Emergency measures

The President loses something

Public domain.

[The Oval Office. TRUMP is at the Resolute Desk, just staring into space. Chief of Staff MICK MULVANEY enters.]

MULVANEY: You wanted to see me, sir?

TRUMP: Listen, the Alzheimer’s is bad today. You gotta remind me who you are.

MULVANEY: [laughing mildly] Surely you’re joking, sir, I’m your chief of staff Mick Mulvaney.

TRUMP: Right. Yeah, I made you leave the place, the one Pocahontas used to run, and come help me out.

MULVANEY: Those were great days, sir.

TRUMP: We call her Pocahontas, right? The old lady.

MULVANEY: Senator Warren. That’s what we call her.

TRUMP: Yeah. Why's that again?

MULVANEY: [After a beat] She told people she was part Indian. Part American Indian. And it wasn’t really true, so we call her Pocahontas.

TRUMP: Really? Sounds stupid when you say it that way.

MULVANEY: Well, there’s also some question that she got preferential treatment at work for claiming Indian heritage.

TRUMP: Preferential? Like how?

MULVANEY: Affirmative action.

TRUMP: Affirmative action for Indians? But they’re all on reservations, drinking firewater. It doesn’t make any sense. Now if she pretended to be black, that’d be funny. You know, put on shoe polish.

[Pause.]

But that doesn’t make sense either. Cops are always shooting the boons. They live in shitholes. If they can get into college, more power to ‘em, right?

MULVANEY: Will you excuse me, sir? Back in a minute.

TRUMP: Take your time. I’m gonna read up on this.

[TRUMP takes out his phone. MULVANEY exits.]

[CUT TO an old-fashioned split-screen two-shot in which MULVANEY is talking on the phone, in urgent whispers, to White House analyst/Nazi STEPHEN MILLER.]

MILLER: Forgot how to be racist? But that’s impossible! Are you sure?

MULVANEY: [Looking over his shoulder] Well, the instincts are still there — he still uses the usual slurs, and his idea of any non-white person is pretty much a cartoon. But he doesn’t have a handle on the tropes. Like, he knows they’re supposed to be inferior, but that just makes him feel sorry for them —

MILLER: [Alarmed] Sorry?

MULVANEY: Not sorry exactly — it’s hard to explain — it’s like he’s lost that viciousness. Like he knows they're suffering but doesn’t remember that he’s supposed to exploit it. We need to bring someone in to fix it.

MILLER: I — I can’t. I can’t do it! I’m not up to it. He’s my racist sensei!

MULVANEY: No, I didn’t mean you. He doesn’t absorb things well on an intellectual level anyway. Let’s think — who do we know who can get through to him?

[CUT TO: The Oval Office. TRUMP at the Resolute Desk doing lines of his “Alzheimer’s medicine.” ANN COULTER suddenly enters.]

COULTER: Surprise, Mr. President!

TRUMP: [Instinctively protecting his stash] What the hell are you doing here?

COULTER: Aww, can’t an old friend drop by and visit her President?

TRUMP: Bullshit! You’re no friend! You said some nasty things about me — I remember — well, I think I remember — just a second.

[TRUMP does another line.]

Now I remember! You said I wasn’t building the wall fast enough!

COULTER: No, I said you were getting talked out of it by a bunch of pussies.

TRUMP: No one tells me what to do!

COULTER: Really? So how come there’s no wall?

TRUMP: We’re building it! It’s terrific!

COULTER: Oh yeah? So is it invisible, like the F-35? Know what I think? [gestures toward stash] I think they cut that powder you’ve been snorting with soy! You’re turning into a soy boy!

TRUMP: [Roars] What the fuck! Mick!

COULTER: [Shrugs] Ah, you know what, forget it. What do we need a wall for anyway? It’s not like there’s a problem with Mexicans and Guatemalans and Salvadoreans and Colombians. I mean what have we got against them anyway?

TRUMP: What have you got against them? Are you kidding? I’ll tell you what. They’re savages. You’re exactly the kind of girl they go for. Blond, tall. Know what they do to girls like you? They tie you up. Put duct tape around your face, around your mouth, so you can’t even breathe. They drive around with these girls, all over the place, then over the border, and then, they get the fate worse than death.

COULTER: [Softly] Really, Mr. President? Mexicans do that?

TRUMP: Oh, you better believe it! That and worse!

COULTER: What else do they do?

TRUMP: [In full swing] They come over here in their sombreros and their huaraches and they steal jobs, that’s what they do! They go up to Pennsylvania, Michigan, and they find jobs that Americans are doing, and they go to boss, they say, “Por favor, por favor meester, I do for half price!” And what’s the owner of that coal mine gonna do, turn it down? Money in his pocket! And the decent hard-working Americans, they lose their jobs, they go out and they say the hell with it, and they get hooked on opioids, while the Mexicans drive around and throw their taco wrappers out the window and dirty everything up, it’s disgusting.

COULTER: And you’re not gonna let that happen.

TRUMP: Damn right I’m not.

COULTER: I know you’re not, sir! OK, listen, I gotta get going, thank you, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Hey, hey Ann — [He gestures toward the stash] You want some?

COULTER: Oh, hey, brings back memories, sir, but I better pass.

TRUMP: No, this is better than the usual. Bornstein put all kinds of stuff in here, it’s unbelievable.

COULTER: I’m sure. Well, I’m off.

[COULTER starts to leave.]

TRUMP: Ann.

[COULTER turns.]

Good to see you again. It — really, good.

COULTER: [Placing her hand on her clavicle] Thank you, sir.

[COULTER leaves. Pause.]

TRUMP: What’s wrong with me lately? I shoulda told her to suck my cock.

[He does more medicine as the CURTAIN falls.]