Chemical imbalance

Trump wants in on this virus thing

[The Oval Office. Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases DR. ANTHONY FAUCI, and DR. STEPHEN HOGE, president of Moderna, are standing near the door. TRUMP is seated at the Resolute Desk. Just as when we last saw him, in addition to his usual suit TRUMP is wearing his “Commander-in-Chief” cap, now ornamented with many gold-braid stars and laurels; gold-braid epaulets on his shoulders; and medals on both sides of his chest.]

TRUMP: Will you come closer, for Christ's sake, I’m not gonna hurt you.

FAUCI: I’m quite comfortable, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Steve, come on up. You got nothing to worry about. C’mon, let’s be friends.

[HOGE looks at FAUCI, who shrugs, non-committal. HOGE walks halfway into the room.]

TRUMP: Okay. See? Was that so hard?

[TRUMP gets up, waddles slightly forward.]

So I hear you beat out those bums at Pfizer with your vaccine, right? They only got 90 percent, you got, what, 100? 200?

HOGE: 94.5 percent, but sir, that’s an efficacy rate and it’s not as simple —

TRUMP: So you’re on top, now. Enjoy it while it lasts. Live it up. People will try to tear you down. Jealous. That’s what I told Tim Hanks, you know, Tom Hanks, when he won the Oscar, and then he won it a second time, they said it couldn’t be done, he showed them all, when he played the retard.

HOGE: You know, it’s just eight participants, sir. It’s a very promising start, but —

TRUMP: There’s nothing weird about these people who got better, right? They’re not all Amish or colored or something?

HOGE: No, and, sir, they didn’t “get better,” they developed antibodies. You see that’s how vaccines work, they generate —

TRUMP: [Suddenly hostile] You think I don’t know how antibodies work? I’m the king of antibodies and I’m king of vaccines! I run this vaccine thing, goddamnit, it’s my vaccine, I run it and I get the credit. That fucker Joe Biden, shits his pants, fucking joke, joker, disgrace, he wants to take it away from me, make it look like a lot of Poindexters are in charge, making the drugs, getting the girls like Revenge of the Nerds but its all ME, you GET me, it’s ME, ME, ALL ME!

[TRUMP breathes heavily; his face is red. HOGE is stupefied.]

[Quieter] Hang on a second.

[TRUMP takes two inhalers out of his pocket, studies them.]

I forget which is which. Eh. Here goes nothin’.

[TRUMP puts one inhaler back in his pocket, puts the other to his right nostril and snorts loudly once, then does the same with the other nostril. He puts that inhaler back in his pocket. Pause.]

Guess I lucked out. [In a conspiratorial voice] OK, listen Steve, here’s what we’re gonna do. You’re gonna tell people that you and me worked on this thing together, to make it better than the other thing. Like it was just about close between you and that other guy, but then you came to me and said “Sir, we don’t know what to do” and I said I tell you what, you add in a golden drop of Retsyn, and you went and did it and you came back and you said, with tears in your eye, you said that was what did it, sir, that’s what made the vaccine like a super vaccine, and we’re gonna call it the Trump super vaccine.


HOGE: Retsyn?

TRUMP: I’m not surprised you don’t know. A lot of people don’t know. That's why you hadda have me on your team.

HOGE: Sir, that doesn’t make any sense.

TRUMP: [Truculent] Whattaya mean?

HOGE: Retsyn is what they use in Certs! Certs is a breath mint.

TRUMP: [Roaring] Certs is a candy mint! It’s two mints in one! What the fuck do you know about it, Poindexter! Listen, you’re gonna do like I say, you little shit! I’m running this fucking show! I —

[HOGE turns around and walks out of the office.]

Come back here, fucker! I’ll fire you! I’ll kill you! Come back here!

[FAUCI puts his finger to the bridge of his glasses, then leaves as well.]

Fauci! You gimme the finger! I saw what you did, you gimme the finger on your glasses! I’ll kill you too, you dago wop bastard! I’ll kill you, I’ll kill everybody!

[Pause. TRUMP is breathing hard and red again. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the two inhalers. He looks at them perplexed; then he puts one in one nostril and one in the other, and squeezes and snorts, once, twice — BLACKOUT.]