A Special Deport

Extraordinary renditions are not so extraordinary and Received Opinion is ON IT!

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Sonic cannonade of anti-music. On the screen behind UPRIGHT, a limited-animation cartoon of a U.S. map, with a man in judge’s robes angrily waving a gavel at DONALD TRUMP, who throws airliners like paper planes from the east coast with one hand while giving the judge the finger with the other. Chyron: ADJUDICATE THIS!]

More controversy in Washington this weekend as President Trump and Attorney General Pam Bondi sent a planeload of suspected Venezuelan criminals to a prison in El Salvador despite a court order to hold the flights. The White House claimed they did not violate the court order, at first saying the planes had already left U.S. airspace, then saying the President had the authority to remove the Venezuelans despite the court order; and later, U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth went still further at McClellan’s Retreat near Dupont Circle:

[CUT TO the bar interior, with mood lighting and music playing as HEGSETH, wearing what looks like a frogman outfit and a captain’s hat cocked at a rakish angle, surrounded by Secret Service agents and gesturing with a tumbler full of brown liquid.]

HEGSETH: We can repatriotize, repatronize, re-PAY-triate whoever the [BLEEP] we want. We see someone and we think he’s a gangbanger, like if we decide that little squatty-body bar-back over there is one o’ them La-TEEN-o gangzabangers — [draws finger across his throat, makes guttural noise] You’re outta here! And no [BLEEP] black-robed master can say [BLEEP] about it. Now if you’ll excuse me I wanna get back to my [brandishing drink] non-alcoholic Macallan 30!

[HEGSETH and the agents laugh. HEGSETH gives the finger to the camera, which the network pixelates. CUT TO UPRIGHT in the studio, next to the Decision Desk, at which sit PEONI DOYENNE, wearing an eclipse blue Back Halo “Jackie O” jumpsuit with a Van Cleef & Arpels gold Frivole pendant and ballet flats; CHAFE DRAMATURGY, wearing a Kalki Jacquard Indowestern Set with patterned jacket and mandarin collar, and Keds; and a man who, yet again, is obviously Trump deputy chief of staff for policy/Nazi STEPHEN MILLER wearing an undistinguished suit and a fake wig and mustache like George C. Scott had in Hardcore.]

UPRIGHT: A bold policy statement. Does this mean the President has the authority to send anyone he likes to a Latin American prison camp? Let’s ask our Decision Desk experts and since this fellow identified on my card as “illegal immigration expert José Rodriguez” is obviously our old friend Stephen Miller of the Trump administration, let’s get it over with: Steve, why should Trump be able to deport anyone he likes regardless of the law.

MILLER: I do not appreciate your mocking tone, Upright. You know we have plans for you of the Lügenpresse.

[MILLER jerks his head toward DRAMATURGY, who is giggling.]

I do not see what is so funny, Herr Dramaturgy!

DRAMATURGY: Sorry, Steve, you just look like one of the guys at my deli!

MILLER: Yes, we know about your friend at the deli. Perhaps you will not see him when you go for your egg and cheese on a roll tomorrow. [To DOYENNE] And you, La Doyenne, that cardiology resident of whom you are so fond — Ashofta, is it? We also take doctors, you know.

DOYENNE: Oh, this is ridiculous, Steven! We’re all friends here, we all want what’s best for the country, but I must say you’re not doing this administration any favors —

MILLER: ACHTUNG!

[MILLER stands abruptly, causing his wig to shift; he readjusts it.]

DRAMATURGY: Now he looks like a sheepdog.

[DRAMATURGY and DOYENNE laugh. MILLER hurls the wig and mustache to the floor, rants, waves his arms:]

You fools! Acting as if we are friends because we were polite to you because we had to be! But those days are over! [Pointing at DRAMATURGY] I can have you expelled just for wearing that ridiculous costume! Herr Modi will happily make room in one of his prisons for you! All of you should beg the forgiveness of the Leader on bended knee, or expect to end your days in a filthy cell with your heads on a chopping block!

[MILLER stomps off.]

DRAMATURGY: [Calls after MILLER] Steve, we still on for Thursday night?

DOYENNE: What’s gotten into him?

DRAMATURGY: Stress, I imagine.

DOYENNE: I mean he’s acting like a radical left caricature of this administration.

DRAMATURGY: Not that anyone listens to the radical left.

UPRIGHT: Speaking of which, when we come back from our commercial break, Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer will be here to tell us why it’s the children who are wrong.

[The first trump of the apocalypse sounds, freezes, jitters like an old skipping CD; camera shakes, blurs, goes black.]