Dark days at the Winter White House

The walls close in on the President in Gulchville, KY

[The “Winter White House” in Gulchville, Kentucky. The place has been cleaned up since last time — in fact, fully repainted in white and given new, utilitarian furnishings (except for the extra-plush BarcaLounger in which TRUMP, looking a little paler and more subdued than usual, is seated). This makes it look even more like an extra-spacious version of an extended stay hotel than before. Sitting on a nearby sofa are son-in-law JARED KUSHER and former Mayor of 9/11 RUDY GIULIANI. On a separate sofa BENZEDRINE the child prostitute is lounging and looking at an issue of W magazine; the servant MAISIE BELLE can be heard in the distant kitchen, knocking pots and pans and singing old-time hymns.]

JARED: OK, so everybody got the word that Spencer was fired for his indecent proposal and it has nothing to do with any so-called “war crimes.”

TRUMP: You tell Mick?

JARED: Yes. He, he didn’t say anything. I mean he answered the phone but after I identified myself he didn’t say anything. I think he was still on the line when I said what we were doing, though. I could hear him pouring himself a drink.

GIULIANI. A drink sounds like a good idea. Where’s that maid?

TRUMP: Maisie Belle’s in the kitchen.

GIULIANI: You have any way to call her?

TRUMP: You’re gonna have to hoof it, Rudy. Kitchen’s that way [Jerks thumb].

GIULIANI: [Standing; to BENZEDRINE] You want anything, sweetheart?

[BENZEDRINE ignores him.]

TRUMP: Lay off, Rudy. That’s my piece of ass.

[GIULIANI shrugs, leaves. KUSHNER grabs a nearby straight-back chair, brings it close to TRUMP, sits.]

KUSHER: [Quietly] Sir, I don’t think, I mean what with the Epstein thing maybe you ought to —

TRUMP: Whattaya mean Epstein? Benzedrine is 37 years old. [Winks] Besides I’m not sleeping with her anyway. Am I, sweetheart?

BENZEDRINE: [Without taking her attention off her magazine] If it ain’t in it ain’t sin.

KUSHNER: I don’t know what that means but it sounds even worse than what I was thinking.

TRUMP: Look, anything I tell the voters they’ll believe. Like that Crowdstrike thing. Even I don’t know what the fuck it means. But millions of hayseeds are going “Oh, Pelosi did that Crowdstrike, lock her up.”

KUSHNER: The DNC.

TRUMP: What?

KUSHNER: You said the DNC gave it to the Ukraine.

TRUMP: Even better.

[GIULIANI re-enters with a tumbler of brown liquor.]

GIULIANI. Bottoms up, fellas. [Takes a massive swig]

TRUMP: Listen, Rudy, that guy who did My Lai, he still alive?

GIULIANI: William Calley? Think so.

[KUSHNER takes out his phone and starts looking this up.]

TRUMP: Whattaya say we make him Secretary of the Navy?

GIULIANI: Don’t think he was in the Navy.

TRUMP: Even better. Show ‘em who's boss.

GIULIANI: [Takes out phone] Want me to call him?

TRUMP: No, he should hear it from the President. Besides, phones don’t work out here.

GIULIANI: What?

KUSHNER: [Putting phone away] Oh shoot, I keep forgetting.

GIULIANI: Hey, what the hell are we doing out in these boondocks, anyway?

[KUSHNER stands up, walks well upstage.]

KUSHNER: It’s the Winter White House, Rudy. You know, nice climate, lots of committed Trump voters —

TRUMP: Yeah, ever since we gave the rubes all that meth!

KUSHNER: It makes a nice break from the coastal elites in Washington and New York.

[KUSHNER gestures “come here” to GIULIANI, who comes upstage. KUSHNER whispers to him. TRUMP is staring at BENZEDRINE.]

[In GIULIANI’s ear] This is a total communication blackout zone, we come up here when the news is bad and I don't mind telling you right now the news is reeeeeeally bad.

GIULIANI: [Whispers] News blackout, eh? No wonder he’s still treating me with respect.

TRUMP: [To BENZEDRINE] Listen, sweetheart, I’m bored. What do you say we do that thing we’re not telling anybody about?

BENZEDRINE: [Holds out hand without looking at him] First gimme the twenny.

TRUMP: Hey, I’m the President of the United States. You should be paying me! Never mind, I’ll call one of my other skanks. [Reaches for phone, drops hands] Crap, I forgot! [Stands up, yells] Secret service! Get the car, we’re going home!

[Silence.]

Hello? President! Secret service! Chop chop!

[Silence.]

KUSHNER: I think they left.

[KUSHNER runs out.]

GIULIANI: Left! What about the Marines?

KUSHNER: [From offstage] Gone! They're all gone! [He returns] They all left!

GIULIANI: How are we going the get out of here?

KUSHNER: [Goes to the window, yells] Taxi!

TRUMP: [Enraged] Fuckers! They’re all fired! I fired the Secretary of the Navy, I’ll fire them! I’ll fire everybody! Rudy, you’re fired!

GIULIANI: Great! No more attorney-client privilege!

TRUMP: You’re rehired!

[TRUMP goes to BENZEDRINE, pulls lots of cash out of his pockets.]

Sweetheart, get us a car of some sort. Plenty more where this came from.

BENZDRINE: Mah diddy gawt a tractor.

TRUMP: Diddy? Oh, I know him. Goes by Sean Combs now, though, right?

KUSHNER: [Rushes over] Thanks, Benzedrine. Hurry up and we’ll double the payment.

[BENZEDRINE runs out.]

TRUMP: How are we all going to fit on a goddamn tractor?

KUSHNER: We are not. You are going to wait here while I get help.

TRUMP: You get help? You’ll leave me here to die!

GIULIANI: I can go.

TRUMP and KUSHNER: You?

TRUMP: You’ll sell us to the Ukrainians!

[TRUMP pulls out a gun.]

You assholes are staying here! I’m getting on that tractor! You can hitchhike! Or you can drop dead for all I care! Don’t try anything funny.

[Gun drawn, TRUMP backs out of the room. Pause.]

KUSHNER: [Shouts] Maisie Belle!

[MAISIE BELLE comes trotting in.]

MAISIE BELLE: Afternoon, Mister Krishna. Sorry it took me so long, I was fixin’ y’all some vittles.

KUSHNER: Maisie Belle, you still have the launch codes?

MAISIE BELLE: Shore do! Under thet there sofa. [Points]

[KUSHNER goes to the sofa and pulls out from under it a suitcase.]

KUSHNER: OK. [To MAISIE BELLE.] You tell Clem down at the filling station we need a ride to the airport. Also the President’s running around loose, someone ought to keep an eye on him before one of the meth zombies gets ahold of him. You and Benzedrine can keep him occupied, can’t you?

MAISIE BELLE: I should say so! Ah kin work the shaft while the young’un sticks her finger —

KUSHNER: Don’t tell me! Go on now, skedaddle!

MAISIE BELLE: Skedaddle, haw, thass purty good, Mister Kirshner! We’ll make a redneck outta you yet!

[MAISIE BELLE goes.]

KUSHNER: Ugh, as if.

GIULIANI: What’s gonna happen when he sees the news?

KUSHNER: Mulvaney’s working on something. Like jamming the airwaves in the residence. He never leaves there anyway. No Fox News, no nothing.

GIULIANI: He’ll never go for that.

KUSHNER: Two words, Rudy: Gorilla channel.

[CURTAIN.]