who also thinks workplace sexual harassment training is bullshit.
If you like adventure, don't you wait to enter
The recruiting office fast
Don't you hesitate, there is no need to wait
They're signing up new seamen fast
Maybe you are too young to join up today
But don't you worry 'bout a thing
For I'm sure there will be always a good navy
Protecting the land and sea
Mister we could use a man like Harry Bridges again...
Also, too: Rum, sodomy and the lash...!
Bodybuilding stevedores!
Who were on their way to a title fight but their brother told 'em to take a dive and all they got was a one-way ticket to Palookaville!
BTW, if you can't get a limerick out of "Barton Swaim" I will be VERY disappointed.
I’ll try:
There was young pundit named Swaim
Who opined all the smarties take blame,
Because of their bubble
From which they cause trouble,
For fascists being ever so lame.
I’m sure that can be improved.
Maybe last line: "Through rivers of bullshit he has Swaim"?
Channeling Ogden Nash here:
Barton Swaim (Republican, lame)
and then I got nothin'
Barton Swaim (Republican, lame)
Is fighting a war on Woke
Whine, Swaim, and cast your blame
On the Wokester football game
Shame-faced libtards heed your cry
We'll all watch Newsmax by and by
1.5 marks for 'by and by'
Oh what is to be said for poor Barton
Whose feefee's apparently smartin'
Unfit for longshoreman
Or even a doorman
He's not any good but for fartin'
The guy that you want for fartin' flame
Is also the one who is chartin' blame
The Journals' bequeathin'
To anyone breathin'
Which barely qualifies Barton Swaim
The Master weighs in.
Twice!
I know it's too late for people to see this (damn you, time zones!), but here's my shot:
A conservative pundit, Bart Swaim,
Says he's forced to play liberals’ game
Be it football or college
Lefties have more knowledge
It's clearly the wokesters to blame.
It’s never too late to save the best for last!
First of all, everything published on the Journal's editorial/op-ed pages has to be taken as something delusional and/or unhinged. They invented those pages as safe places for insane opinions and punditry. BTW: Rupert just shitcanned WSJ's editor for being too woke.
As for the failure for the deluded and those in denial to see the triumph of the right, well, it never, after decades of it, fails to amaze, at least the part of me that's a hopeful fool. OTOH, the belief of victimhood is what excites and motivates the GOP base so I'm stuck with it.
BTW: Liberal media is one of those perversions of language the GOP relies on like pro-life and freedom.
Then again, sick people putzing around with their pathologies, clouding facts and stuff. That is to say, I pretty much get Roy's confusion and frustration. Seeing what's been going on for decades now while many if not most ignore or deny it...
I'm convinced- this Swaim fellow is an asshole. Another perhaps pertinent data point- the principal at the junior high in the small town where I grew up was named Swaim. He was a major asshole. It could be a coincidence but you know, your fine article combined with my real world experience and I've made up my mind about those Swaims.
"whole little fungal effusion of conservative crybullies has sprung up in their damp shadows —"
Boy Howdy is that ever great! 7 bucks worth easy!
Two data points make a straight line! In this case, a straight line to "asshole."
Taint, true.
One of my favorite Firesign Theater quotes comes shortly after the communist-college-professor-beatnik-hippie bit: "Mr. Policeman, what makes America great?" Says it all.
Ask the man on the street! Ask the cop on the beat! Ask the cop knocking on your back door!
Knocking? They knock first?
Deputy Dan has to knock, because he has no friends.
God bless Vespucci-Land!
"I'm proud to be a Vespucian, where at least I know I'm free..."
Well-play‘d sir
It‘s a little more musical than „Guð blessi Vinland“ (which totally coulda happened)
"Remember, Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain! No, he died in Washington, DC!"
This little sub-thread just proves that the commentariat here are truly My People.
We’re all bozos on this bus.
"I see. But who am us, anyway?"
"whole little fungal effusion of conservative crybullies has sprung up in their damp shadows "
2 marks!
Whenever I read this sort of whiny drivel conservatives I am reminded of saying by Hubert Humphrey:
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
"Sometimes I don’t know how to take being so goddamn right all the time." My wife says I have the same problem.
1. Anyone with a name like "Barton Swaim" should never venture an opinion in public about anything. It sounds like something W. C. Fields made up.
2. To restate your proposition in different terms, this is another example where reality hands a reactionary a round peg and he hammers it into the square hole of his ideology, as he does in every situation.
3. This was the biggest litany of non-events and invented outrages that I've read in some time.
I was thinking Dickens, but could also be a character in a Cohen brothers movie.
And how exactly is this supposed to work? All the liberals who read the Wall Street Journal editorial page (but wait, don't we all live in a bubble, avoiding conservative thought like the plague?) will be shamed by Swaim's complaints and resolve to do better? "Well, I was just reading this op-ed in the Wall Street Journal about how I'm not making enough of an effort to understand what conservatives think, so I'll go sign up for the National Review as well."
In his followup tweet, he will explain what all those conservative policies are...sometime in 2023.
He subscribes to the 2020 GOP National Platform which is literally whatever Trump says. https://www.vox.com/2020/8/24/21399396/republican-convention-platform-2020-2016
Yeah. Pretty much whatever Swamp Thang could Kabul together...
Now I'm really confused, because I just read an article that said "Republican voters now want Trump's policies without Trump", but "Trump's policies" ARE Trump, is this some kind of Zen koan?
Just thinking of my father's assertion that I need to watch FAUX. Yeah, no, I *know* pretty well what the conservative position will be, regardless of having so many sources that use the exact words of conservatives in their comments. It's not difficult to anticipate their reactions when they're so shallow as to make a wading pool look like the Marianas Trench.
Addendum to 3.: „… and in these times, that‘s sayin‘ something.“
Jesus, what a drama queen.
Look, if my parents decided it was cool for me to spend my life with the name Barton Swaim, I'd have a chip on my shoulder, too -- but this guy is giving off Clockwork Orange vibes, like instead of merely hearing a teacher say "every child is treated equally" at Back to School night, he's strapped to a chair while she reads the entirety of Das Kapital aloud.
Also in the airport, where he is not free to turn his head away from the mandatory CNN-telescreen, or put in a pair of earbuds or just sit somewhere away from the TV, a suggestion that would no doubt be interpreted by him as a proposal to put all conservative air travelers in internment camps.
Also, did Swain miss the new CNN management and their firing leftish staffers and other right turns?
NOT ENOUGH NEVER ENOUGH FEED ME
"He can’t watch a pro football game without enduring little pronouncements of wokeness."
Not since they assigned a Bard tenured professor of Semiotics to each and every household to block access to the kitchen and the bathroom during that part.
I'm wondering what these pronouncements of wokeness are and when they're being made 'cause they're not in any NFL game I've ever watched. They must be some kind of subliminal thing, broadcast at a frequency only detectable by racist assholes.
The team I follow has STOP HATE and CHOOSE LOVE on the backs of their helmets. I'm sure it's keeping the rate of domestic violence down when our kicker blows a potential game-winning field goal. In any case, I watched a game with my fellow fans in a bar recently and they really, really, really hated that small and meaningless gesture.
The irony of men trying to beat each other's brain out in one of the most violent team sports on the planet while wearing "STOP HATE" and "CHOOSE LOVE" on their helmets is just lost on everyone, ain't it?
Pretty much. Lots of bitching this year about the new protocols attempting to reduce head injuries.
But...but... if we reduce head injuries in the NFL, where will our future Senate candidates come from?
Relax. Still plenty of ignorant torture enthusiasts amongst the country's law enforcement organizations.
Dude! 2 marks!
"if we reduce head injuries in the NFL, where will our future Senate candidates come from?"
I wish I could give you more upvotes for this!
Well I woulda hated missing that field goal too (speaking of small, meaningless gestures).
Wouldn't it have been more meaningful to have the players tattoo "Hate" and "Love" onto their fists? Might help if they decide to go into a post-football career as a preacher.
Armed for es day, the Star Spangled Banner, and fighter jet flyovers, I guess.
Well, to be fair, I can't watch an American football game either,, but then I'm just a Man O' the World and Junior Master of the Universe...
Perhaps he should take up NASCAR, which I'm given to understand is a good manly Christian conservative sport.
"Welcome to the Talledega racetrack! We pause to acknowledge the land on which this track was built is the land of the indigenous Coweta and Kashinta peoples..."
"DAMMIT IS NOTHING SACRED"
TL/DR Swaim: why do you keep making me hit you?
TL/DR Swaim, part the second: It's not fair smart people don't agree with me.
Sadly, it's an experience he's been having since 3rd-grade math class.
"Which I understand was in Swaim’s first draft!" The butt plug kicker for the win.
I don't usually call out the moments where I really, truly did LOL because there are just too many, but that was one of them.
The self-owns are massive & thoroughgoing. And there is no one way that chud's real name is Swaim. The only reason such a piece exists in the WSJ is so that other propagandists & assorted RW donkey-fuckers can cite that it exists in the WSJ...
Kudos for the "liberal buttplug" idea -- the real affront here is, of course, that you can't even be conservative...
with the lubricant...
I'll see myself out <dodging soda cups>
Have you SEEN what the Bidenflation has done to the price of Astroglide? Ha, "apply liberally" like I'm some high-paid public school teacher or something.
"Astronomical" prices, amirite?
Hearted, but oof...