[TRUMP in front of a bunch of flags, accompanied by Associate Supreme Court Justice SAM ALITO in his judicial robes, holding a medium-sized black leather pouch embossed with the letters DJT and a cruciform in red. Both look directly at the camera. TRUMP is obviously reading from a prompter but also ad libbing.]
TRUMP: I’m proud to be partnering with Sam Alito, Judge Sam or Justice Sam, with a special offer for Americans in the Catholic faith.
You know last week I came out with a terrific thing, a Bible, the God Bless the USA Bible for all Christians who love Jesus and Lee Greenwood and I’m sure that’s all of you.
But there are some very special people, some of them, on top of being Christian, they’re also Catholic, Roman Catholic, some would say.
Personally I’m a non-denominay, denominee, a non-dominion nominational Christian person, so is Melania. In my religion we don’t have statues or incense or any of what Catholics pray to.
But I respect my Catholic friends like the Judge here, and the bartenders at the Trump hotels, Irish most of them, all here legally by the way. Plus we have Catholic guys straightening out the courts so we don’t have fake laws like what they try to pin on me.
And that’s what’s beautiful about the Catholics. They’re tough. Like those nuns, right, Sam? They used the metal ruler on you, that’s how come you’re on the Supreme Court, it’s not for sissies, except well let’s not get into it.
[ALITO’s eyes dart; he smiles slightly, looks away, then becomes serious again and returns his gaze to camera.]
Reminds me of a joke I’ll tell you later. But folks, if you’re Catholic, you go to church and get in the box and tell the priest your sins, three Hail Marys, get your little cracker and it’s hunky dory. That’s the sacraments, that and the kid thing like where they slap you, which also makes you tough, and let me tell you some of my bartenders look like they went back for seconds.
But there’s one sacrament nobody talks about, called extreme unction. It’s like the secret weapon of sacraments. Because if you’re so sick you might not make it, the priest comes and gives you the unction, and that’s it, you go to heaven, no question asked.
It’s not a drawn-out thing like you go to confession, then you go home, then you go back and get the cracker, blah blah blah. This is all one fell swoop. OK, Sam, unzip so the people can see.
[ALITO obliges, revealing typical compact extreme unction kit accoutrements. Camera goes for a tight shot of this.]
OK, you see there, we got the cross, the little round box where they keep the cracker, a Viacom they call it, the ribbon the guy puts on, and the thing for the oil, I almost forgot this, this oil, it’s like magic, if you’re too sick for the whole thing, even if you’re already dead, then the priest rubs it on you and bing bang boom, you go to heaven. Amazing.
And you want to have this around because, let me tell you, folks, a lot of the priests today, it’s not their fault but they don’t teach extreme unction in schools anymore. It’s like cursive. Which I think is a shame.
[Camera goes back to TRUMP and ALITO again.]
So you’re at death’s door, your wife calls the priest but he doesn’t have one of these, you’re up the creek and you know the creek I mean. By the time the guy says Our Father you’re in hell.
You got one of these in the house, the priest comes, says sorry I don’t have the extreme unction, you hand it to him and you tell him, you don’t even have to bless the oil, because it’s already consummated by the priests at the factory.
And I’ll tell you, this is not official, but some very big Catholics tell me, names you would recognize, bishops and popes, they say you don’t even need the priest. If he’s not home or stuck in traffic, you can have your wife or kids or groundskeeper rub the consummated oil on and you go to heaven.
Now I know a lot of you, let’s face it, you’re no spring chicken. The end can come any time. So you can’t afford to take chances. OK, Sam you can close it up, let ‘em look at the logo again.
[ALITO does so.]
There you go. Beautiful leather work, we got Italians to do it, like Michelangelo, the best. I’ll tell you something else: Order in the next eight hours and we’ll throw in a scapular, this beautiful necklace it’s OK for men to wear, show ‘em, Sam.
[ALITO, with difficulty, fishes out of his robe a scapular he’s wearing around his neck.]
We got all different kinds, colors and little sayings. But it’s not just for show because, you kiss the little medal every day and guess what, just in case you miss your extreme unction you get 500 days off your sentence in hell. And that’s for every time you kiss it so it adds up, and when it runs out you can figure out something else.
Anyway go to the website, pick out your scapular, send the very reasonable price for the extreme unction and it’s all on its way to your home. You won’t have to worry about hell or anything else and let me tell you something: When we get back in the White House next year there won’t be room in hell for us, because we’re sending all the Democrats there. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless Jesus!
"...you’re up the creek and you know the creek I mean."
The Maestro was going so good up to this point. Of course BLOTUS would say shit's creek.
Anyway, relevant and mandatory:
https://whowhatwhy.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/image1-copy-11.jpg
"It’s like cursive. Which I think is a shame."
Nobel-Prize material right there.
As gods are my witnesses, when I first heard the term Roman Catholic I envisioned gangs of 'em, wandering the countryside, pillaging, unctioning...whatever...
Roamin' anyway...