The bluest I
On the internet everyone knows you’re a dog
[A video meeting on Rumble.com; in the right-hand column we see four youngish participants: LARRY, a chunky guy in a Get Woke Go Broke shirt with a Jason Miller goatee in lieu of a chin; TYRANNICUS, a guy in a weird science fiction villain helmet that obscures his face and muffles his voice; CHRISTOPHER, in a nice suit with well-coiffed dyed-black hair and TV anchor makeup; and DYLAN, a rangy guy in a grey waffle shirt, hair uncombed and three days growth of beard. They all have plastic champagne flutes. The main screen is just an animated gif of Twitter-birds with ELON MUSK’s face dive-bombing that crying girl meme conservatives like and occasionally pooping on her face, and the legend BOER BROTHERS at the bottom in Playbill font.]
LARRY: We all on? Hello? How you doing, guys?
[Various affirmative noises.]
Thanks for showing up! If you don’t know, all the other Boer Bros are online now too, and we’re all celebrating because Elon finally broke the power of the elites on Twitter! Salut!
[Various affirmative noises. All drink except TYRANNICUS.]
Tyrannicus, you aren’t drinking.
TYRANNICUS: [Muffled by mask, though we may detect a slight lateral lisp] It is when victory seems certain that one must be most on guard, brothers, so as not to let falter the wit.
CHRISTOPHER: [Radio voice] I hear you, T, I hear you. I’m only having a little taste myself because I’ve got a week’s worth of podcasts to record today.
DYLAN: [With real contempt, also drunk] You guys are such fucking pussies. Pussies! I’ve been drinking since yesterday. Yesterday morning!
LARRY: You’re a wild man, Dylan.
DYLAN: Goddamn right. I been on Twitter owning the libs, just [pantomiming violently, in a strangled voice] punchin’ down, punchin’ down, punchin’ down, punchin’ down…
LARRY: Can’t make that out, Dylan, what did you say — jerkin’ off?
[LARRY, TYRANNICUS, and CHRISTOPHER laugh; there is a flash on DYLAN’s end and his camera seems to spin into darkness.]
Dylan? Hello? Well, guess he’ll get back to us. But I gotta say since we started up the Boer Brothers last year, there’s been a lotta big wins, but I think this one’s the sweetest because the elites are so totally owned they’re shitting themselves, they don’t know what to do.
CHRISTOPHER: Have to agree there, my friend. I’ve been manning the barricades myself since it all went down, and every time one of these so-called elites comes on to cry about their checkmark, I tell them, “all your checkmarks are belong to us.” [Pause] You remember that meme?
LARRY: Sure.
TYRANNICUS: Aye, that I do.
CHRISTOPHER: And! Every time I say it, a dozen, two dozen, sometimes hundreds of brand new Elon checkmarks get into that thread and they just pummel those elites with emojis — row after row after row of emojis, nothing but emojis, and animated gifs.
[DYLAN has gone back on camera — he has a band-aid on his forehead and a black eye, to which he at intervals applies what looks like grey hamburger.]
LARRY: Check it out, you guys see Poopmouth’s feed?
DYLAN: Ha, fuckin’ Poopmouth.
LARRY: You see what his handle is now? “Attorney General of the United States.” That’s so fucked up. And better still, Merrick Garland doesn’t have the check, so every time his weak-ass no-check account says some official shit, Poopmouth drops in and goes “eat my ass” or something harsh like that and the comments fill up — all the way at the top, because that’s how the checkmarks work, right — just emjois and people telling him to eat their ass and their mother’s ass and Trump’s ass. Merrick Garland is totally owned!
CHRISTOPHER: Awesome.
LARRY: Dylan, you alright?
DYLAN: Don’t worry about me.
LARRY: Is that hamburger you’re putting on your eye? Dog, you’re supposed to use steak for that.
DYLAN: It’s impossible burger actually.
LARRY: What? Impossible burger?
DYLAN: [Defensive] Well, my stupid bitch sister brought it over and it’s not like I’m gonna eat that shit so I’m putting it on my eye.
LARRY: You better watch out, the WEF is gonna have you eating bugs, bro.
DYLAN: [Viciously] I said I wasn’t eating it, fuckface!
TYRANNICUS: What is most noxious, to me, is the elites who say they don’t want the checkmark.
LARRY: Oh, definitely.
TYRANNICUS: They refuse, nay abjure the checkmark.
CHRISTOPHER: Just unbelievable. They were so proud of their checkmarks and now, just because we have them. they say they don’t want them.
TYRANNICUS: Methinks the libtards doth protest too much.
LARRY: They’re such — such elitists. [Sissy voice] Ooooh, look at me, I’m the head of CERN, whatever that is. I’m a nuclear scientist! Well, Mr. Scientist, guess what, I’m Attila the Douchebag 34987 and I’m coming to the top of your feed to say, all you need to know about nukes is drop ‘em on Ukraine!
TYRANNICUS: And San Francisco!
LARRY: They’re just jealous. That’s why they act like they don’t care.
CHRISTOPHER: They liked checkmarks when they had them for free, but now they won’t even pay eight dollars for them. What could be more elitist than refusing to pay for something someone’s giving you?
DYLAN: But we’re making those fuckers take the checkmark.
CHRISTOPHER: Absolutely, we are. Elon’s making then take the checkmark.
DYLAN: They have to take the fucking checkmark. They better.
TYRANNICUS: It is as Lao Tzu said in The Art of War. If your opponent refuses the checkmark you must force the checkmark on them.
LARRY: [Excitedly] Wait guys, guys, listen, listen, got a surprise, listen, I hooked us up, us and all the Boer Bros out there — in just like 13 seconds we’re all getting a special guest on here — watch the screen! You are gonna shit — watch. Watch!
[The main screen flickers and the visage of ELON MUSK appears. The boys cheer and roar, and do not seem to notice that this is only a picture of MUSK.]
VOICE: Hello, Boer Boys!
[It is close to MUSK’s voice, but over time we notice — though the boys don’t — that it’s just a good impersonation. Also, when “MUSK” speaks, the lips on the photograph moves, much like in the old limited-animation children’s show “Clutch Cargo.”]
LARRY: ELON!
TYRANNICUS: MY LIEGE!
DYLAN: AAAAAAAGGGGHH
CHRISTOPHER: CHRISTOPHER MORRIS, NUMBER ONE BOER BROTHERS PODCAST ELON CHECK MY PROFILE!
VOICE: I’m glad to see all my friends all over the world celebrating the end to the tyranny of so-called experts and public officials who colonized blue checks for so many years. Now anyone can have a blue check if they’ll pay eight dollars — which somebody said is less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks, which just amazes me, because I thought for sure they were fifty dollars by now.
DYLAN: THEY ARE FIFTY DOLLARS ELON, JUST LIKE YOU SAID!
LARRY: SHH!
VOICE: I have come here today to warn you that the elitists will try to confuse and demoralize you. They’ll tell you the blue check is worthless. They’ll even act like they don’t want it anymore.
DYLAN: BOOOO!
TYRANNICUS: I WILL KILL THY ENEMIES!
LARRY: SHH!
VOICE: Don’t believe them! It’s all a trick to make you walk away from the blue check so they can turn around and snatch it back. But we’re going to fool them. We’re going to make the blue check better than it was. Starting next month ultra blue check users can have fonts of different colors, and special ultra blue check emojis other users can’t have, including obscene gestures, symbols that make your account look like a government agency, golliwogs, and a special Happy Elon emoji.
CHRISTOPHER: Excellent.
VOICE: And all this ultra blue service will be yours for just twenty-seven dollars a month.
[Pause.]
Of course you’re welcome to stay with the eight dollar check mark, if that’s all you can afford —
DYLAN: [Waving dollar bills] I CAN PAY! I CAN PAY!
VOICE: — but me and the rest of Boer Brothers will no longer be able to see or interact with you, and that would be sad. Go to “Verified” for more details. Now, to celebrate this awesome new service and the end of the elites — let’s dance!
[The perspective on the frame pulls back and suddenly the “ELON” head is on a loose-limbed cartoon body —very much like what you see in JibJab videos – and dances to “We like to Party” by the Vengaboys. The boys gape at this until LARRY yells:]
LARRY: It’s like the dancing Tesla robot! It’s a bit! It’s good!
[And with that all the boys cheer and dance in place.]
So Musk took away blue checkmarks from people who didn’t pay, then two days later gifted checkmarks BACK to people, living OR dead, who have at least a million followers…but who never paid or asked for them back. Because the alleged purpose of selling the blue checks in the first place was to make Twitter more…egalitarian.
And when you click on Anthony Bourdain’s or Pele’s checkmark, Twitter tells you those late individuals have paid and given a phone number.
If Twitter was a Space X rocket, it would have exploded by now.
I might willing to pay for the tag that says I represent a government agency. You figure it could be any government you want? Zembla? Freedonia?