A touch of color

Ron DeSantis considers a diversity inititiative

[The State Reception Room at the Florida Governor’s mansion, a colorful blend of Federal, Plantation, and High-End Extended Stay Hotel Styles. RON DeSANTIS, wearing a nice dark blue Prada suit, light blue shirt with red tie and Bruno Magli loafers, sits with SENATOR TIM SCOTT, dressed identically but for black Amberjack shoes. They each have iced tea.]

SCOTT: But we get a lot of rain, so keeping up the lawns is mostly a matter of cutting it back.

DeSANTIS: Us too.

SCOTT: [Jocularly] I bet you pay more for it, though.

DeSANTIS: [Grins] No doubt. [Holding the grin] So. The rumors. Are they true?

SCOTT: I could ask you the same thing.

DeSANTIS: Well, you’d be a formidable candidate, Tim.

SCOTT: So would you, Ron.

DeSANTIS: The Party could do much worse.

SCOTT: Well, they could, they very well could.

[They both laugh a little.]

So it’s probably a good idea for the more sensible candidates to work together and present a united front politically.

DeSANTIS: What do you mean, Tim?

SCOTT: For one thing, I intend to make it clear that in terms of policy, there’s no significant difference between what most of us believe. For example, your education policies here in Florida. I think they’re great, and, I guess you saw, I’m trying to implement them on a national level.

DeSANTIS: Even the parts about African-American history, Tim?

SCOTT: Oh, especially those! Now, I know I’ll take a lot of hits for that — the Democrats calling me an Uncle Tom and all that. But it’s what I believe.

DeSANTIS: What Democrats are calling you an Uncle Tom, Tim?

SCOTT: Excuse me?

DeSANTIS: You said the Democrats are calling you an Uncle Tom. I was just curious —

SCOTT: That’s beside the point, Ron. Look. What’s on point is that the sensible candidates in this election ought to support one another and not go giving our friend from Palm Beach an opening.

DeSANTIS: Uh huh.

SCOTT: I’m speaking frankly now.

DeSANTIS: OK.

SCOTT: Because if I were to, for example, suggest that I supported the College Board on the issue of AP classes, that would create a gap that, I will be frank, that Donald Trump could use — either by attacking you or by attacking me, depending on who he wanted to knock off first.

DeSANTIS: I think, if you did that? Then he would just come for you.

SCOTT: Don’t be so sure, Ron. He’s been saying a lot of crazy stuff. And he knows parents like the AP classes.

[Pause.]

DeSANTIS: Of course, a good reason for candidates to keep their stories straight, you might say, is there’d be less trouble when it came time to choose a Vice President.

[SCOTT looks at DeSANTIS, nods silently.]

I have no doubt, if you were to become the nominee and then you asked me to get on the ticket with you, we wouldn’t have any problems.

[SCOTT nods. Long pause, during which neither man moves. Finally.]

SCOTT: And I could say the same.

DeSANTIS: Same as what, Tim?

SCOTT: Same as you.

DeSANTIS: Same as me about what, Tim?

SCOTT: If you asked me on your ticket… there would be no trouble.

[Pause.]

DeSANTIS: Interesting. DeSantis/Scott. Nice ring. Well. I tell you what, Tim, I’ll scan your positions over the weekend. Should be no problem. From what I’ve seen so far it should be smooth sailing.

[DeSANTIS gets up. SCOTT follows suit.]

Very exciting. OK, I know you’re busy. [Calls off] Juan, the Senator’s ready. [To SCOTT] Really good to see you again.

[They shake hands. SCOTT looks very serious and holds the handshake.]

SCOTT: I’m sure you see the advantages.

DeSANTIS: I do, I see the advantages.

SCOTT: Two white guys ain’t gonna make it, Ron. I’m telling you. You want to win this thing, it’s gonna be Amos and DeSanty.

[SCOTT releases DeSANTIS’ hand, which DeSANTIS rubs.]

DeSANTIS: That’s quite a grip you have there, Tim.

SCOTT: See you on the flip.

[SCOTT leaves. Pause. DeSANTIS peers after SCOTT. Then he steps to a nearby door, opens it, calls out:]

DeSANTIS: OK.

[NIKKI HALEY enters, wearing tasteful earrings, bracelets, and a gold chain, a black skirt-suit with a white ruffled blouse with a bow in front, and black low-heel Holly 60 pumps. She carries an iced tea and looks angry.]

HALEY: You knew he was coming today.

DeSANTIS: I got my dates mixed up. I do it all the time.

HALEY: Bullshit! You wanted me to see the competition. Like I don’t know Tim Scott’s running for Vice! Everyone knows that!

DeSANTIS: Relax, Nikki. If the choice is you and him, it’s you all the way.

HALEY: Sure. Why take someone who’s just black when you can get someone who’s black and a woman?

DeSANTIS: Though to tell the truth, Nikki, Tim’s a lot blacker than you.

[HALEY stares at him, aghast.]

Then again, so’s Byron Donalds.

[HALEY downs the last of her iced tea, puts it on an endtable.]

HALEY: [yells off] Juan! I’m ready.

DeSANTIS: Hang on a minute, Nikki, have biscuits with me. He might still be out there.

HALEY: I don’t give a shit.

[HALEY starts to go, then turns around.]

I don’t know why you didn’t make him grovel more. You get off on that, don’t you? Humiliating people?

DeSANTIS: Is that a deal-breaker, Nikki?

HALEY: [With a sigh] I worked for Donald Trump for two years. What do you think?

[HALEY turns and leaves. Pause. DeSANTIS goes upstage and opens another door. CONGRESSMAN BYRON DONALDS, wearing a grey herringbone three-piece suit, a big blue-with-gold-dots bow tie, and Attorney Derby midnight blue suede leather shoes, comes charging in.]

DONALDS: What the fuck was that? What’re you trying on here, man?

[DeSANTIS puts his hand on DONALDS’ shoulder.]

DeSANTIS: Byron, I think you just might be black enough for this job. Come on — let’s get you some motherfucking iced tea.

[CURTAIN.]