But who will speak for the unnamed sources?

Biden quits, Harris rises and Bolt Upright and Received Opinion are ON IT!

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Hell-horn musical string. Screen behind UPRIGHT: limited-animation cartoon of KAMALA HARRIS pushing JOE BIDEN in a wheelchair to the edge of a cliff, giving the wheelchair a little shake, and sending him tumbling off. Caption: COUP DE KAMALA!]

All Washington is agog, not at Joe Biden’s withdrawal, about which we have been quoting unnamed sources for a month, but at the endorsements pouring in for Vice President Kamala Harris to take his place on the Democratic ticket.  The smart money was on other, less shall-we-say colorful candidates, proposed by unnamed sources.

[Screen cuts to silent B-roll footage of Mitt Romney, Joe Manchin, and others as they are named.]

Since Biden’s bad debate many, many other Democrats have been named by unnamed sources as potential replacements. But not only Democrats! Mitt Romney was proposed as the consensus candidate by Washington insider Aaron Sorkin — though he’s not an unnamed source, so maybe it doesn’t count. Also Washington insiders have been quoting unnamed sources proposing consensus centrist candidate Joe Manchin, who is now not a Democrat either, which just increases his cachet, and still more unnamed sources say Manchin is game. Other unnamed sources tell our Washington insiders that Robert F. Kennedy, George Clooney, Bill Maher, Bari Weiss, and Rollie Fingers are all poised to throw their hats in the ring — but with all the named Democrats flocking to Harris, it looks like our unnamed sources may be out of sync with the party itself — which may be the most surprising development of all! Fortunately we have the most Washington-insidery Washington insiders right here in our studio — let’s take a stroll to the Decision Desk!  

[Hideous bleat. We dolly with UPRIGHT to the Decision Desk and the usual suspects: PEONI DOYENNE, wearing a black Louis Vuitton wool crepe drawstring blazer and culottes with white high-neck ruff dress shirt, a Chan Luu indigo blue french floral cashmere and silk scarf as a belt, and silver metallic Marion Parke ballet flats; CHAFE DRAMATURGY, wearing a blue Patrick James linen sport coat, white drawstring pants, a Brunello Cucinelli purple paisley print linen sport shirt, and Sperry topsiders; and BUFF TOEHOLD, locked in a glass booth, looking rough, pacing and soundlessly talking and gesticulating, wearing an untucked white shirt and grey slacks. TOEHOLD is in his stocking feet and has a white gauze bandage taped to his right ear.]

Buff is still recovering from last week’s incident, also upon hearing of Harris’ ascension he acquired a sort of racist Tourette’s, from which we also wish him a speedy recovery. So, that’s the reason for the soundproof booth. Peoni, what say you to the prospect of President Harris?

DOYENNE: Oh, Bolt, how I wish we could have a worthy woman candidate for our nation’s highest office, someone like Liddy Dole or, or someone else who’s dead. Or Megan McCain! Why wasn’t she mentioned at the top, Bolt? All my unnamed sources think she’d be a contender.

UPRIGHT: We’ll look into the oversight, Peoni.

DOYENNE: But Kamala Harris, oh my God! Do you remember her dancing in the rain? Not very presidential if you ask me.

DRAMATURGY: And her laugh.

DOYENNE: Oooh, that laugh!

DRAMATURGY: All my unnamed sources hate her laugh.

DOYENNE: Allow me to insert here, Bolt, that unnamed sources say that Harris may not even be eligible for the presidency, if I may.

UPRIGHT: Sorry, Peoni, John Eastman is not an unnamed source and he said that in 2020.

DOYENNE: Oh pooh, Bolt, keeping score on a lady, that’s why we don’t invite you to pinochle!

DRAMATURGY: Let’s talk more about Kamala’s laugh!

DOYENNE: Well I mean maybe a certain, you know, demographic likes that, but in the circles I and my unnamed sources travel in —

DRAMATURGY: But it’s not just people like us, Peoni, the middle, well, upper, upper-upper-middle class people, Bolt —

DOYENNE: Speak for yourself, Chafe, I’m rich! [Cackles]

DRAMATURGY: — it’s also the honest sons of the soil that J.D. Vance speaks for. I’ve talked to many, many people who have talked to many many people who have talked to these real Americans. Salena Zito, for example.

DOYENNE: Oh, she’s so wonderful. Her unnamed sources, the rural ones? [Makes chef’s kiss]

[Slight pause.]

DRAMATURGY: [Half turning to the glass booth] I bet Buff doesn’t like Kamala’s laugh, either, do you, Buff?

[BUFF has gotten ahold of a grease pencil and is trying to write the N-word backwards on the front glass.]

UPRIGHT: OK. Security. Could you —

[Three GUARDS in SWAT gear and gas masks approach the booth and open the door, from which bleeped slurs emerge for a couple of seconds until the gas one of the GUARDS sprays at TOEHOLD’s head causes him to collapse. The GUARDS relock the door and leave.]

Once again, best wishes to Buff. When we come back, Jim VandeHei and Mike Allen will be in the studio to tell us how this is still bad news for Joe Biden even though he’s no longer running.

[Horrible atonal blare. Camera drone-spirals up; unnoticed by the panel, white smoke leaks from TOEHOLD’s booth, though DOYENNE can be seen to cough.]