Bug chasers

He doesn't get viruses, he gives them

[The Oval Office. TRUMP is at his desk. Standing around him are Presidential son-in-law JARED KUSHNER, Vice-President MIKE PENCE, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infections Diseases DR. ANTHONY FAUCI, State Department AIDS/HIV Director and PENCE’s Coronavirus Response Coordinator DR. DEBORAH BIRX, and Secretary of Health and Human Servies ALEX AZAR. KUSHNER is the only one in the group wearing a N95 respirator mask, and he stands well back of everyone else.]

TRUMP: [To AZAR] So why’d you grow the beard?

[Pause. AZAR chuckles nervously.]

AZAR: Oh, well, I like to change it up, you know. I got tired of shaving. And my wife has always wondered what I’d look like with a beard. I’m not sure she likes it, but I’ve kind of —

TRUMP: That’s like three different answers. [Louder] Listen, what the hell was that about not being able to afford the vaccine?

AZAR: But Mr. President, surely you don’t want to give away the vaccine? That’s something Bernie Sanders —

TRUMP: Of course I don’t, but I don’t want to say we won’t give it away. You always tell ‘em it’s gonna be free! By the time they get the thing ready half of them won’t remember and the other half with be dead or have brain damage from this thing.

FAUCI: Mr. President, that’s not how the virus —

TRUMP: You shut up. Jared, why is he here?

KUSHNER: You wanted to yell at him too.

TRUMP: Oh yeah? Why?

KUSHNER: Because he told on you.

TRUMP: About what?

KUSHNER: That you told him to shut up.

TRUMP: How? I just did that now.

KUSHNER: No, before, you told him to shut up about the virus so Mike could talk about it instead.

TRUMP: Oh yeah, well I’m not mad about that anymore. [To FAUCI] You’re off the hook, doc. Just remember Pence does all the talking from now on. Now go make yourself scarce. Great job, by the way.

[As TRUMP continues talking to AZAR, FAUCI, confused, leaves the room.]

So listen, Al, from now on you don’t say anything about what it’ll cost or who gets it or anything else, Mike’s in charge of all that.

AZAR: I thought I was the Chairman of the Task Force.

TRUMP: Honorary title. You can put it on your resume. [To the others] Like he’s not just going back to the drug company to make another couple million!

PENCE: Sir, what about Dr. Birx?

TRUMP: Who?

PENCE: We talked about it, sir. She’s my response coordinator.

TRUMP: [Appearing to notice BIRX for the first time] Oh, hiya, sweetheart. How ya doing. Welcome to the White House. [Gestures to a cup on the desk] Here, take some pens home for your kids. [To PENCE] Mike, you two work it out but everything goes through you. You understand?

PENCE: Yes, sir.

TRUMP: I’m giving you a break here. This is your chance to make up for that AIDS fuck-up in Indiana. [To AZAR] You know about that, right? They had an epidemic and he shut down the clinics. Killed a bunch of people.

PENCE: I beg your pardon, Mr. President, but that’s just not what happened.

TRUMP: Hey, who’s President here? You or me?

PENCE: Well, that’s not really —

TRUMP: You know I can still get Nikki Haley in here, right? She’s hot for this job. I could call her right now, she’d be over here like Eric making a 3 a.m. booty call. [To BIRX] Maybe you want to get out of here, sweetheart, we’re gonna be doing man talk, could get a little rough. [To AZAR] Alex, you give her a lift home.

[Similarly to FAUCI, AZAR and BIRX eventually get the message and leave as TRUMP gets back to PENCE:]

Look, this isn’t hard. You talk to the doctors. They tell you what’s going on. Every once in a while you take what you think people can stand to hear and you make a statement. Just look tough and sound smart and no matter how many people die you’re gonna look like a million bucks. But no more of this, “Here’s the person I appointed to do the real work.” No one wants to hear that. You say, “Oh here’s Dr. This and Dr. That and Frick and Frack,” you look like you need help, you look weak, and then people come out of their houses foaming at the mouth and dropping dead and everyone will say, “Boy that Pence is a fucking idiot.” But if you just come out every once in a while, go [Makes a serious face and noises] blah blah blah, doing every we can, thank you [Normal voice] and then you go back in your hole, you’re a tough guy and those people are casualties in a war against coronavirus, not people who died because you’re an idiot. Capisce?

PENCE: Yes sir.

TRUMP: Okay, one other thing. No religion. I don’t want to hear anything about God or Jesus. You can say “God willing” once a day, tops. Because the last thing anyone wants to hear during an epidemic is how everybody should start praying. You understand?

PENCE: Yes sir. But I will pray myself, sir. I’ll pray for you.

TRUMP: Knock yourself out. Okay, see you later. Don’t forget what I told you.

[PENCE leaves. Once the door closes, TRUMP goes straight to the breakfront with his formula box. KUSHNER goes to a sofa, puts a handkerchief down, and sits.]

Jesus, what a fucking idiot. You know he calls his wife “Mother” in bed?

KUSHNER: [I-don’t-want-to-hear-this] Oh. No, I didn’t.

[TRUMP takes the box to his desk, sits, gets out a small mirror.]

TRUMP: We got spies over there, and they say he calls her “Mother” and there’s no noise except when he comes, and then it’s like someone’s torturing a monkey. Disgusting.

[TRUMP chops up some formula, gets out his metal straw and starts hoovering it up.]

KUSHNER: I thought you were pretty... uh, energized in the meeting, are you sure you need —

TRUMP: It’s like Ritalin. If you’re sleepy it wakes you up — if you’re hyper it calms you down.

KUSHNER: Oh. Or like cigarettes.

TRUMP: Ugh. Disgusting habit.

[TRUMP snorts more formula. Door opens and White House Chief of Staff MICK MULVANEY pokes his head in.]

MULVANEY: Hey! Who wants a prostitute?

TRUMP: Gimme a minute. Hey Mick, come in here a second.

MULVANEY: Nope! Got things to do.

TRUMP: You know you’re getting fired.

MULVANEY: Don’t care!

TRUMP: Fair enough.

[MULVANEY leaves.]

KUSHNER: Ugh. Why do you let him talk like that.

TRUMP: He’s got balls. Give him credit.

[TRUMP stands up. For a moment he seems to be in a trance.]

KUSHNER: You don’t — you don't really think there’ll be a lot of people who die, do you?

[Pause.]

Mr. President?

TRUMP: Who knows? They can’t kill me. And if people die, it’s all on Pence. Silver lining.

[TRUMP heads out of the office. Sings:]

I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend...

[As he passes KUSHNER he rips off his respirator mask.]

I met her in a hotel lobby, masturbating with a magazine...

[TRUMP leaves. BLACKOUT.]