Fair to middlin’

The Kitchen Table Institute cooks up some fresh centrism

[The same bleak hotel conference room — conference table, rolling chairs, overhead lights, Starbucks cups and Dasani bottles, MacBooksPro — and the same youngish consultants from the Kitchen Table Institute as in “Less is MOR” and “Center Squares”— fancy-fashy HAGGIS, business-cute MARCY, Obamanation PARIS, almost-edgy POPPY — led by bearded MART BASIN of those sketches and “Middle March.” There are posters on the wall of Josh Shapiro, James Carville, and Joe Lieberman, and a TV monitor on the wall, currently dark. All the consultants wear lapel buttons bearing the image of a difference being split.]

MART: Alright alright! First agenda item is polls that show America turning antisemitic — by which I mean, they think Israel’s the bad guy in Gaza.

MARCY: Are you talking about the Pew poll? Because we’re not underwater in that one — I mean Israel’s not underwater.

MART: The trendline is bad, Marcy! Eight points in two years. Who knows where it’ll be next month? What if the Palestinians make us kill — I mean, make Israel kill more of their children?

HAGGIS: Well, that’s the thing, Mart — a lot of Americans don’t see it as Palestinians killing their own children using the IDF. They see it as Israel killing Palestinian children, period.

MART: I don’t know how they got it so twisted! Don’t they teach the Golda Meir quote in schools anymore? Didn’t we shut down all the college Free Palestine encampments? And all the big media companies are on the right side, God knows.

POPPY: I know I’m a broken record, but I gotta say, guys, we’re a little behind the curve on underdog status.

HAGGIS: Poppy’s right. We assumed when Trump won that meant people would side with the strong against the weak every time.

PARIS: [Shrugs] It was a fair assumption. I mean, that’s how I roll.

MARCY: The Minneapolis thing should have been a tipoff.

MART: I still don’t get it. I thought Third Way had it exactly right: “Abolish ICE Abuses — Not ICE.”

PARIS: Classic centrism!

POPPY: But the center keeps moving, Mart, you said so yourself.

MART: Yes, but only to the right! Now I don’t know what to think. I mean we have Democrats calling for Supreme Court reform. Has the world gone mad?

MARCY: Well, what are we going to do?

PARIS: I think we should associate the anti-Israel lefties with the antisemitic right.

MARCY: [Shaking her head] The ADL’s been on it for months. Nothing doing. The New York Post calls Zohran Mamdani antisemitic every week. It just seems to make him more popular.

HAGGIS: Yeah, and younger Jews don’t give a damn.

MART: Well, I guess there’s only one thing to do — call AIPAC and tell them to double their donations. Alright alright, happier news! I got a real surprise for you people! You know how we’re walking the line on Iran?

PARIS: Absolutely! Right enemy, wrong leadership!

HAGGIS: Classic Third Way!

MARCY: The full Fetterman!

PARIS: Yeah! Take that, stupid hippie peaceniks!

MART: Even Poppy’s on board with this one, right, Poppy?

POPPY: [Shrugs] It’s not like there’s a moral issue here.

HAGGIS: When is there ever?

[Laughter.]

MART: Now, I know you guys love it when we get a Republican to work with us on one of these things.

[General “OOOOOooooh!”]

Well, we’ve hooked a big one for the Iran War campaign!

PARIS: Is it Mary Trump?

HAGGIS: Nikki Haley?

MARCY: Meghan McCain?

MART: Better! Now this one’s strictly sub rosa — you can’t say anything to anyone about this and this is exactly the kind of thing that we made you all sign NDAs for, by the way. But even without going public I think this alliance is going to really move the ball. The Republican we’ll be working with has already distanced himself from Trump on Iran, but in a way that — how can I put it — a way that has drawn so little pushback from Trump that, if I didn’t know any better, I might suspect our man and Trump were actually working in concert. But that would suggest that Trump isn’t serious about Iran, and we all know that’s not the case!

[Murmurs of assent.]

So we have to assume it’s because this very prominent Republican has gotten so much support — within his party and among independents — that Trump just doesn’t want to tangle with him. I’m honored that he supports our work and believes we can combine our efforts to our mutual advantage. And, who knows, maybe the Kitchen Table Institute will wind up supporting this great American for higher office. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you —

[Screen blinks on.]

— Vice-President of the United States JD Vance!

[Consultants applaud deliriously.]

VANCE: What’s up, you baby-killing cat ladies! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!