As Much As I Could Stand of the Debate

Sorry, best I can do is 45 minutes

I come in during an… impassioned National Anthem and a pained smile on Asa Hutchinson’s face, which sets the tone.

The “Midwest” theme is set by a cowboy-sounding narrator (the debate is actually in Milwaukee, not Fort Worth) talkin’ ‘bout plain folks and beer and cheese, followed by footage, of course, of protestors and flames representing 2020.

Candidates announced; crowd screams like it has electrodes up its ass.

Now an anti-Biden commercial within the program! And a plug for/clip of “Rich Men North of Richmond,” with screams. “Washington D.C. is about 100 miles north of Richmond,” notes Whatshername the Blonde. They’re actually going to make this a question. Governor DeSantis, why do you think this song — “WE MUST SEND JOE BIDEN BACK TO HIS BASEMENT” (SCREAMS). His new strategy: Yelling.

The others are also loud and mostly ignore the question, which seems to be the general M.O.

Christie is trying the I Can Win in a Blue State bit. He’s going slow and reasonable (and hoarse) because he knows, just like everyone knows, that he’ll never be president, not with this Trump-sucking crowd. But he ends on an anti-union note, so they’re on his side.

Scott gets a welfare question. In addition to loud, he’s talking faster than he used to, which is good, because it makes him sounds less like a dummy (also less Southern), though not entirely, because he sounds like all the other candidates on the stage — a high-pressure politician who’s losing his voice.

Ramaswamy gets the Who The Fuck Are You softball. But he’s still pushing like a punk who got the big meeting: “I’m an entrepreneur… made billions of dollars.” He in fact sounds methed up, which I guess is supposed to be a signifier for youth.

Haley tries the “stop the spending” bit, is against even the COVID stimulus, and points out that Trump signed onto the debt packages, which caused a momentary inversion in the energy of the room.

Pence is asked about the economy, and answers that he and Trump added three conservatives to the Supreme Court to defend the right to life. Crowd loves it! “You’ve got people on this stage who won’t talk about Social Security and Medicare,” he adds, but does not follow through by denouncing these programs as ungodly and demanding they be replaced with the Widow’s Mite.

Ramaswamy yells, “Burn! Frack!... The only war that I will declare as President will be the war on the federal administrative state!” The crowd loves it, but he really seems nuts. Pence says, “we don’t need a rookie in the White House.” Ramaswamy laughs it off. Well, of course. He’s made billions of dollars, what does he care? (Bloomberg’s at home going “that’s how I should have done it.”)

DeSantis is against the COVID “lockdown” (doesn’t mention the stimulus, though!). Ramaswamy comes back, calling all the other candidates “SuperPAC puppets” — crowd boos! —and cries “do you want revolution?” Crowd seems only mildly in favor of revolution; maybe 55-45.

Burgum does a “break a leg” joke, then goes to energy policy, which seems to depress the room until he adds “green” and “China.” This crowd loves its buzzwords.

Hutchinson: I’m pro-life, I created a surplus, I shrunk the government. (Left hanging: Yeah, but it’s Arkansas.) C’mon man, where’s the buzzwords? Ah, “administrative state.”

I begin to wonder if the crowd can keep up this energy level.

Hah ha, now a climate change question from some kid. DeSantis yells that Biden was rude to Hawaii. Vivek says the other candidates are “bought and paid for” and climate change is a fraud. Christie calls him a fraud “like Obama”. Haley takes the opportunity of the chaos, hauls out the “want something done ask a woman” line. Yes, there’s climate change but China China China (also India). The consensus is that climate change exists and is someone else’s problem.

Baier actually asks Scott if he’s bought and paid for. Scott says no, goes on with his “restoring hope” yak.

Here’s the abortion part. Whatshername reads the electoral toll. Haley says she’s pro-life and gets applause, and then throws the bullshit: “It’s personal for every woman and man… [a total ban] will take 60 votes… can’t we all agree that we should ban late abortions…”

DeSantis says he won a landslide and believes in a culture of life and loved his kids’ sonograms and also claims Democrats allow abortion “all the way up to the moment of birth.” Asked about a national ban, he waffles but says “culture of life.”

Pence says “I gave my life to Jesus Christ” and gets a wavelet of applause. “It’s not a states-only issue, it’s a moral issue.” His shtick is a “pain-capable” ban (so-called) — 15 weeks, which seems late for a guy who, you know, thinks abortion is murder. Pence claims 70% of Americans favor his position, for him a rare appeal to the (alleged) will of the People rather than the Almighty.

Whatshername hastens to insert that Democrats are for Abortion Up To The Moment of Birth, in case anyone missed it, because the hosts know at least as well as the candidates what the buzzwords are.

Burgum tries a 10^th Amendment argument against a federal ban. And people love it — they know it’s about the Constitution! They all have copies! And maybe this is the cop-out that’ll get this albatross off their necks!

But Hutchinson disagrees, “Arkansas is the most pro-life state,” which is the first #1 I’ve heard of Arkansas ever getting besides tetanus and incest. He’s also the first one to try the “let’s have maternal care” dodge.

“We can’t let states like New York, California, and Illinois have abortion up until the moment of birth,” cries Scott. Keep up the good work, guys.

They’re about to get to crime. “Cities are in crisis, people are moving out,” etc. But you know what? I’ve had enough. Maybe I’ll miss Ramaswamy talking about who did 9/11, or Scott totally losing his voice and having to use a speak-and-spell, or gunplay. But that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

There is one thing that I’m pretty sure won’t change after I leave: I don’t think anyone, even the screamers, even the crazy people, expects to see a president come out of this.

The frenzied pace and loudness of the thing I suppose they like and are excited by — they’re Fox News viewers, after all; the ads are on now, and more than ever they look like something out of a neurological experiment to me — and Trump made the kayfabe and trash-talk de rigueur. But it really feels like the debate is post-presidential — not only in the sense that Trump isn’t here, but in the sense that the debate is not about electing one. Trump’s famous absence adds to it, because it underlines that they need him more than he needs them. But even if Brett Baier and Whatshername make them all say at some point whether they love Trump (yes, I know all but Christie and Hutchinson said they’d support him as the nominee, regardless of legal status) or whether they disagree with Trump, and if they were pelted with rotten vegetables if they answered wrong, aside from reporters and obsessives I don’t think anyone really cares. This is not a presidential debate. It’s a trunk show of the Republican Party in 2023 — loud, fast, and out of control.