As gods are my witnesses, when I first heard the term Roman Catholic I envisioned gangs of 'em, wandering the countryside, pillaging, unctioning...whatever...
I bet you're right, there's a patron saint of the internet, and he lived from 560-636AD, when not a lot of internettin' was goin' on. I feel sorry for these saints that just keep getting new things to patronize piled on, and whose job is it to explain to a guy alive in 600AD what the internet even is? If Ted Stevens wasn't burning in Hell, he could do the job: "Well, Isidore, it's like a set of tubes..."
It's likely many of the saints were either chewing on plants with a psychedelic effect or had untreated mental health issues. From a secular viewpoint, anyway.
Well then, St Bernard*! Per Dizzy, St Bernards' Waltz is the hippest in all creation. Because St Bernard's Waltz (the 'Bernard's' is pronounced BERN-ard's with a hard Bern) goes like this: "DUH duh duh, DUH duh duh, Duh – DUH DUH!"
*not my actual name, but I imagine you can see that it's close enough for non-governmental (indeed, legally untaxable) work.
So there’s actually a Scottish-and-English sequence dance for St. Bernard’s Waltz” - chassez, chassez, chassez, stamp stamp, repeat in other direction, do a little more, waltz around.. I’m considering teaching it at my choreographed couple dance session at the New England Folk festival later this month.
This one is a special gift to those of us raised Catholic. It’s hard to pick a favorite out of so many howlers, but I don’t think anything can top “you don’t even have to bless the oil, because it’s already consummated by the priests at the factory.” ROTFLMAO.
This was funny as hell. (though I don't guess we'll think hell is all that funny if all that mumbo-jumbo turns out to be true.
It's a chance we all take.)
I was on a business trip 25 years ago or so- I'd flown into Atlanta and they lost my luggage and I needed to pick up some dress shirts for a client meeting so I stopped by the Mall of the South. I ran in picked up a couple polo shirts in approximately the proper color. I went back out to my car and realized I locked the keys in it. I called for a locksmith who said it was going to be 3 hours. I went back into the mall Sat down the food court and had lunch.
At a table behind me we're a bunch of high school kids. They were kind of noisy as kids will be. At one point one of the guys says " You know what they say about Catholic girls!" And somebody else said " Yeah, same thing they say about your Mom. "
Please distribute to the mallkids next time you see them. But be sure you take along some unction in case they've wasted alla theirs already (which, given their histories, seems possible).
I immediately attempted to register "Teenage Penises" on the approved list of prospective band names, but found it was already accounted for in the pantheon of gay sex sites, so figured 'eh, maybe not...'
"I don't guess we'll think hell is all that funny if all that mumbo-jumbo turns out to be true." reminds me of that Steve Martin line: "they told me in college this was bullshit!"
Here's the way I look at it: when a guy ghosts you for two thousand years not only is he not that into you, it's extremely probable he was never who he said he was in the first place, lol.
Seemed as though a lot of people in every generation since believed the Jesus character was referring to their particular lifetimes. Funny how that seems to have gone the ways of gambling being a sin. The’ve pretty much gone full Grand Inquisitor nowadays. If Jesus came back the’d lynch him.
Personally I don’t recall being taught the 500 days bit, but my Catholic grade school wasn’t big on details. I just remember it as the “get out of Hell free!” necklace. Per the tiny print on it, all I had to do was die wearing it and I win eternal life! Now, even to what must have been around 8-10 year old me this seemed a bit iffy, like, does this mean I can kill someone but avoid the consequences if I die with my magic necklace on? My religion teachers assured me this was not the case, to which I replied, well, then what’s the point? Usually they just sighed and told me to go sit down and shut up.
At the bottom of the page showing the unction kit is a heading for Affordable Chausables. That appeals to me: instead of my hit or miss attempts with imperfectly magisterial caftans, I could waft about the house in my Affordable Chausable, confidently excommunicating belligerant family members.
It's all for people who have a 14th-Century peasant's understanding of government. Uh, there's a King, see, and he does... stuff, and the Lord up at the castle who owns everything I don't know why, stop asking stupid questions, look Dennis, some lovely filth down here!
I personally wouldn't mind being the Duchess of Duchess County, because it sounds so ridiculous. I'd have to move upstate, though. Otherwise, when the Duchess is away the peons will play.
Somewhere in the vast fields of heavens reserved for the sternly righteous yet deeply flawed, Martin Luther struts about, waving this column and bragging to all his friends, "Told ya!"
For example, Luther said some really atrocious antisemitic stuff in his later life (he was a medieval German after all) yet he also thought the book of Revelation didn’t belong in the Bible. What I’m saying is Protestantism is a land of contrasts.
I misread “extreme unction” as “extreme unicorn,” which works nicely as well for paragraphs ten plus.
In fact I recovered at once, but Don will often double down; finding himself in my pickle, improvisation might lead him to insist that yes, it’s extreme unicorn, or relax, I was joking about Biden. Fake news, amen.
"Extreme, extreme... unc... extreme uncation, that's for the kids, extreme, they like the extreme things, the extreme uncle that we will bring them..."
Thanks for this, as a former Catholic, I feel my creepy co-religionists don't get enough of the blame, which mostly gets deflected to the Evangelicals. And sure, it's the Evangelicals you send in when you want to beat up some cops and hang the Vice President, but it's the Catholics doin' all the important court decisions.
LOL, yeah. Terrible how some people are all fixated on gender to the point they've got a whole "ideology" about it. Next thing you know they'll be saying only men can do certain jobs, the ideologues.
This weekend was end of month Criterion Channel Death March (as I've seen schedule change time described on Reddit). So I watched The Devils before it left. Just a reminder that Catholics have the most experience at marrying Church and State.
There was an excellent tweet that I can’t find anymore that pointed out the difference between normal Catholics and conservative/convert Catholics that went something like this:
“Every normal cradle Catholic is like ‘I think we’re supposed to feed the poor’ and every convert/conservative one is like 'The High Holy Cardinal of the Byzantine explained in his masterwork Summa Fides why women shouldn’t have driver’s licenses.'”
"...you’re up the creek and you know the creek I mean."
The Maestro was going so good up to this point. Of course BLOTUS would say shit's creek.
Anyway, relevant and mandatory:
https://whowhatwhy.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/image1-copy-11.jpg
Thanks for that, also for WhoWhatWhy, which is new to me.
He wouldn't be able to get through "extreme unction" neither.
extreme unction what's your function
"It’s like cursive. Which I think is a shame."
Nobel-Prize material right there.
As gods are my witnesses, when I first heard the term Roman Catholic I envisioned gangs of 'em, wandering the countryside, pillaging, unctioning...whatever...
Roamin' anyway...
Hey, watch your mouth about Catholics, or I'll summon St. Francis de Sales, the patron saint of shitposters, to come open a can of whoop on your ass.
A proud-ish occasional occupant of the City of St Francis (dunno if he was in sales or not) I gotta beg off.
Do I get a loafa bread anyway? Hold the fish.
My name saint, St. Clare, is the patron saint of television. I shit you not.
So, muscling aside Philo T. Farnsworth then? Tough gang, those Catholics.
I think he got cheated on the royalties, no dough for Philo.
St Philo, patron saint of Greek pastry.
Doh!
My favorite is St. Jesus Malverde, patron saint of drug dealers. Truly, there is a saint for every occasion to fulfill all our saintly needs.
As a Lutheran I had no idea Saints-R-Us was so comprehensive.
I'm guessing he wasn't one of the original ones.
Dunno 'bout that, but I was taught that St Paul was the dude who covered thieves and beggars.
Adding here that 'taught' up there is a term too far. Maybe 'it was suggested that', or 'I dunno, man – let's go with', or 'who knows?'
He was more of a tribute saint, he covered the hits of the originals.
All the best saints are like deep album cuts.
Seems like they pile new duties onto existing saints.
A new saint! It's so hard to get them certified these days. Did her miracle involve Amos and Andy? The Little Rascals?
(In all seriousness I bet they just added TV to her docket.)
I bet you're right, there's a patron saint of the internet, and he lived from 560-636AD, when not a lot of internettin' was goin' on. I feel sorry for these saints that just keep getting new things to patronize piled on, and whose job is it to explain to a guy alive in 600AD what the internet even is? If Ted Stevens wasn't burning in Hell, he could do the job: "Well, Isidore, it's like a set of tubes..."
https://catholicism.org/patron-saint-for-the-internet-isidore-of-seville.html
Isidore looking down: SMH
Isidore of Seville! Couldn't he be patron saint of Cadillacs?
This is so clever — Isidore's Etymologies was a book about everything, but also mostly filled with erroneous info. So it really tracks.
Did it have One Weird Trick for Rock-Hard Abs?
Yep. She's been around.
Because she enabled people to see visions from a distance and therefore made them Clare-voyant.
Staaahp, lol.
It's likely many of the saints were either chewing on plants with a psychedelic effect or had untreated mental health issues. From a secular viewpoint, anyway.
Or vapors...?
OOF.
Name saints are a thing?
Well then, St Bernard*! Per Dizzy, St Bernards' Waltz is the hippest in all creation. Because St Bernard's Waltz (the 'Bernard's' is pronounced BERN-ard's with a hard Bern) goes like this: "DUH duh duh, DUH duh duh, Duh – DUH DUH!"
*not my actual name, but I imagine you can see that it's close enough for non-governmental (indeed, legally untaxable) work.
So there’s actually a Scottish-and-English sequence dance for St. Bernard’s Waltz” - chassez, chassez, chassez, stamp stamp, repeat in other direction, do a little more, waltz around.. I’m considering teaching it at my choreographed couple dance session at the New England Folk festival later this month.
That kinda tracks.
Here's Dizzy, with George Matthews and a squirrel, explaining the world and other things, with brief musical interlude:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCFWzsAPEZ4
Mostly in the Middle East.
This one is a special gift to those of us raised Catholic. It’s hard to pick a favorite out of so many howlers, but I don’t think anything can top “you don’t even have to bless the oil, because it’s already consummated by the priests at the factory.” ROTFLMAO.
The Viacom.
Jesus, Roy.
Jesus.
This was funny as hell. (though I don't guess we'll think hell is all that funny if all that mumbo-jumbo turns out to be true.
It's a chance we all take.)
I was on a business trip 25 years ago or so- I'd flown into Atlanta and they lost my luggage and I needed to pick up some dress shirts for a client meeting so I stopped by the Mall of the South. I ran in picked up a couple polo shirts in approximately the proper color. I went back out to my car and realized I locked the keys in it. I called for a locksmith who said it was going to be 3 hours. I went back into the mall Sat down the food court and had lunch.
At a table behind me we're a bunch of high school kids. They were kind of noisy as kids will be. At one point one of the guys says " You know what they say about Catholic girls!" And somebody else said " Yeah, same thing they say about your Mom. "
2 marks!
Please distribute to the mallkids next time you see them. But be sure you take along some unction in case they've wasted alla theirs already (which, given their histories, seems possible).
Have no compunction about the unction...
So their teenage penises will make it to heaven, at least.
I immediately attempted to register "Teenage Penises" on the approved list of prospective band names, but found it was already accounted for in the pantheon of gay sex sites, so figured 'eh, maybe not...'
Teenage Mutant Ninja Penises?
Are you asking me?
"Cause if so, pass.
Hard pass.
I bet there's fan fiction bearing that title
"Conjunction Unction, what's your function?/Working on crazies and treasonous clauses. . ."
(I know this mall--used to call it the Breeder's Mall because every third person there was pushing a stroller.)
Yoicks! Anything relatable to the "Breeders Cup"?
"I don't guess we'll think hell is all that funny if all that mumbo-jumbo turns out to be true." reminds me of that Steve Martin line: "they told me in college this was bullshit!"
In that event we will all have egg on our faces, and fried egg at that.
That 'fried' is what makes it cherce.
Here's the way I look at it: when a guy ghosts you for two thousand years not only is he not that into you, it's extremely probable he was never who he said he was in the first place, lol.
He ghosted you, yeah, but at least it was a holy ghosting.
Rimshot, please!
Now that you are wholly ghosted, whatcha doin fer dinner tonight?
I see what you did there.
I'll buy. You payin'?
After he promised to return within his followers' lifetime.
Seemed as though a lot of people in every generation since believed the Jesus character was referring to their particular lifetimes. Funny how that seems to have gone the ways of gambling being a sin. The’ve pretty much gone full Grand Inquisitor nowadays. If Jesus came back the’d lynch him.
“The Viacom” was my first audible laugh of the week…
Can indulgences be that far behind? He already sold pardons.
[insert a reply too obvious]
Next time I reread Chaucer’s Pardoner’s Tale, the Pardoner is going to be a braying orange circus peanut with cotton candy hair.
Should get you a ™. Just a few days ago, I was trying to remember who came up with such perfect descriptors.
*blushing*
I'm confused by the scapular math. How does eternity minus 500 days equal anything less than eternity? Or do you get a deferment?
Steve? Steve?
Where's a maths person when you need 'em?
In school they told us that was for purgatory. I'm assuming Tubby's comprehension doesn't stretch that far.
Personally I don’t recall being taught the 500 days bit, but my Catholic grade school wasn’t big on details. I just remember it as the “get out of Hell free!” necklace. Per the tiny print on it, all I had to do was die wearing it and I win eternal life! Now, even to what must have been around 8-10 year old me this seemed a bit iffy, like, does this mean I can kill someone but avoid the consequences if I die with my magic necklace on? My religion teachers assured me this was not the case, to which I replied, well, then what’s the point? Usually they just sighed and told me to go sit down and shut up.
"Would that then be a sin then, Fadda?" George Carlin was a genius.
Just 25 cents short...
HT Father Guido
Pffft. What kind of wimpy Catholic online store doesn’t sell the Discipline? And not a single cilise in the apparel section. Hmmph.
At the bottom of the page showing the unction kit is a heading for Affordable Chausables. That appeals to me: instead of my hit or miss attempts with imperfectly magisterial caftans, I could waft about the house in my Affordable Chausable, confidently excommunicating belligerant family members.
„…already consummated by the priests at the factory“. To coin a phrase, Jeebus. XD
Another word for "Holy Oil" is "Lube."
An obvious next step for a career grifter, the selling of indulgences being the ultimate loophole.
91 Indictments > 95 Theses
If he gets re-elected he'll be sellin' made-up shit like the Dukedom of Western Nevada. Do you want to be Count of Long Island? Call now!
Yep, it's all pretty much Performance Art at this point.
It's all for people who have a 14th-Century peasant's understanding of government. Uh, there's a King, see, and he does... stuff, and the Lord up at the castle who owns everything I don't know why, stop asking stupid questions, look Dennis, some lovely filth down here!
I personally wouldn't mind being the Duchess of Duchess County, because it sounds so ridiculous. I'd have to move upstate, though. Otherwise, when the Duchess is away the peons will play.
Also, Sir Kid Rock. Lord Kanye, etc.
At least Duke, Count, Earl and The Pres are already accounted for.
If only abortions were as simple as the DJT unction!
Somewhere in the vast fields of heavens reserved for the sternly righteous yet deeply flawed, Martin Luther struts about, waving this column and bragging to all his friends, "Told ya!"
Protestantism, leading as it did to Evangelical Christianity, has a LOT to answer for.
It's the religion of capitalism
True, although capitalism is tired of just owning a religion, and is deciding it wants to BE the religion.
I think we've indulged them enough already.
(My kidnapped-from-Africa-and-forcibly-converted ancestors nod in agreement.)
For example, Luther said some really atrocious antisemitic stuff in his later life (he was a medieval German after all) yet he also thought the book of Revelation didn’t belong in the Bible. What I’m saying is Protestantism is a land of contrasts.
A rich tapestry, in fact.
Hearted, but you spelled travesty incorrectly
Pitch perfect, and very funny.
I misread “extreme unction” as “extreme unicorn,” which works nicely as well for paragraphs ten plus.
In fact I recovered at once, but Don will often double down; finding himself in my pickle, improvisation might lead him to insist that yes, it’s extreme unicorn, or relax, I was joking about Biden. Fake news, amen.
"Donnie, get outta my pickle!"
is the new
"Get thee behind me, satan"
Don't hang around, because two's a crowd
"Extreme, extreme... unc... extreme uncation, that's for the kids, extreme, they like the extreme things, the extreme uncle that we will bring them..."
"The Uncle, the Uncle, the Man From UNCLE, on streaming video, we all love the streaming, don't we folks?"
I'd like extremely to unct him. Only I'd request he be sent in the opposite direction. 😅
Thanks for this, as a former Catholic, I feel my creepy co-religionists don't get enough of the blame, which mostly gets deflected to the Evangelicals. And sure, it's the Evangelicals you send in when you want to beat up some cops and hang the Vice President, but it's the Catholics doin' all the important court decisions.
They're the ones we have to "thank" for the term "gender ideology".
LOL, yeah. Terrible how some people are all fixated on gender to the point they've got a whole "ideology" about it. Next thing you know they'll be saying only men can do certain jobs, the ideologues.
[slaps hands over ears] MO-om! They're sayin' female stuff agin!
This weekend was end of month Criterion Channel Death March (as I've seen schedule change time described on Reddit). So I watched The Devils before it left. Just a reminder that Catholics have the most experience at marrying Church and State.
The Ken Russell batch was excellent. But boo to no director's cut on The Devils!
There was an excellent tweet that I can’t find anymore that pointed out the difference between normal Catholics and conservative/convert Catholics that went something like this:
“Every normal cradle Catholic is like ‘I think we’re supposed to feed the poor’ and every convert/conservative one is like 'The High Holy Cardinal of the Byzantine explained in his masterwork Summa Fides why women shouldn’t have driver’s licenses.'”
Raised-Catholic says, "Wait, you actually READ that shit? Why do you think they put it in LATIN?"
I'm still stuck tryna figure out what the vest meant.
God bless Jesus! Why didn't I think of that?
Also "your groundskeeper." This is brill.
Only when Jesus sneezes.
Jesus sneezes! Why didn't I think of that?
Call in Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor!
Time to stop suffering and write that symphony!
Oh Cosmo!
I’m waiting for the Trump Alb, with the words “Oh, Come, All Ye Faithful” in fake embroidery.
I hope they aren't joyful and triumphant