Brown noosing

Republicans do what they can with the nominee

[Senate hearings, which apparently, from the weary smile of JUDGE KETANJI BROWN JACKSON, have been going for some time.]

SENATOR MARSHA BLACKBURN: And you have to understand, Ms. Brown, that we are sent here by the people of our states to do our due diligence, and that is why we have been here for, what, I think, a few days or —

SENATOR DICK DURBIN: [Hoarsely] Seven days.

BLACKBURN: [Peeved] Well you don’t have to say it like that. Now this is just the sort of thing I’m talking about. Leftist intolerance, like with Griswold in Connecticut when they made all those girls take pills. I have to say, Ms. Brown, the American people will not put up with it much longer. I mean the intolerance. This hearing will go on until we get to, to the bottom of things. Do you understand, Ms. Brown?

BROWN: Yes, Senator.

BLACKBURN: Well, good. OK, Ted.

SENATOR TED CRUZ: [His voice immediately pitched into community-theatre-production-of-Shenandoah register] Judge Brown — and I don’t mind calling you Judge Brown, it’s a title you’re entitled to, as titles are — and I want to say, I also respect Senator Blackburn’s use of Ms. Brown, which is also an honorific, as honors are. And Senator Graham’s use of Missy, which is within his right, and as for the other — unfortunate things Senator Graham may or may not have said, you know, Mr. Chairman, I share with Judge Brown a devotion to the work of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., but I thought we had a Constitution, a Constitution with a Bill of Rights that gave us the right to speak our minds, without political correctness or cancel culture, and if we felt a certain way we expressed it, and if we’re wrong, why, that’s for history to judge, not the woke mob on Twitter. And speaking of wrong, I have to ask again, Judge Brown, can you tell me the difference between a man and a woman?

BROWN: As I explained in —

TED CRUZ: No prefatory clauses, Judge Brown, just answer the question.

BROWN: No, because —

TED CRUZ: That will do. Also, are you familiar with this book, Unbeatable Squirrel Girl Vol. 2, that I am holding in my hand?

BROWN: No, Senator.

TED CRUZ: Well, now that surprises me, Judge Brown, because I am reliably told that it is a favorite of transsexuals and others like them because it shows a woman, or a girl, claiming to be something she is not, which is a squirrel, now this is reminiscent, is it not, of male athletes who tell people that they’re girls just so they can win prizes that rightfully belong to the young female athletes, like the wonderful Lady Longhorns at the University of Texas, and the Lady Aggies of Texas A&M, brave young women empowered by Title IX, which I do not support but which I respect, young women, Judge Brown, who you claim not to recognize as women, women who, as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. might have said, should be judged by the contents of the underwear —

[Small disturbance further down the conference table.]

But I see Senator Graham has rejoined us, I will yield the floor.

[SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM unsteadily seats himself.]

GRAHAM: [Slurring] Whew doagies. This has been a day. Now, Judge Tawny or whatever you call yourself — people call themselves all sorts o’ funny made-up names now. Like Kaepernick. ‘Course Lindsey, that ain’t straight down the pipe neither, but it was a thing that was done, them days, like Percy or Bruce, if a fella gave you a hard time about it you would have to lick him. I mean in the sense of a fight. [Silently laughs.] Now Judge Tammy, I, now, how would you like it if you got beat up so bad here in the Senate, just had the snot kicked right out of you, and for years later people would say, oh so-and-so got Browned, or so-and-so-really got Browned. Maybe y’all don’t get what I’m talking about, I’m talking about Judge Bork. Good ol’… Hiram… what was it… Sal... Leroy, Leroy Bork. [Sings] Baddest man in the whole New York! [As if suddenly realizing] Now hold on, your name is Brown! Wow! Listen to this:

[GRAHAM grabs his mic, lurches into a standing position.]

[Belts] She’s bad, bad, Tawny Brown!
The pedophiles like when she’s around!
They gonna replace Steve Breyer
With another goddamn Soto-myer! Whoo!

[GRAHAM suddenly and copiously vomits, collapses.]

DURBIN: Jesus Christ! Well, that’s it until 5 a.m. Recess!

[CURTAIN.]