Debate, club

Have some discourse, libtard

[Scene 1: The front of the suburban home of DR. WINSLOW McADAM, an internationally-known epidemiologist and virologist. A crowd has gathered and is holding up signs that read NO TO VAXX, YOUR STUPID, and DEBATE POOPMOUTH. They chant “Debate him, lib!” Eventually McADAM, wearing a paisley dressing gown, t-shirt, checkered pajama pants, and slippers, comes to the door carrying a briar pipe.]

McADAM: See here, what’s all this, citizens?

A YAHOO: We the people demand to know why you won’t debate Poopmouth!

McADAM: Poopmouth? You mean that comedian on TV?

ANOTHER YAHOO: [Angrily] He’s not a comedian, libtard babykiller! He’s like a genius and just asking questions, which make you even more of a faggot for not debating him like he told you to.

McADAM: But as I told Mr. Poopmouth, there’s nothing to debate. The science is clear —

STILL ANOTHER YAHOO: “Science,” hahahaha! If you were really a scientist instead of a murderer you would debate him because science is all about debate!

McADAM: [Lighting his pipe] Actually it’s the opposite of debate, really. Science, you see, is about experimentation and –

YET STILL ANOTHER YAHOO: Shut up with your stupid nerd so-called science talk! You gotta debate Poopmouth about vaccines and you gotta do it in language we can understand, not faggoty science talk! And if you don’t debate him that means you’re wrong and you and Fauci and all the vaccine killers should be in prison and when Trump gets back in we’re gonna kill you!  

McADAM: Why, that doesn’t make any sense —

[The crowd howls incoherently. McADAM shrugs and goes back in. His house is pelted with rocks and garbage.

Scene 2: In his study, McADAM is conducting a Zoom meeting with colleagues when the Zoom boxes are commandeered by YAHOOS, with ELON MUSK — or rather the limited-animation version of him seen in “The Bluest I” — in the center square.]

McADAM: Good heavens! What’s going on here?

MUSK: This is Elon Musk —

YAHOOS: Yaaaaaay!

MUSK: — and I’m here on behalf of most Americans — ah, why not? All Americans! — to demand that you debate Poopmouth.

McADAM: I don’t understand. Don’t you own Twitter? There are thousands, maybe millions of people discussing vaccines on Twitter every day. And many of the discussions spread the same misinformation that your friend Poopmouth is spreading. Why debate? Why even bother?

MUSK: Maybe if you were a real American you’d know that the First Amendment to the Constitution means if you refuse to debate the will of the people that’s censorship.

YAHOOS: That’s right! Tell him! I’ll kill you McAdam! Etc.

McADAM: [Sighs] Alright. If I appear with this Poopmouth, will you leave me alone?

MUSK: We can’t promise anything. But thank you for accepting the debate, you stupid libtard! Hurrah!

YAHOOS: Alright! Hurrah! I love you Elon! I’ll kill you McAdam! Etc.

[Scene 3: A TV studio. It doesn’t look like much – merely POOPMOUTH, wearing a track suit and a MAGA cap, standing at a podium and McADAM, wearing a suit, standing at another, though he appears have been put in a hole to make him look much shorter than POOPMOUTH, and some bleachers filled with YAHOOS. All this is in front of green screens; if we look at the control room monitors, we see the background as broadcast has the words VAXX KILLS with pictures of crying children. The camera cuts to moderator JESSE WATTERS.]

WATTERS: I gotta say, Poindexter, I mean “Doctor” McAdam, I didn’t understand a word of that stuff you just said.

A YAHOO: Me too!

WATTERS: Frankly I think you’re just making it up as you go along.

McADAM: But this the most elemental description of how vaccines work that I can think of. They teach it in middle schools.

YAHOO IN MOMS 4 LIBERTY SHIRT: I KNEW IT!

McADAM: Surely your audience has enough intelligence —

A YAHOO: What the fuck did you just call me!

YAHOOS: Shut up! Nerrrrrrrds! I’ll kill you McAdam! Etc.

WATTERS: OK, Poopmouth, once again you’re up —

YAHOOS: Yaaaaaaaay!

WATTERS: — and I understand you have yet another special guest, though I don’t see who or what can follow that powerful speech by RFK Junior!

POOPMOUTH: Wasn’t he great? What a great American!

YAHOOS: Yaaay!

POOPMOUTH: When RFK Junior said that seeing all this pro-vaccine propaganda was like his father being assassinated all over again, oh boy —

YAHOOS: Awwwwwww!

POOPMOUTH: [Jerking his thumb] I thought Mr. Wizard over here was gonna run crying to George Soros!

YAHOOS: Hahahahahaha!

A YAHOO: He did run crying! He did!  

ANOTHER YAHOO: I’ll kill you McAdam!

POOPMOUTH: But not all the folks who have suffered from the deadly lab leak Soros groomer vaccines are famous. Some of them are like poor, poor Debbie Sweetwater. She’s a proud Mom of six beautiful kids, and she used to love to play with them, but she can’t now, because ever since she took the vaccine she — well, you can see for yourself. Debbie?

[Sad music plays. Led by women dressed as nurses at either side of her, DEBBIE SWEETWATER, barefoot and wearing a simple homespun dress, stumbles to the podium, flapping her arms, rolling her head and her eyes, and going “ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.”]

DEBBIE: Maaah nem is Debfy Swee waddah a ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I use to look like all you. A ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. But they shooded me with the vax! Naa, I kend heb sex wih muh hub-ban a ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba….

[DEBBIE is led from the stage as the YAHOOS scream and cry.]

A YAHOO: Poor Debbie!

ANOTHER YAHOO: Vaccines kill!

HEY, ANOTHER YAHOO: Science kills!

AND HERE’S ANOTHER YAHOO: No, we’re science!

YAHOO, AGAIN: Yeah, he’s not science!

YAHOO, ONCE MORE: He’s a groomer!

BACK TO THE FIRST YAHOO: Yeah! Groomer! Groomer!

[The crowd chants “Groomer.” A big rock flies onto the stage and hits McADAM on the head, knocking him out. The crowd ululates. WATTERS comes onto the stage carrying what looks like a boxer’s championship belt and presents it to POOPMOUTH, who holds it aloft to wild cheers.]

POOPMOUTH: Now who’s science, bitch!

[Curtain.]