Crisis manglement

Putting out fires in the Oval

[The Oval Office. TRUMP is at the Resolute Desk, doing lines of Dr. Bornstein’s medicine. Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney enters.]

MULVANEY: Ah, having rather a large dose of that, aren’t we, sir?

TRUMP: Fuck off. [Snorts more]

MULVANEY: This is the formula, isn’t it, sir? We haven’t run out already?

[TRUMP leans back in his chair, sniffling and running his nose.]

TRUMP: Okay, I’m good. You can put that away.

[MULVANEY picks up a pewter box with red, white and blue inlay from the desk, takes it to a corner cabinet.]

MULVANEY: You seem a little upset, sir. Is anything the matter?

TRUMP: You bet there is. I’m fucked! They’re onto me!

MULVANEY: You said that when they appointed a special counsel.

[MULVANEY takes a flat stick out of his pocket and “crumbs” the Resolute Desk of medicine.]

But when the report came out you were very relieved.

TRUMP: Sure, because nobody blabbed. But this is different. They got to somebody. And I don’t know who it is so I don’t know who to kill!

[MULVANEY takes a Dustbuster out of a drawer in the Resolute Desk and turns it on to get the last of the medicine.]

MULVANEY: [Raising his voice over the Dustbuster] Don’t worry about it, sir. If push comes to shove we only have to discredit the whistleblower. You don’t have to kill —

[MULVANEY turns off and stows the Dustbuster.]

Sorry. [Quietly] You don’t have to kill anyone. Remember Dr. Blasey Ford?

TRUMP: Who?

MULVANEY: She accused Justice Kavanaugh.

TRUMP: That bitch!

MULVANEY: We’ve still got our people burying her, sir, so there’s no need that she be killed.

TRUMP: Yeah, so you say. But what if somebody gets through? Everyone will turn on me. You’ll turn on me, that’s for sure. But I still have an ace up my sleeve —

[Suddenly DONALD TRUMP JR. enters, dressed like Fredo in the Cuba scenes in The Godfather Part II. He rushes to his father.]

TRUMP JR.: Pop, Pop, I got here quick as I could! What's going on? You said it was serious.

TRUMP: How you doing, kid. Good to see you. Listen, you want a drink? Or how about some of my medicine? You know, [touches nose, snorts].

TRUMP JR.: C’mon, Pop, you know I don't do drugs.

TRUMP: It’s okay, Junior, this is medicine. The doctor gives it to me. It’s better than coke — got lots of vitamins, if you know what I mean. Come on, join your old man in some medicine.

TRUMP JR.: [Cheerfully, pulls up a nearby straight-back chair] Well, okay, Pop — so long as you’re having some, and it’s medicine, I guess it’s okay.

TRUMP: Attaboy! Get that red white and blue box in the corner there.

[TRUMP JR. goes to retrieve the box. MULVANEY leans in on TRUMP.]

MULVANEY: [Whispers] What the fuck are you doing, sir? We can’t get him involved in this —

TRUMP: [Whispers] Shut up, I know what I'm doing.

[TRUMP JR. returns with the box; TRUMP takes it and pours out medicine.]

Ah, thanks, kid. Okay, listen, long as you’re here, I’d like you to send you on a little trip for us, how’s that sound.

[TRUMP takes a razor out of the top drawer and chops up the medicine.]

TRUMP JR.: [Watching his father cut lines] Me, Pop? But usually you send Jared to do these things.

TRUMP: What things? Those are just business trips. He has to earn his keep. This is different. It’s personal. Something, and I mean this sincerely, something I couldn’t trust Jared with.

TRUMP JR.: I’m — I don’t know what to say, Pop.

TRUMP: Just say yes. Here’s two big fat lines just for you.

TRUMP JR.: Okay.

TRUMP: [Feels in his pocket] I’d share my straw with you, but the germ thing —

TRUMP JR.: It’s okay, Pop.

[TRUMP JR. takes a rolled-up five-hundred-dollar bill out of his jacket and does up the medicine. TRUMP shoots a look at MULVANEY. Pause.]

TRUMP: So listen, kid, this thing’ll take a couple days, that’s not a problem, is it?

[TRUMP goes in for his lines.]

TRUMP JR.: Not at all, Pop. Kim’s getting some more surgery, so she’s out of the picture for a few days. I have some business meetings, and they’re really big deals, Pop, I have to tell you about them sometime. But it’s nothing I can’t push back.

[TRUMP, finished, rubs his nose.]

TRUMP: Great, great. Oh look, there’s a couple spare — you get those, Junior.

[TRUMP JR. does so.]

Okay, now listen, here’s the deal. We got a car waiting for you out front, just ask the Marine. There’s a flight waiting at Dulles. It’s a little private jet, friend of mine from the old days, nice guy, great pilot, fabulous ride. He’s taking you to Kennedy and from there it’s VIP all the way —

[Done snorting, TRUMP JR. sits back in his chair, eyes wide, nodding.]

— you won’t even see the terminal, they drive you in a golf cart to an Emirates flight, and from there it’s wine, women and who knows all the way to Moscow.

TRUMP JR. Moscow!

TRUMP: That’s right, Junior. You're off to see the wizard. Again, everything taken care of, your feet never touch the ground, anything you want and when they take you to him, after the kisses and the vodka and like it always is with him, all you gotta do is say two words, “Taco Salad.” That's it.

TRUMP JR.: Maybe I should write that down.

TRUMP: No, Junior. No writing down. That’s why I’m sending you and not whatshisname. Because I can trust you. Now what’d I say you should tell him?

TRUMP JR.: Taco Salad.

TRUMP: Fantastic. That’s all you gotta do. Okay — oh, and no phone calls or email or any of that while you’re gone. In fact give Mick your phone. You can lock it up, he won’t look. We’ll have it ready when you come back.

[TRUMP JR. hands MULVANEY his phone.]

Fantastic. OK, kid, you better get a move on. Say hi to you know who and we’ll see you in a couple three or four days.

TRUMP JR.: [Getting up] Okay, Pop, you can count on me.

TRUMP: I know I can.

TRUMP JR.: See you when I get back?

TRUMP: Absolutely.

TRUMP JR.: Absolutely. Love you, Pop.

TRUMP: Fantastic, okay — yeah, you too.

[TRUMP JR., beaming, leaves. Pause.]

MULVANEY: He is coming back, right?

TRUMP: If he doesn’t, we’ll know I’m fucked.

[Pause.]

MULVANEY: Want me to clean up?

TRUMP: Leave it.

MULVANEY: [Almost to himself] Suit yourself.

[MULVANEY leaves as TRUMP pours out the medicine. CURTAIN.]